Anxiety in the relationship

[Joh-duh-R-chá]

Hey everyone! im new and i kinda want to make a small introduction, my name is Agustina, but everyone calls me Hayley (long story), im 20 years old, and im from Argentina (bahia blanca, buenos aires) I have anxiety and im currently medicated with natural drops. Going good with that luckly.

Aaaaand as much as its been a shitty week with family shit going on, not relatable to what happened today;

Im in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years, and as we allways had our personal friends and friends in common we allways been really confortable and minimal jelous going on (allways mine) but anyways, i been feeling unconfortable this past year because he started to be friends with 2 girls that live near him and know each other for a long time, they just got closer, that made me a little jelous only because im the insecure one, like, i have the irrational fear of him relazing that any of them are better for him and not me because we are actually pretty different (me being goth and him.. not) and other things, but, thats just in my head you know, it happens.

But still knowing that we trust each other and we deeply love each other no matter what and that out differences make out relationship better and intresting all the time, i was still feeling unconfortable. I feelt so hypocrit because most of my friends are males, like, i have 3 close girl friends and 5 best male friend (+ not so close friends also males) i get along better with males, i dont know why.

The thing is he made a new female friend this year that makes me really unconfortable, i know her before him, and she was best friends with a girl that tried to ruin our relationship, she was bothering ous so much we were stressed all the time, and yeah, shit drama..

When i saw that he was friends with this girl (lets call her X) i got soooooo angry we had a little short figth, i was like "okey, im not going to hate you, but im still going to be unconfortable with her" and he was okey with that i guess, like, he cant change my mind.

I recently find out that hating X sooo much that i was so in rage when he named her, like a tons of anxiety filled me up.. that was insane and it was getting irrational.. i though about it a lot and i came to realize i was so unconfortable with his female friends because i feel that its unfair. Unfair that he is close friend with most of my male friends, and some female friends, but i know nothing about his friends of him.

Today i got really upset because we were talking about his birthday and i asked who is comming (its in december 25, a jesus alive) and when he named X i internlly exploded. And i told him something like okey im not going have fun with your frienddd (talking about her) and he laughed, because he finds funny that im insecure about it, he allways reminds me that he loves me and he would never cheat me and everything, but thats not the case, im still unconfortable arround them!

I spent most of the day with anxiety and i actually locked myself in the bathroom telling him that i was feeling bad that i had so much anxiety but i didnt told him why. Theres when i realize about the reason of my anger and shit.

So when i came home i fb menssage him about all of this, in a shorter way, and i told him that as i want to stop feeling that way i wanted to meed his female friends, i want him to introduce them propperly and so i would feel better, that i dont want to feel so bad all the time and i want to go to his birthday without locking myself in the bathroom to cry and heavy breathe..

After being gentle with that mensage, telling him that i dont want ous to figth about that shit again his answer was:

"If you want an answer now, im not going to tell them to start getting together and meet you and talk to you, if you wanna know them better, just talk to them"

And i was like SHIT and told him something like, i cant, that is difficult for me, and that i needed him to be more sensitive about the situation and that it doesnt have to be that serious, i just wanted to meet them to star feeling more confortable arround them.

I feel like SHIT, LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT i wish i havent told him anything and just work my way to getting closer to them slowly and maybe talk about it in person with him but IT MAKES ME SO NERVOUS i was so scared of starting to cry and ending up all in a big figth that i dont need rigth now, AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO I DONT WANT TO BE MAD AT HIM, I DONT WANT HIM SO INSENSITIVE ABOUT IT, AND I DONT WANNA FIGTH NEAR THE HOLYDAYS AND I DONT WANNA FEEL SUICIDE AGAIN.

Any advice?

Ps: sorry for my english.

[TooOld4This]

Joh-duh-ar-cha, your English is very good.

¡Superior al español mío!