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19 year old and need some help


kbutlerr
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Hey guys, I was hoping someone could help me out. I’ve been struggling a lot recently.

Want to start by saying I’ve never really been to a professional therapist (tried free counselling a few times, but always felt uncomfortable)

I’m a 19 year old male from the UK. I know my aunt and my grandmother both have/had mental issues in the past, and believe my aunt was diagnosed - though I’m not sure of her diagnosis. I didnt want to make a super long post, so going to breakdown my issues a bit and stuff.

- I think I have had fairly bad social anxiety for the past 2/3 years. I’m not great with people my own age. Not good with things like parties or any social gathering really. I also find it difficult bonding and connecting with people. Even when I didn't have really bad anxiety, I struggled to make friends. Whilst I have had some close friends in the past, I always end up drifting away from them. It’s a cycle that seems to constantly repeat.

Though even the friends I have become ‘close’ with, I’ve never really had a normal friendship with any of them. I never really share details about my own life, and none of them would have had any idea about any of this. There was one girl who I was open with, but I fell in with new people and we grew apart. Never had a romantic relationship/encounter with anyone either. I often find myself really wanting this but nothing has ever come of that.

- Sexual identity - In my early teen years, I was sure I was straight and had a crush on a girl for most of these years. (Same girl I mentioned above), but we stayed as friends, never told her how I felt.

Few years later, I felt that I was gay. Was primarily interested in gay porn, and still am to a degree. Said girl did help me deal with that in fact, and she suggested I was gay or possibly bi. I grew comfortable with this fact, and came out to a few people I knew, though not my family. Now, I’m not sure. I still feel like I’m sexually turned on mostly by males, but feel like I want an emotional relationship with a girl. So I’m pretty confused. I know sexuality is fluid, etc but I’m not sure where I stand.

- Sexual interests - In the last two years, I’ve found my interests in unusual sexual fetishes growing much stronger. Normal porn has little effect for me now, and amateur, voyeuristic or rape fantasies are what I watch. I’ve found myself viewing some quite disturbing content, and have become quite addicted to it. I’ve tried things like NoFap previously but failed. My fantasises are also becoming increasingly violent and most would probably consider them strange and unusual.

- Prone to Anger/Bouts of violence - I’ll frequently become angry/agitated at something very quickly, especially with my family (who I have no reason to be angry with) and sometimes even lash out violently. I’m usually immediately sorry afterwords, but does seem to be happening as the norm now, and am generally more withdrawn and sullen than I was previously. Mood swings would also be quite common at the minute.

I also have a fascination with true crime cases of the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy.

That’s pretty much it, I’m sorry for the really long post. I just want to know what’s wrong with me, as it’s tearing me apart. I find it harder and harder to pretend everything is okay. I’ve tried to arrange to see a therapist before, but not sure how to go about doing that since I have no income. Also not sure how I’d feel talking in person about this stuff, hence this post.

TLDR: Sorry for long post, suffering from social anxiety, depression, confused about sexual identity and sexual interests are becoming more unusual. Also prone to violent/aggressive behaviour and mood swings on occasion.

Sorry if this post is difficult to understand or written weirdly, I find it really hard to write about this stuff.

Am hoping someone could shed some light on what I could be dealing with? I know I would need to provide much more detail and visit a professional for a diagnosis, but at this point anything would be a help.

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Welcome, kbutlerr. We care about you here.

And we won't relay what you've told us in confidence.

Your interest in violent porn isn't harmful, i don't think, unless you find yourself starting to go for snuff videos.

That would be kind of analogous to child pornography.

But if you're not watching that, then your porn tastes are nothing to be ashamed of.

Obviously you will want to keep asking yourself if you are thinking of performing any sexual violence yourself.

That, like snuff videos, would be a step you don't want to take, since it would cross a line into hurting other people.

So keep an eye on those kinds of thoughts.

Other than that, you're fundamentally a normal young man who's just trying to figure his sexuality out.

No shame in that.

Hope it works out well for you. Keep us posted on your progress, if you feel comfortable.

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