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I Have Never Been Closer To Suicide


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I've depressed for a while and I've felt like killing myself might work for a while but tonight it is just hitting so hard. I could just do it. I could just end it all. I'm just so sick of living as me and constantly messing up and having no one like me and having like two friends who probably don't even care about me. I always thought my best friend did but now I don't even know anymore. I feel ugly and stupid and useless and no one helps me feel better and I'm just so sick of living

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I've been close to suicide once or twice. But I can't really say that suicide was very close to me ... What I mean by that is ... the goal I had in mind wasn't really being dead; what I hoped for was a reduction (elimination) of the pain I was in. And in the end, what I decided was that killing myself over the pain would instead make it permanent, would make it the defining experience of my life, would make it the part of me that people would remember.

That didn't make the pain any less, of course. What it did for me was change how I looked at the pain, and how I looked at the ways I was trying to deal with the pain.

I think one difficulty I was having, and maybe you are too ("I'm just so sick of living as me ..."), was that I was identifying myself with the pain, convincing myself that if _I_ continued, then so would the pain. But pain is transitory; it comes and goes. Where we get into trouble in depression is that it makes us forget the times when there wasn't pain. We have to remind ourselves. We have to reach out to others who don't feel the same way.

One reason for talking to other people is that it gives us a chance to check whether what we're thinking is accurate. Depression lies. It tells you bad things about yourself, makes you doubt your friends, assumes that everything is an absolute ("constantly messing up", "having no one like me", "no one helps me feel better".)

Well, I'm not no one, and I'm sorry that you're in pain. I hope that we here can help you feel better. I believe that life will get better. Otherwise, I would have made a different choice, myself.

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