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Bad thoughts and feelings


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Bad thoughts and feelings
I started to have pedophilic thoughts when I was around 16 but never acted on it. In my 20's it started to distress me a lot. I started to do self-injury towards my genitals which was not very smart
so I ended up in a mental hospital for 6 weeks. After that I insisted that my psychiatrist did give me some medicine to reduce my thoughts. I lived in Norway then and I was given androcur that chemically castrated me.
I moved to the US and then I had to stop the medication. I started self injury again and then I was given lupron to again get chemical castrated. I did not want to keep on taking these shots every month so I did go to a special psychiatrist that I spend 3 full days with and he recomended surgical castration. So in 2006 I got my surgical castration. It took some time and the sexual feeling and bad thoughts was mainly gone.
I do get it now and then for a short period of time like once or twice a year but it is not really very strong and easy to go through. I am much happier like this. I know this is not the solution for most but for me it have worked out very good. I am so much calmer and 99% of the time I do not have pedophilic thoughts anymore. I also had several other paraphilia but it is the same for
them, I dont think about it anymore. And I used to be so distressed about this. So now I am asexual and consider myself non-gender. I am married and she supported me fully to go ahead with the castration even it would be that we would not have sex anymore. Both my psychiatrist and therapist know the whole story and have supported me fully. My libido have gotten so much smaller and I am happy for that too. I am trying to talk to my psychiatrist about penectomy but I don't think that will happen. I do have many other mental health issues like ptsd, ocd, depression and anxiety and I am working hard on those issues also but that will be a long way to travel.

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Interesting. Why do you want a penectomy by the way? Do you identify more with the female sex now? I'm sure you know that there are surgeons that will perform it without a psychiatric referral so try joining asexual/eunuch forums and they might be able to point you in the right direction. Would your wife be okay with that though?

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The more exposed to it I've been, the more I've accepted that some people are just driven towards it. I think it's a combination of an inverted death drive that's sexualised bodily harm (masochism?) & emasculation which interacts with an underlying gender dysphoria due to a feminised brain/body or simply an idealisation. Once the testosterone is reduced through (chemical or surgical) castration the individual is further feminised and typically wants a penectomy or a complete sex change depending on the dominance of gender dysphoria or their humiliation/emasculation fetish. Not justifying it just verbalising my thoughts on it. Gruesome I know.

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