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I've been seeing my therapist for a few weeks. Mostly because I hate my life. I have had virtually no contact with women in my 57 years and I'm so sexually frustrated and I have no way of stopping it. I have penis size issues (which we haven't talked about yet) and erectile dysfunction issues which we also have not talked about yet.

I don't really see the point of the therapy myself. I don't think it's going to change anything. I thought it might make me feel better to talk to someone about this stuff which has filled my head most of my life but it doesn't seem to be having that effect. I do feel somewhat "satisfied" after talking to her but I still hate my life and getting through each day is a real struggle.

The fact that she is young and very attractive doesn't help much. I hate being around women for this reason. It just sends my sexual frustration level into overdrive and the more attractive I find them the worse it is.

I don't think she likes me very much either. She probably thinks I'm a pathetic excuse of a man. Who the hell goes through 57 years of life without getting laid once?

She can't help me. No one can. The only way I can stop the pain is to end my life and I might be close to that. I tried it once before but chickened out. Hopefully the next time I will have more courage.

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Hello, lifelong. My name is Beth.

I'm sorry you are struggling and feel so down. :( There are people out there who care. Your life matters. You matter. I am here and listening.

Therapy is very hard work and it may take some time to show progress. There are also many modalities and it can also take some time to find what approach works best for you. I think the relationship between client and therapist is also very important so it is beneficial to find a counselor who you feel you can work with. Possibly too therapy may not be helpful to some. I think it's good that you are trying to find a way to help yourself.

It's very common to feel attracted to, and even develop feelings for one's therapist. You are not alone in this. The relationship itself and your behavior and feelings within can offer much information about you and how you relate with others. It's often a microcosm of our outside of the room relationships. Have you discussed with your therapist your fears of being judged by her? More importantly, that you have some suicidal feelings? :(

You express that you think ending your life is the only way to stop your pain. I hear you, Lifelong. Depression can make it very difficult to see any light or find hope. :(:( Do you have friends and family who you can reach out to for support? Does any activity feel comforting and help you connect with yourself? You can write to me anytime if it might help to have a friendly ear. I will always listen.

Wishing you peace and healing.

 

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Hi Beth

 

Thanks for the concern. I do feel somewhat comfortable talking to her. During the week I have all these feelings about what to say and how she feels about me but when I'm with her talking to her it feels different. Like I said I do leave her office feeing somewhat satisfied. I can't say I enjoy it because I'm talking about the things that make my life hell. I'm not sure she or anybody who I might tell this stuff to truly understands how I feel. It must be hard to have empathy for someone who is in a situation that you or very few people ever find themselves in. I have such strong feelings of regret that I have missed so much of my life.

I never got to date girls when I was 18 onwards in fact until I was in my early 40's I barely got to even talk to women. They were never around me. I didn't socialize very much and I am quite a shy person. I never had a sex life never got married never had kids never had a home. I never got to enjoy all the things that make life worthwhile. Sure I did other things. I moved to America, joined the Navy got to travel to a few places, had friends, did things I never thought I would get to do but the fundamental things like love, sex, companionship, family all these things are missing.

I'm not sure how much my penis size issues held me back from meeting women. I don't recall consciously thinking "I'm not going to talk to her because eventually she will find out I have a small penis" but my size does effect how I feel about myself. It makes me feel like my value to women (at least SOME women) is less because of it. I'm not sure it would stop me from pursuing a relationship though.

I have a meeting with my therapist in a few hours. I'm hoping that I can finally bring up the penis size issues with her but it's going to be very difficult. I have talked about it briefly with my psychiatrist but I'm not sure if my therapist got any notes from her about this issue we've sort of danced around it up till now.

I do find it kind of ironic that most of my problems stem from my lack of sex and interaction with women and the two people with whom I have discussed this with are two very attractive ladies. I'm even more attracted to my psychiatrist than I am to my therapist. But I prefer talking to women. I find women more compassionate usually and talking about my penis with another guy just sounds all wrong to me.

I have mentioned feeling suicidal and she is concerned about it but I'm not sure if it's concern for me or if she's concerned how losing a patient to suicide would look on her.

I've been thinking about suicide for almost 30 years. It comes and goes. I have bad periods and not so bad periods. It's mostly the frustration. Going without sex or any physical interaction with women for so long is kind of like being hungry all your life. Being fed a constant stream of temptation just makes it so painful. There are beautiful attractive women everywhere. I mostly shut myself away because the women I see cause so much frustration but then I turn on the TV and get it on there too.

It wouldn't be so bad if I was one of those people that has a very low sex drive but unfortunately I'm not. In fact I think I have quite a high sex drive. I masturbated almost 15 times this last weekend. It doesn't seem to ease my frustrations though. Every time I touch my penis it just reminds me of how small I am and that makes me feel bad.

I just don't understand why so many guys find it so easy to meet women and have sex with them and for me it's like find the Holy Grail.

I don't really have friends anymore. I do have 3 siblings but I doubt I could talk to them about this stuff. It's way too personal.

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1 hour ago, Klingsor said:

You were in the Navy and never got laid? Why? I thought hooking up is like the main thing sailors look forward to while on liberty?

Weren't you made fun of? Called gay? I've never been in the military, just curious. Excuse my ignorance. 

I never spent much time actually on a ship. I did go ashore once in Italy and a few guys were going to pay prostitutes but I'm not sure they ever did. No I didn't get called gay or anything. Actually very few guys got laid from what I could tell. Most that did it was usually with girlfriends from back home. Most local girls tend to avoid military guys. I guess if you were good looking and more extroverted then you could but that isn't me. The only two women I even talked to during those 10 years were the two I got to work with and they were both married.

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I just got done with our latest session and it was pretty much a waste of time.

I'm going through a program at a Veterans Affairs Medical Center. It's an inpatient domiciliary for veterans who are having problems and need help. It's mostly alcohol and drug abusers but it's also for homeless and unemployed vets which I am. I'm getting the therapy while I'm looking for work and somewhere to live. My therapist is also my case manager and she also does classes and groups that I have to attend as part of the overall program.

Well she says that I don't participate enough in the groups, that I won't share my problems and feelings with other members of the groups who do share and she feels this is unfair to them. So I'm like "you want me to tell a room full of people I barely know that I'm 57 years old and still a virgin and that I have a small penis?" I'm sorry but that is not going to happen. I can barely talk to her about it never mind a room full of strangers.

So we never did to talk about my penis size concerns. She did give me the chance but I just couldn't say it. I know once I do get it out I will be able to talk about it more openly. It's just that I've spent most of my life trying my best to keep it a secret and now I have to stand face to face with an attractive young woman and tell her I have a small penis. That is very hard to do. I know she doesn't care one way or the other but it's doing something that is against my nature.

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wow! you're homeless? so sorry to hear. the whole situation sounds very distressful.

idk what you generally talk about during your sessions with this woman, but if she's pressuring you to "share with the class", maybe you can just tell her that the core of your problems is of an embarrassing sexual nature, and you're not even comfortable discussing it with her, much less in public.

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Thank you for sharing your story with us, Lifelong.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be homeless. :( You are taking steps to help yourself and that is great. I hope you find employment and a place to live very soon.

I'm sorry therapy did not go well today and that you feel pressured to share. I would not like that either. It takes time to build trust and feel safe enough to share such deeply personal struggles. Are you able to share with her your discomfort with this at this point in time?

It takes a great deal of courage to share your pain with her. It's okay that you weren't able to today. When I first started therapy, I used to write down many of my thoughts and feelings and my therapist would read my notes. After some time it became easier for me to express myself verbally. Do you think this might be helpful to you? You might even print out what you wrote here when you shared about your feelings and your life. Just a thought.

I wish you healing and serenity. I hope you feel better.

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Thanks guys

When she first mentioned about me not sharing in group I thought she meant that I don't say a lot, which is true, but when I questioned her more it became clear that she expected me to share the stuff that we had talked about in session concerning me not having any girlfriends and being a virgin etc. I told her there was no way I could do that. I said I'm having hard enough time just telling this stuff to you alone in this room. I don't want people to know this much about me. It's way too personal.

Although we still haven't discussed my penis size issues I'm sure she knows about it because I had previously spoke to the psychiatrist about it very briefly and she wrote it in her notes. My therapist says she has read her notes so she must know something about it. I asked her about this but she just said that yes she had read her notes but she wanted to hear it from me personally. Which is fine but I'm finding it hard to get the words out. However I think I may have found a way to bring it into the conversation through the back door so to speak. Instead of just coming out and saying "I have a small penis" I will bring it up in reference to something else. That might work. I know once it's out in the air I will be able to discuss it more openly and there is a lot I want to say about it. I did mention to her about writing it down but she said that would be fine then you can read it to me. I thought "what's the point of that? I might as well just come out and say it" lol

 

I'm not sure exactly what good it's going to do. She can't make my penis any bigger. She can't change the last 40 years of my life. She told me last week "I can't fix you, nobody can. Only you can do that" which is true. I knew from the start that she wasn't going to have a magic fix for all my problems. I just thought that maybe sitting and talking with someone about all the stuff I have kept bottled up inside me all these years might make me feel better in some way but it doesn't seem to be doing that. Not yet anyway.

I've only been homeless for a few weeks. It's not a chronic situation. I'm not living on the street or under a bridge or anything like that. I do need to find a job though but it's getting harder with my age and my physical condition getting worse (arthritis in both legs). It kind of limits the kind of jobs I can do. I'm thinking about seeing if I can get on disability either through the VA or SS. I kind of like having a job though. It gets boring sitting around the house all day alone and not getting any exercise or meeting people.

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