I feel unwanted and worthless

[desah_rayray]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We had a normal sex life with having sex about two to three times a week. However, that's changed in the past few months. 

He moved in with me about three months ago, and I've started to notice that he spends less quality time with me, including less sex. We're down to about once a week. And he typically doesn't initiate it unless it's a morning that neither of us has to get up to go anywhere. I've already talked to him about this and he's promised to try more, because he's claiming that he felt that I wasn't giving off the vibe that I wanted to have sex either. Which I can relate to me anxiety and depression, because some days I really just want to hide under a blanket and not be bothered. But in the same respect, he's the one person I need to still be there and try to pull me out of a funk and he doesn't. 

On top of all this, I've discovered that he's been watching porn almost every day. I have no proof that he's doing it to masturbate, but I'm also not an idiot. That's typically what people watch porn for when they're alone. So now, I'm feeling even worse about myself because I feel that he would rather watch other girls doing sexual things on video and stimulate himself instead of engaging in the acts with me. 

Basically, I feel worthless and unattractive to him and I don't know what to do or say to him anymore. I'm ready to just give up. 

[mts]

-

[Victimorthecrime]

That's a bummer Desah RayRay.  I can't imagine watching pornography if I had a live in girlfriend. I would just ask him what his intentions are regarding the relationship  and go from there. 

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, Desah.

I am wondering, did you notice the change in your boyfriend's behavior happened when you moved in together? You mentioned having some discussion with him about your concerns, but have you expressed your feelings and needs to him recently? And also asked him about his feelings and needs?

I'm sorry you feel down. Are you getting support for yourself for the depression and anxiety you struggle with? Do you also have other interests outside of your relationship that bring you joy?

I hope things improve in your relationship and you feel better soon.

Take care, Desah.

[TooOld4This]

On April 18, 2016 at 0:48 AM, desah_rayray said:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We had a normal sex life with having sex about two to three times a week. However, that's changed in the past few months. 

He moved in with me about three months ago, and I've started to notice that he spends less quality time with me, including less sex. We're down to about once a week. And he typically doesn't initiate it unless it's a morning that neither of us has to get up to go anywhere. I've already talked to him about this and he's promised to try more, because he's claiming that he felt that I wasn't giving off the vibe that I wanted to have sex either. Which I can relate to me anxiety and depression, because some days I really just want to hide under a blanket and not be bothered. But in the same respect, he's the one person I need to still be there and try to pull me out of a funk and he doesn't. 

On top of all this, I've discovered that he's been watching porn almost every day. I have no proof that he's doing it to masturbate, but I'm also not an idiot. That's typically what people watch porn for when they're alone. So now, I'm feeling even worse about myself because I feel that he would rather watch other girls doing sexual things on video and stimulate himself instead of engaging in the acts with me. 

Basically, I feel worthless and unattractive to him and I don't know what to do or say to him anymore. I'm ready to just give up. 

 

Hoping that a male perspective will give you some comfort, desah_r.

Porn does not indicate that anything is wrong with you; your boyfriend is not looking at it because you're unattractive, or anything like that.

It's driven entirely by the man's own internal issues.  I remember when i was looking at it a lot: it was when i was in a very stressful, soul-crushing job in which my self-esteem was under attack daily, and i needed to get my mind off work ANY WAY POSSIBLE.

Now, it's true that your man's internal issue could simply be: boredom.  But you can get him to talk about that.  You can start by asking him "what would be fun for you?" in a general way, and work your way over to "what would be fun for you in our sex life?"

If he's not willing to have that discussion with you, then there's a communication breakdown between you.  Some men are willing to fix that breakdown; others aren't willing to acknowledge it as a problem.  If your guy is in the latter category, then it's time to dump him.

[Resolute]

19 minutes ago, TooOld4This said:

If he's not willing to have that discussion with you, then there's a communication breakdown between you.  Some men are willing to fix that breakdown; others aren't willing to acknowledge it as a problem.  If your guy is in the latter category, then it's time to dump him.

don't you think that might be a bit drastic and/or premature?

[TooOld4This]

20 hours ago, Resolute said:

don't you think that might be a bit drastic and/or premature?

No, i don't!

But we don't have to agree: it's a Forum, not a Politburo.

[desah_rayray]

On April 19, 2016 at 0:02 PM, TooOld4This said:

 

Hoping that a male perspective will give you some comfort, desah_r.

Porn does not indicate that anything is wrong with you; your boyfriend is not looking at it because you're unattractive, or anything like that.

It's driven entirely by the man's own internal issues.  I remember when i was looking at it a lot: it was when i was in a very stressful, soul-crushing job in which my self-esteem was under attack daily, and i needed to get my mind off work ANY WAY POSSIBLE.

Now, it's true that your man's internal issue could simply be: boredom.  But you can get him to talk about that.  You can start by asking him "what would be fun for you?" in a general way, and work your way over to "what would be fun for you in our sex life?"

If he's not willing to have that discussion with you, then there's a communication breakdown between you.  Some men are willing to fix that breakdown; others aren't willing to acknowledge it as a problem.  If your guy is in the latter category, then it's time to dump him.

Thank you. I actually talked with him a bit last night about it. And we've agreed to try some new things and see what happens. Mostly it was just boredom or an easy fix. And I asked him to try and be more vocal about what he need sexually because I want to make sure he's happy too. 

We'll see what happens. I also made an appointment to go back to therapy. To work out issues I'm clearly having of my own. 

Thank you for your help.