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Hi, I'm new


Mindmaze
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Hi, I'm new here. I am 32 years old, and live alone. I found this site though a internet search. After browsing it, I thought I would sign up.

I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety. I am getting help; I have a psychiatrist, visiting nurse and counsler. I also have a supportive mom.

I feel trapped though. I have really bad anxiety, so I don't go outside my apartment much. I stay inside because I am afraid of people, but being by myself in my apartment I get so lonely. So, I feel bad either way.

Also, I have these thoughts that people can read my mind, and that I am being monitored.

I have these thoughts of death lately, thinking of my own mortality, and that everyone lives just to die. Feeling like nothing matters, if death is the end result. On one side I want to get better so that I can live a good life, and make the most of it. But, on the other side, I feel tired already, so I don't want to use my energy to try harder because I am just going to die anyway.

I am hoping that I can find some support on this website.

Thanks for reading

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Welcome to the community, Mindmaze. I like your avatar photo too. Do you have any kitties? Pets can be wonderful company. I also find they help keep me motivated and moving.

When you express that you are afraid of people, do you mean you are afraid they will harm you or is it more a fear of being judged?

It sounds as though you're having some existential thoughts. I have them too sometimes. I hear you. I lost a friend of mine last year and though he is gone physically, I have come to realize over time that in many ways he is still here. I know I'm a different person for having known him and I intend to pass along to others what I can as well. I think we touch one another through living and loving others, perhaps even through simple interactions, and the gifts that we each have can be given to others to carry on. That can ripple out and affect many. What do you think?

It's good that you are taking steps to care for yourself and that you have a supportive mom. Support can be invaluable through the difficult times in our lives, I think.

Take care, mindmaze. I hope your day is serene.

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Hi, and thank you both for the reply. I actually got the photo as a wallpaper a while ago, but the pic suits me well. Thanks.

7 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

Welcome to the community, Mindmaze. I like your avatar photo too. Do you have any kitties? Pets can be wonderful company. I also find they help keep me motivated and moving.

When you express that you are afraid of people, do you mean you are afraid they will harm you or is it more a fear of being judged?

It sounds as though you're having some existential thoughts. I have them too sometimes. I hear you. I lost a friend of mine last year and though he is gone physically, I have come to realize over time that in many ways he is still here. I know I'm a different person for having known him and I intend to pass along to others what I can as well. I think we touch one another through living and loving others, perhaps even through simple interactions, and the gifts that we each have can be given to others to carry on. That can ripple out and affect many. What do you think?

It's good that you are taking steps to care for yourself and that you have a supportive mom. Support can be invaluable through the difficult times in our lives, I think.

Take care, mindmaze. I hope your day is serene.

Yes, I have a cat, and she is good company. I think that it would be harder to be alone if I didn't have her. She's a good cat.

With people, I am afraid of being judged. I don't think anyone will harm me. I just feel like such an outsider, and that I don't fit in. I can't seem to say or do the right thing, or what would be normal. I also have low self esteem and a bad self image. I am overweight, and that is the cause of most of my fear of judgement. I feel like I don't belong with the rest of the world. I act and think differently. I get anxious in any social situation. So, I just try and avoid people.

I can understand what you are saying about passing on what we have learned about others. My grandmother died 11 year ago, and she is still in my heart. I have learned from her, and am different because she was in my life. Which, would in turn affect how I interact with others. So, I can see a ripple affect that you mean. I had not thought of it that way. Gives me something to think about.

It's good that I have a support system. Together with my nurse, counsler, and mom, I am lucky. I wouldn't have made it this far without them. I do wish that I could make a friend though. I have no friends. Of course, it is hard to make one when I don't go out much. But, it would be really nice if I could make a friend. With my fear of being judged, it kind of makes it hard.

Thanks for your reply IrmaJean, have a good day!

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@Mindmaze

Have you spoken to your counselor and visiting nurse about wanting to find friends? They may know of something that could help. There are social services places that adults can attend during the day. I have a friend that does that and has made a number of friends that way.  Maybe seek out someone that shares your love of cats.  Good luck to you. 

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