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Is this POCD?


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Hi, 
I think I'm suffering from POCD. Well, when I was 14 I spent months being anxious over the possibility that I was going to become a pedophile. This was because I spoke to somebody my age, actually a little older on social media in a sexual way. My anxiety began in January 2013 and lasted until about March, it then came back in the summer and lasted until about November 2013. Ever since November 2013, I have been happy, attracted to men and women, though I identify as gay to others. Since then I have been comfortable with my sexuality, I even believed I have been in love with this boy my age, we're 17. So a few weeks ago in the Easter holidays, i was bored a lot and masturbation started to bore me, and I questioned myself that maybe Im not attracted to what I've been attracted to since I remember. The night before I went back to college, I couldn't sleep. I was having these intrusive thoughts about children and to check that I wasn't attracted to them, I masturbated to the thoughts and it happened so quickly, then I started to think about it again and I masturbated again, my stomach and nerves were in agony. The next three days I suffered horrendous anxiety, obsessing over the idea I could be a pedophile. It made me feel sick, anxious those three days and all I wanted was to be by my mum. The Monday after the night I masturbated to the thoughts to check there wasn't anything wrong, I masturbated after college to what I usually masturbate to, just normal porn. The littlest thought of a child just made my stomach hurt and made me cum quickly. I tried to masturbate again but my penis wouldn't get hard as I was so anxious. Until the wednesday, I was anxious, over thought everything, my stomach dropped everytime I saw a child and I felt horrible. On the Monday and Tuesday I went in my mum's room cause I was scared. On the wednesday, I felt a bit better, I got home masturbated to what I usually would do and I felt better. The next day I was back to normal and remained myself from that Wednesday and the following week. On the Sunday, one week and one day ago it started to come back, I was checking my groinal responses to whenever I saw a child on TV or something then I read about pedophilia on Wikipedia and I became extremely anxious and terrified that I was one. The next day, everytime I saw a child my stomach hurt and I had a groinal response. The same happened on the tuesday, I thought I was gonna get better after Tuesday again but then I dreamed about my situation and woke up with an erextion. This made me more anxious and made me check myself even more and made the groinal responses more intense. The wednesday, I masturbated three times to what I usually masturbate to, but the groinal responses felt the same, intrusive and intense and made me believe I was a bad person. The next day on the Thursday I forced myself to have a positive day, the groinal responses were still there but I blocked the anxiety away. I was with my friends the whole day and as soon as I was on my own the anxiety started to come back. By the time I was on the way home I think I was having a panic attack, I couldn't breathe properly and my stomach went into meltdown. Everytime i saw a child on tv i looked at my penis and looked at what happened. Nothing really happened, sometimes i believed i wasnt a pedophile and sometimes i believed it. I calmed myself down that night and thought it was gonna get better. The next day was the worst. I woke up with the situation still in my dreams, I saw my nan who made me cry cause she said she loved me with all her life and made me feel guilty. Then on the way to college I just felt like a bad person and had a groinal response everytime I saw a child. When I got into a college I couldn't breathe and felt sick and believed I was having another panic attack. The day got better, I went to town with my friends, though the groinal responses were still there. When I got home I tried to masturbate for the first time in two days, it felt good the first time. Then my thoughts took over and I masturbated to them twice. I climaxed to them so i dont know how i felt, just accepted that I was probably a pedophile. The next day the idea of being a pedophile made me feel sick and anxious once again and I went to my mum's room for comfort. That night I was going to a party and felt horribly anxious. I masturbated three times that day to what I usually masturbate to but didn't enjoy it, to get rid of groinal responses. That night I easily got drunk and forgot all about the situation and felt happy. The next day again I believed that I probably was a pedophile, and was terrified. I layed in my mum's bed all day for comfort and even took six sleeping pills and a cocodomol, not caring if I woke back up. I refused to eat the whole day and that night when I did eat, I felt guilty and ashamed for eating as I felt like I was a bad person. I have suicidal thoughts, thinking I should die now whilst people remember as the good person I am now. I hope this is just POCD, I have so much to look forward to in life, and I'm so scared, my body is confusing me and sometimes I just want to die. I then started to feel a bit better for the following week, started to feel like myself again. Now when I masturbated on Saturday little thoughts came back and now I feel like the worst person again. I keep checking my penis to see if it goes up or down to the the thoughts, and it does both. All I can think about is death. Also when I'm asleep, I don't dream of bad thoughts but I dream of me being a bad person and I'm constantly waking up touching my penis to check if it's hard or not. It's so scary, when I don't feel anxious I feel like it's all real. Anything to do with this stuff will make my penis feel funny. So done with life.

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  • 4 weeks later...

You may need some help with anxiety in general.   You are experiencing some attraction to children, which probably isn't entirely unusual, but the problem is that you're taken over by fear over it.  It would be good if you can get control over the anxiety so you can assure yourself that you wouldn't ever act on a sexual impulse with a child. Beyond that,  if you begin to have some sex with consenting adults in a healthy context,  and lessen your reliance on masturbation,  it will help clear your head,  so to speak.  Maturation (and porn) have a way of messing with our minds,  in my opinion.

I'm sure I'm grossly oversimplifying things,  but I hope I've said something helpful. 

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