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Intense self-hatred


Tina
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One again. Me. This time I am on my PC, on the verge of tears, and I can articulate my feelings better because I am not on phone. Nothing started my depressive moment - except maybe someone mentioning that the game I enjoy immensely was terrible and tha the first one was much better in every aspect. THat can always make me feel terrible for some reason. I do not know why.

The point is that I am chubby and have a lot of really dark and fast-growing body hair. My face is disgusting. I can not imagine anyone finding me the least bit attractive. My personality is terrible. I do not even know what is my personality. No one likes me. I am boring and terrible at social things. I like things no one likes or terrible things. My judgement is horrible. I want to be a scientist but I was unable to grasp even the starting chapter of Feynman´s lectures on Physics. I used to be good in class, but now there are people who are way better than me. I hate it. I hate myself. I really feel like dying... but I am terrified of death.

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Hi Tina

From your post, it sounds like you're in high school.  

Even though i'm 40+ years older than you, i remember having exactly the same kinds of feelings you're having.

I hated myself too, so much so that i attempted suicide when i was 18 (i still have physical scars from it; don't ask for details).

But you know what, Tina?  If i had gone through with it, if i had really killed myself, i would have missed out on so much.  

I never would've met my wife, i never would've gone to Europe or Africa, i never would've learned to ski or rollerblade or sail a boat.  I never would have been to the Olympics or Las Vegas.

You haven't lived your life yet, Tina; you don't know what you might miss out on.

Please stop hating yourself.  There are people in this Forum who think you are precious and who love you.  I bet you have a parent, or two parents, or grandparents, who think you are beautiful and fascinating.  Maybe they're a lot smarter than the mean kids who say mean things to you.

Hope you'll post here some more, so that caring people can write good things to comfort you.

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Im sorry you are feeling so bad, but I can understand you. In high school I didnt have even one friend and kids were mean to me. I wanted to disappear so many times.

Now Im in university and Im studing science. Science is hard, but even if you cant understand something at the moment doesnt mean that you will not understand it later or that you are stupid. You are not stupid. You cant always be the best student. There always will be someone better than you. But that doesnt matter. Try not to think about others. Focus only on yourself

Now in university I have friends. Im not going to lie you I still feel bad and not good enough sometimes, but I feel that there are people who likes me just the way Im. Things can get better. :)

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Hello, Tina. I'm sorry you're feeling down.

I might have written something very similar in high school myself. I know I had similar thoughts about myself. I recall once there was a school banquet dinner and I got my elbow stuck in a chair and couldn't stand for the pledge to the flag. It caused quite a scene as my family tried to pull my arm free. I remember afterwards I went home and cried on my  bed for most of the night, not wanting to ever return to school again. I also did not have many friends and I never dated anyone until college. Those were tough years, but I made it through them and now I'm happily married with three terrific kids. I also believe that things can get better.

One thing that has helped me over the years has been to develop an inner voice that encourages me and cares for me during difficult times. So I tell myself I'm okay and I can do this, that I need to keep trying. I don't know if that might help you or not, but maybe you could give it a try? I hope you can find a way to be gentle and compassionate with yourself.

Regarding facial/body hair and weight issues, this might be something to ask your doctor about just to be certain there isn't a medical cause.

We care about you, Tina.

Are you on summer break soon? I hope you are able to enjoy some fun summer activities. I hope you feel better.

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