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I need honest advice

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So. I have been thinking about admitting myself to the hospital but here are reasons why I am scared to

  • Family will shame me and make my life hell
  • boyfriend will think it is an overdramatic response
  • People may judge me at the hospital bc I have had a bad experience.
  • No one will take me seriously
  • I could lose my job. I lost my job last time when I didn't call in when going to the er when my ex tried to kill me.

But I can't ask many people for advice, my two friends arent online much and I don't want to overwhelm them.

I feel this would really help me but I don't want to tell family because they would actually blame me and get mad at something that doesnt affect them. Please please give me your honest advice. I have had suicidal thoughts, thoughts of selfharm and have self harmed, anger outburts that I cant control, panic attacks and constant fear. And my normal symptoms of my PTSD.

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