About to Relapse

[bpdisaster]

Everything has been going terribly in my life, I have so many medical bills, I'm in a ton of debt, my sister was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and is unable to use her arms or legs. But then I met this woman and things started to turn around. She's wonderful to me, she's incredibly loving and supportive. My BPD and intrusive thoughts are creeping back and telling me that I don't deserve her and that she's just going to leave you as soon as she gets the chance. I'm so overwhelmed and all I want to do is cut. I don't know if I can make it through this time. I think I'm going to relapse. Please help me. 

[LaLa]

Hello and welcome!  

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation  ... And with all the history of problems, intrusive thoughts, ... it's not surprising that you "don't believe life could change for better for you" and that "somebody could love you unconditionally, even when knowing you very well"  . That's what bad experiences usually do to us... But it doesn't mean it has to be like that, that you just can't stop yourself from self-sabotaging and have to relapse. And even if you do relapse, it doesn't mean it has to ruin everything. Healing is complicated and in many cases includes also relapses. I think it might be a bit helpful to realize this to calm yourself a bit, to stop "panicking". You've already made an important step: You came here and ask for help! You were able to realize and describe your problems and to admit to yourself that you need some advise, support, ... You didn't cut yourself (or did you?), you wrote a post instead. That's already a good start.   (I'm very sorry that nobody replied sooner - it happens a lot that no moderator is on-line to "activate new account"... I hope you've been able to cope in the meantime.)

I have a couple of questions about your relationship: You describe your partner as loving and supportive (incredibly - to you, due to your poor expectations and probably previous experiences). Has she "seen" when you were in a terrible mood, when you felt depressed? (I suppose probably yes; otherwise you wouldn't know she's supportive, ...) Based on this experience, could you find the courage to talk to her about all what you wrote in this post (and more)? (Or did I misunderstand and she knows already?) I believe it would be very beneficial for both you and your mutual relationship: Making oneself so vulnerable by talking about such issues is a valuable gift (of trust, confidence, honesty, openness, closeness...) for the partner. And at the same time, you may get the reassurance you need (about her attitude to you, her relationship) as well as more support and help with the issues you're struggling with.

Is she knowledgeable about BPD? Even if yes, there are so many resources that might help her to understand more and even to be inspired to some new ways of helping you to cope (and helping her to protect herself from becoming also a bit depressed or overwhelmed by your problems). You might search for some (together?) and share...

I'm sure there are also other things that can be done to make you feel better (I hope someone else will suggest some), but I personally believe it's essential to talk about this all with your partner. Not only for the reasons I've already written, but also because if you try to hide this from her, you can only hurt your relationships by such a burden of "secret" which become more and more difficult to talk about after a longer and longer time. What do you think?

I wish you the best of luck! Take care and keep posting!  

P.S.: Sorry for my strange English (I hope my sentences are understandable; I'm writing rather in a hurry and that's when I most often use "bizarre" expression  ).