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Im lost. Give up my dreams?


Basil
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Hi,

Im new to the forums. Sorry if the post is too long.

I will try to keep it short and I will answer any questions that I can.

In short,

Im lost in life. I have to work because my family and I have no money, but Im worn out and I can never focus on my passions.

 

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With more detail:

Im half Japanese, half Canadian, grew up in Canada and moved to Japan and live with my mom since June2016 (Parents divorced)

My passion was always music (Jazz in particular). But people around me would tell me Its too risky and would pull me away from my passions.

My school forced me into an advanced program in which they kicked me out from the program a month before graduation so i was never certified despite going through two years of its courses.

I couldnt go to college or university anyway since my parents are divorced and both are in dept up to their eye balls.

I worked full time for three years, but this forced me to stop playing music completely, so I accumulated stress and tired so I decided to move to Japan and get a fresh start.

I gave $10,000 to my dad to help for his dept and I flew to Japan.

Ever since I came here, Ive had the longest streak of bad luck and developed severe symptomes of depression. 

-Lack of sleep and apetite

-No energy / Couldnt move

-No desire for anything/no excitement

-Weightloss and grew weak

-Vivid thoughts of suide.

I broke up and left my toxic relationship, I forced myself to wake up every morning at the same time, I started to meditate and do Yogaevery morning, and try to eat healthier. This helped.

I even bought software and gear to learn music production.

 

Today I was told the local jazz bar needs me to work there asap. I can make connections with jazz musicians and its suppose to be great.

But instead it tore me apart: i dont want to work. I work really hard so employers love me, but at my own health's expense (mental and physical). Its just the way I have become for reasons.

I have to work cause my family needs money, and I need to live, but I cant stand it. I hate it. I hate working for the sake of money and forcing me to stray away from what I really want to do. Working long and late hours takes the energy from me to focus on anything else.

I dont know how to regain that energy I once had long long ago.

Should I just give up my dreams?

Should I just get a job and work solely for the purpose of making money like everyone is telling me?

I dont want to work, but I have to. I want to learn and get into the music industry, but i have neither energy nor money.

Im lost...

 

Thank you so much for your time <3

Help is much appreciated!

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Hello, Basil, welcome! :) 

Your post isn't too long, don't worry ;) . I would rather like to hear more from you; I'm not sure we have enough info, mainly about your dreams and the job opportunities you have. In any case, no one could answer the question for you (although it would probably feel good to you for a moment - I've been there, too; I sometimes wish others to make decisions instead of myself). But I hope we can help you to think better about it. Let's start with some questions:

For instance: What precisely are your dreams? If you received an offer of a "dream job" today, would you accept it without the worries that you have about the current offer? How do you imagine you would feel after rejection this offer? 

1 hour ago, Basil said:

I want to learn and get into the music industry, but i have neither energy nor money.

What would the money be for? Isn't that job in the jazz club an opportunity to slowly (perhaps even quickly; who knows?) get into the music industry? ...

Here are some thoughts of mine; not "an advise", yet something to think about:

Sometimes we don't have energy because we're depressed due to the situation, for instance unemployment and uncertainty and existential worries about money and the future. But as we make a big step and get involved in an activity (job, ...) necessitating a lot of energy, we can get excited, enthusiastic and the energy is suddenly there. Yes, the job can be exhausting (perhaps most of jobs are), but perhaps the positive sides will make it easier and you'll have the feeling that it's worth it. And if you felt it wasn't worth it, you could look always for a new job... 

Good luck!

P.S.: BTW; I admire how you managed to ameliorate your lifestyle to fight the depression! :)  Good for you! Perhaps these partial successes could serve as a source of hope for new achievements... ;) 

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I very much appreciate your time and patience with me LaLa!

My "Dream" is happiness and satisfaction. I could work 12+ hours and 7 days a week if I am happy doing the job I like.

If I were to be offord to work in a studio and learn to produce, mix and master music as I go, I would take it with no questions asked. Even if I were to get paid in peanuts (and Im allergic to peanuts).

If I were to reject the offer, I would fear I burned a bridge I dont want to burn, but I would definitely work even harder on learning music (playing, producing, theory..)

The money would be for survival (food, rent, transportation, etc).

P.S. You are beyond amazing for taking your time and listening to my concerns. You have all of my respect <3

Thank you :)

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To dig a little deaper into my "dreams", I grew up watching my father and mother fall apart for many reasons (Money and Happiness being the big two). 

Living with my father (after the divorce), was a life changing experience for me because he taught me to focus on happiness as the priority in life. 

In 2011, I use to practice playing music for 6+hours daily. Professional musicians told me personally that I can become great if I keep going. I loved the feeling of holding my instrument, I loved the sounds, rhythm and harmony that I could make, and it was the most joy I had felt, ever. 

However my school would try to force me into their advanced program, and to go to university. Despite me telling them how I won't be able to keep up (I was in a french school), I ended up going through the courses working the hardest I could ever imagine, but the school ended up kicking me out after two years (a month before graduation) because my grades were insufficient.

During those two years I had stopped playin music, then my father and I needed money, so I got a job right away. I had lost complete momentum and did not play music since.

The past three years working there (despite accumulating stress for many reasons), were the happiest times of my life. I felt that I could work at minimum wage for the rest of my life as long as I can maintain this happiness there. It was the people around me that were great. However, I got "too comfortable" with minimum wage, and I needed to step forward in life. So I moved to Japan to start fresh.

After moving to Japan, I soon realised how little I really had. I had events upon events of bad luck (I try to think that it could have been worst, or it happened for a greater reason), but symptoms of depression became very apparent. I had lost every direction in life and had no desire for anything.

I couldn't stand the person I had become so I tried my best to remember the feeling I had when I use to play music back in 2011. Because buying an upright bass is currently out of my budget, i bought What I can and got stuff to produce music. I slowly started to feel "that feeling" again and I wanted to work hard to become the best music producer.

Miles Davis is one of the greatest Jazz Musicians. After being addicted to drugs, he locked himself up into his parents attic to practice trumpet for a long time and came out greater than ever before.

Sonny Rollins did something similar and went under a bridge to practive for hours and hours and came back with the amazing "The Bridge" album.

These two stuck with me because it tells me you need to work hard at what you do to become great. And I would always prioritise other "more important" things because that is the social norm.

Being offered that minimum wage job again, it takes me back to when I was in school and the past three years. Sacrificing the time I can spend trying to become great. Miles and Sonny didnt become great playing one to two hours a day.

Although I could make connections at the Jazz club, knowing the best Jazz player in the world is useless if I can't actually do anything myself. And working there, the reality is I would be working to become a waiter or a bartender.

This is where I am lost. 

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Hi Basil. I was just wondering if you could survive financially if you began working at the jazz club part time to give yourself time to practise your music and hopefully begin to recover from the depression?

It seems a shame to give up on a dream if you have the raw talent and potential to make it work. I think there is something very healing about music too if someone has been suffering, which may mean working in a musical environment helps you. 

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5 hours ago, jazz said:

Hi Basil. I was just wondering if you could survive financially if you began working at the jazz club part time to give yourself time to practise your music and hopefully begin to recover from the depression?

It seems a shame to give up on a dream if you have the raw talent and potential to make it work. I think there is something very healing about music too if someone has been suffering, which may mean working in a musical environment helps you. 

Hi Jazz,
I'm currently making music on a keyboard connected to my computer. I'm going to need money to buy myself and upright bass, so despite how depressed or unmotivated I am, I have to own up to the fact that I need money if I want to progress in music either way. Working the late night worries me because I've recently realised the importance of having a proper sleep cycle; having a few days of the week when I come home at 1 in the morning will definitely affect that.
I have a lot of worries, but I will go talk to the owner again and probably take up his offer. The hardest thing for me will be time management and dedication.

Thank you so much for your time, and much love to you :)

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2 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Hi Basil. So you play bass?  I actually saw Miles, Diz, Maynard, Bags, Buddy Rich, Ron Carter and many others back in the late 80s.  

Could you work teaching music or writing music or being in a Wedding or cover band of some sort or studio musician??  

Hi Victimorthecrime, those are some huge cats I would have loved to see live! It very unfortunate most of them passed away before I was born or old enough to know who they were. They were true legends.

I started and got somewhere on the upright bass, but I haven't played in over two years now. I will definitely need a lot of brushing up to do....or rather, sculpting over...haha I was better on the electric bass, but I haven't practice it for almost 4 years now... I hope it will come back as I practice.

I could definitely look into teaching in the future, but I don't have enough credit to teach yet. Even to beginners at this point. Because I've been forced off work for the past month, I've been learning production of Hiphop and the recently popular "electronic" music. I'm hoping to add a Jazz-heavy influence and try to keep the Jazz fire going. Using YouTube and other social media as a way to gain exposure is also something I need to keep in mind. There is a lot to think about, and having to "focus" on work is just overwhelming.

I need to gain strength an solidity whether I like it or now.

I very much appreciate you taking your time to read and reply to my concerns.
Thank you so very much :)

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