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Am I screwed (Pe . . .)


Antht
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Hello, Antht, welcome! :) 

Don't worry about confidentiality here! You're anonymous and, what's more, you have no reason to feel threatened in any way; you haven't done anything wrong and we won't judge your thoughts. :)  Or, to be honest, I will "judge" you: I think you're brave to open up and search for help, although it's "only anonymous" ;) .

Have you read some of the topics on this forum, related to similar problems? You may discover that worrying about being a pedophile is relatively commun and people can get very obsessive, depressed, and even suicidal because of that; even those who actually are not pedophiles at all (and/or are sure they would never harm (even touch) a child). So... it seems to me it's better to "tackle" this problem sooner than later; certainly before it makes your life "too miserable"... 

I cannot tell if a therapist you'd see would be a competent-one :( , but I think seeing a professional who is familiar with this type of issues would probably be very useful. It occurred to me that perhaps you could ask on a specialized site if someone knows (=can recommend) such a therapist in your area: There is a website, www.virped.org, where you probably could get more valuable feedback and info (than here - but that doesn't mean you should leave this forum; you're welcome and I'm certainly eager to hear more from you!). 

You could also seek a therapist to deal with the obsession (and possibly anxiety etc.) related to this problem and your fears of your reactions; some techniques might be successfully applied even if you don't tell what "the thing" about with you obsess is, but... I think openness and honesty are too important in a therapeutical relationship, so... But you could try a therapist without telling him "the subject" and after some time (there would certainly be a work to do even unrelated to your concerns about your feelings around children!), if you feel "he's the right person" / you can trust him, you feel enough confidence, ... - then you can start to talk about this issue as well.

What do yo think?

Good luck and take care!

 

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It's good that you give yourself such a high chance!! :)  But I'm a bit worried that when you put so much importance onto this one experience, you may easily be too nervous, thus feel and act too "unnaturally" because of all the important expectations. I wish you to be able to take it easy...

Good luck!

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"Knowing all of this, what do I appear to be ... ?"

Um, you appear to be confused?  At this point, I'm not sure I'd make more of it than that.  It would be more worrying if you thought that it would be okay to get involved with a child, or that love for, or love from, a child might be expressed sexually.

"Why [would sex with a child be] dysfunctional? It serves no evolutionary purpose and is a pure hassle."

It's also dysfunctional because it harms the child, and it brings up a question about whether the sexual interest comes from love.  If you love someone, you think about their wellbeing more than your own desires and pleasures.

One question that arises whenever we experience a strong attraction we don't understand, such as developing a "crush" on someone, is to see what traits attract us, and possibly to ask whom they remind us of.  We may be attracted to innocence if we value it, or if we regret losing it ourselves;  we may be attracted to someone who reminds us of a parent (or who reminds us of the opposite of a parent, just as easily);  or we may be attracted to someone who displays a trait we have but aren't able to express.

Such attractions are not in themselves harmful.  What matters is what we do with the attraction.  If we know that acting on the feeling in a certain way would be harmful, we can choose a different action.  One possibility is that the attraction could be an opportunity to learn more about ourselves.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks for the update, Antht!

It seems to me you have a good approach to this problem; you can "analyze" it and not "freak out", for instance.

I think it would be much easier if the parents said that they don't with their daughter to sit on your knees. Now it's only up to you to set the appropriate limits. I understand that you didn't set any yet for the child - she hasn't done anything "bad" so it could have seem weird to "ban" it, and you wanted to "do the experiment" to see your reaction and feelings in such a situation. From my personal point of view, it's OK. But I also think you could and probably also should set some limits to your interaction with the girl (or, rather, for all your students - so it wouldn't seem either strange (to someone else) or difficult (for you, to decide) that you have to "invent" different limits for different children). You said you're afraid she might "feel something and tell her parents about it" - and that's something you definitely could prevent by some rules. Children find it natural that adults tell them what to do and what not to do, so it should be OK if you tell the girl (in case she starts getting "too close"...) that as you see she enjoyed sitting on your knees, you let her do it when she wants, but that (I'm writing in in my very awkward language - I suppose you'd be able to explain it in a "normal" way - it's much easier during the situation, where you can show her exactly what you mean instead of explaining it) you want her to sit in some particular positions (when she's not "too close") because when she sits in a different way, it's uncomfortable to you (-I mean physically - like if, when I hyperbolize it, someone was standing on you toe, for instance) and/or sometimes it's getting in the way of what you're doing (like... you can't write in certain positions or you don't have an easy access to a book you'd like to reach - something of that kind, I don't know...). If you don't make it look weird by talking awkwardly, then, I think, she would just accept it as "an order" of an authority. And if not, you can just, after each of her attempts to get closer, "push her away" (I mean several cm, not totally away ;) ) and calmly say something like "I's better this way."

What do you think?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well this was kind of weird. I spoke with a counselor over the phone and she didn't know what POCD is which I guess is not impossible or anything. But after defining it, she asked if I had acted upon it. Someone who's already done that should already know what they are (in that case, a child molester)  because it's already happened. So, logically, it was a very odd thing to say. She's too expensive anyway so I'm looking elsewhere.

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It's sad that not every specialist is educated about all the types of problems people struggle with! :( They don't have to be all specializes in every single disorder, of course, but they should at least know about them and then be able to gain more education in case some patient / client approaches them with a particular problem...

In any case, I'm very glad you didn't give up!!! :) It's important not to generalize and not to give up after some bad experiences.

Good luck!

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  • 2 weeks later...

For once I can report something positive. After reading "thinking bad thoughts" found on this webpage http://raminader.com/ocd_resources.htm

I recognized that this must be what I am experiencing without a doubt and there is no way I could realistically be a pedophile (not that I couldn't accept it, but if it's not real then I shouldn't). During my daycare time, I was able to meaningfully interact with a child that previously would cause a ridiculous  reaction and moreover my actual thoughts were essentially mute and not in any way predatory or incriminating. I won't say "I'm cured!" but this is certainly a step in the right direction.  My alternate theory is actually that I have been suffering from depression *at times* from not having a child and longing to raise a little girl (now obviously, whatever comes out in the end will be what I raise if I am so fortunate to have that opportunity). By juxtaposing these two, it kind of fits, but I don't know, it's just a theory. Now if I mentioned my teaching earlier in the week, you probably wouldn't say anything has improved but I like to look at the positives. If one situation can improve, so can others, in time.

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