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Intrusive thoughts


ThatOne
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I'm going to cut a somewhat long story short here for my own sake:

 

A while ago I met a girl, she actually seems to care about me and makes me feel good about myself and she's the first person ever to numb the self hatred.

 

Now onto the big bit:

I was talking to her today and we were planning on going to a concert, after talking for a while she said that some guys she knew would be going aswell and that "This could be fun".

Now as soon as I read that, things started going downhill. For the past 2 hours I've been flipping back and forth between "It'll be fine, didnt mean anything" and "She's going to leave you at the show" and things worse than I'd like to mention here.

 

I feel sick, actually sick right now. I'm shaking and I'm freaking out, whats happening to me now has never happened before. I've never had a this hard reaction towards something before.

It feels like I'm going to puke but when I try to I just dry heave and end up in even more pain, my muscles ache and I'm unable to focus on anything other than the thoughts.

 

This is fucking horrible, I cant live with something like this, but I cant say anything because I'll seem like an idiot or like I've got crazy trust issues. Maybe I do! I dont even know myself, I dont know myself. I dont know my own emotions and now I'm panicking in my bedroom trying not to think about anything but nothings working. I dont know what to do. Everything was going great, and I'm overreacting or maybe I'm not all I know is that I've never been this close to deceiding on calling it quits.

 

All this because I'm overreacting to something that might not even have meant anything... I should stop wondering why I hate myself. I cant even live right.

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Are you feeling calmer now, Thatone? I hope you are.

There were times for me, in the past, when I was afraid of loss and my mind would spin with all of the potential terrible scenarios. That space can be very difficult to pull out of. I think it's important to try to take care of ourselves through these difficult moments. There is a want to focus entirely on the other person and doing that can lead us to abandon ourselves during time of need.

Maybe the first step might be to try and breathe some space between yourself and your feelings? It can be very easy to fall into strong feelings and allow them to completely take over to the point where one does then feel confused and ill. :( Not to mention that spinning and irrational thoughts can lead to feelings. Are you able to talk gently with yourself? Maybe there is another part of you who can care for the part of you that feels vulnerable and afraid?

I think that as much as any of us want for our relationships to continue, in the end we can only control our part. It's very difficult feeling so vulnerable in that...but I think that our openness to the deepest aspects of ourselves are also the very things that can help us to become closer to others. I hope things continue to go well in your relationship. I hope in time you feel less insecurity. Take care and I hope you feel better.

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