I don't know where to go (trigger?)

[Tekka]

So... for about 7 years now, I've been planning something. Due to the way my life's played out, my past isn't affecting me. However, recently, some events have rekindled my self-destructive habits and thoughts. Not to mention the visual hallucinations and mental screaming, stress from relationships has caused me to go back to work on my suicide plan.

 

Now, I'm not necessarily depressed. I may have depression, but that doesn't affect my judgement much. Rather, I only have seen this as a rational option, and I know for a fact that I will not stop trying, for any reason, to kill myself. I don't know what to do about it, as I have no feelings attached to the idea.

[Human]

Hey, Tekka. I don't think I know enough about you to be all that helpful, but if you really had no feelings towards killing yourself, would you have come here to ask about it? I'm hoping that's a sign that you don't actually want to go through with it, you just want out of your current situation.

With the visual hallucinations and mental screaming, are you in counseling? If not, I highly suggest getting into that. 

Death is always a "rational option," but it's not a very productive one, and it doesn't accomplish anything. It's jumping out instead of fighting. You seem like a strong person to me, and I'd like you to think of living in itself as a point of pride, so at least if you have no feelings towards death, you can have a positive one towards life, because it's certainly a struggle, and choosing to do so is a triumph.

If relationships are causing more harm than good, getting out of them would be something to work on, unless, of course, that's impossible, (i.e. if they're your family or something). Otherwise, I think extracting yourself from that stressor would be a good first step.

Other than that, I don't really know what to say, other than that I hope you are or will see a therapist or something akin to one.

Best wishes to your situation.

[Tekka]

I came here knowing how much my mentality is in flux, and that with my philosophies and related information I may need to leave a trail. I understand myself well enough to know that one day I'll be everyone's friend and fool, and the next, the straight-faced paranoid.

Note: my ideas on life and the nature of reality don't help.