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Scared


Scared40
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Hi I am sitting in my room sooo scared. I am almost 40 years old. I was sexually abused when I was young. 

My dad my self and my niece were sitting and braaing meat for supper my dad had quite a lot to drink tonight. When we all went to bed my dad started sending me watsup messages that he would give me R2000 to sleep with him. I adventually got brave and sad " dad I am your daughter you can send messages like that to me " he just said sorry and went to sleep. I am now scared and don't know what to do. I love my father I was always daddy's girl. My mom past away 4 months ago. What do I do please help

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Hello and welcome!

I can understand you're scared; it's shocking and confusing to receive such "offer" :( ... The good new is he didn't insist, accepted your refusal, and even apologized. As you know, he was drunk, so he might have been even confused (about what he's actually doing), not just "uninhibited in his fantasies and desires". (Sorry for this; just an idea: Can't it be, accidentally, a symptom of dementia?) Does he seem to be real thread to you (despite his age)? I know this is impossible for me to assess accurately, but... if something like this happens only once and only due to alcohol and with such a peaceful conclusion, I wouldn't perceive him as dangerous to you. At the same time, you may feel disgusted and ashamed for him, for instance. It's natural. I hope it will attenuate in time...

46 minutes ago, Scared40 said:

I was sexually abused when I was young. 

May I ask how precisely is this related to what happened this night?

[I'll write more later]

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Sorry; I have to go off-line soon, but at least some questions to think about:

 

5 minutes ago, Scared40 said:

I am sick to my stomach and scared.

Can you analyse a bit why precisely you feel this way? What do you imagine could happen? Do you think it's probable? Aren't your emotions too much influencing you judgement?

7 minutes ago, Scared40 said:

I keep thinking what am I going to do when morning comes.

Perhaps yo could write down the ideas (even here!); it sometimes helps to clarify one's thinking and also to get rid of some reoccurring thoughts...

BTW; there was a topic about a situation almost exactly like yours, on this forum. Perhaps last year or even longer ago. I'm sorry I can't find it now for you, but perhaps yo may try (?).

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I feel as it is happening all over again. The sexual abuse. It always starts with them touching which was how it started tonight and I got up and ran to my room. What hurts the most is my dad was my support during my younger days when I was abused. And I don't know. Yes It might be the alcohol but he is my father. 

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Sorry to hear this Scarred40 this is absolutely horrible and no one should have to go through this.  While you are still living there I would absolutely call the police the next time a hint of this behavior arises.  Ultimately I would get out of there if at all possible.  You may even want to purchase pepper spray or other weapon.  

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Maybe what u say is true. My emotions could be causing these feelings. I am shocked that my father would do something like this. My mom always said that when my father had been drink to never talk to him then but wait till the next day when he was sober. But it scares me to think that I must talk to him in the morning. I am afraid loosing the bond we had I already don't trust him anymore and I can't loose my dad as welll

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I think it depends on his reaction in the morning. Perhaps you could confront him with an effort not to be "condemning" and even not too angry. Imagine that when it happened, he literally wasn't himself, so now you're talking to another person who may be quite horrified about the messages and questions from last night! Try a compassionate approach and see how he responds. If he's sorry and ashamed, then push him to make an agreement about how to avoid such situation in future (couldn't he, for instance, stop drinking??? That would be ideal!). Tell him what the consequences will be if it happens again. Give him this chance to repair your relationship. He's done something wrong, but he didn't physically hurt you (and maybe he even isn't aware of what he's done). Explain this all to him, even if it's very hard to talk about it. Make sure he understands your feelings - your fear and confusion, but also your need to have a good relationship with him; why he matters to you.

Good luck!!

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Hi I confronted him and he said he remembered it but was very sorry. He was drunk and stupid. 

I just don't know what to say or do my head is totally confused so many different feeling going through me right now. I am leaving tomorrow for a work trip and think maybe it will help to clear my head. Don't know if I will ever trust him again. He did say he would stop drinking but time will tell. 

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May I ask; is he an alcoholic? Because if yes, then he may be sorry and at the same time unable to stop. And I suppose this inability also makes him more potentially dangerous :( . Perhaps you could focus, besides your safety, of course, on an attempt to convince him to get help with his alcohol problem...

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Scared, I agree with mts that it might be in your best interests to get some space from your father right now. Even if he has his own struggles, you deserve to feel safe. I think that he has to realize that he has a problem and get help for himself. I don’t think that anyone else can do this for him. In the meantime, your health and well-being are of great importance. 

Take care of yourself, Scared.

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