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I've never felt pain like this


queenfoxs
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This is a bit of a long story, but what's going on is affecting my mental health immensely. I don't know which way to turn so I guess I'll post here. I moved across the country back to the town I grew up in so I could be with the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. Him and I were engaged for two years, in a relationship for six years. I left him and moved to wisconsin with my sister because he was treating me badly and i wanted him to try and change before i got back with him again. He's changed, but he fell in love with someone else. This other girl is now pregnant with his child. I'm obsolete now to the person i believe to be my soul mate. He's struggling to choose between her and I and I can't handle it anymore. I told him I would wait for him but this whole ordeal is driving me to the point where i'm punching myself so hard i'm leaving bruises. I feel like none of this would have happened if I never left and just stayed here and worked with him to make things better. I feel like i'm ruining other people's lives. I don't want to live like this anymore and i don't see myself moving forward with life without him. I don't know what to do. I'm so fucking confused and hurt and I haven't stopped crying for days. I've cried myself to sleep the last several nights. I want to be with him and this girl doesn't but he has feelings for her. I don't understand how his mind is working and i don't know what he's thinking. If he decides to be with her he has to cut me off for good, forever. I don't think I'll be able to make it if that happens. I can't see a future without him in it. This is what I've worked so hard my whole life for. I chased him ever since i was 13 and now i'm 20. We've been together for our whole lives it seems like. If he chooses her I can guarantee I won't be around long enough for him to find out if that's the correct decision or not.

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Welcome to the community, Queensfox. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. :(

I hear you that it is extremely painful for you to consider a life without your former boyfriend. Though it may be difficult to accept, I don't think there is really any way any of us can control the decisions others make. There is no way we can truly know what another person is thinking either unless that person makes a choice to share this with us. The spiral that you are feeling can be deeply painful and frightening. I have been there myself and it can be quite distressful. I'm so sorry you are in this space. I am here listening and sending you care.

Have you ever read anything about attachment? Our patterns of relating are often formed during our very first relationships and these patterns tend to repeat themselves throughout our lives. How can you meet your needs now? Can you stand with yourself and care for yourself now?

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I'm sorry I can't think of any advise :( ... It just occurred to me that to "distract" as well as "educate" yourself, you might try to watch some videos of School of life. They explain relationships in a very useful way. I'm not sure how probable it is to find there an inspiration for "a solution" for you :o , but who knows? You might try.

Perhaps start with this one and then select yourself the topics there that sound relevant:

 

Good luck!!! I wish you to get better soon... (And I'll let you know if I have a "useful" idea about your problem.)

 

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