From depression to happiness

[Pshore]

Hi all, I've lurked these forums for a long time, and it made me feel better to know I wasn't alone (not that I wish sps on anyone). 

I want to share my story, so that it might help someone like so many of your stories helped me. 

I have always been sexually and socially stunted. I was overweight most of my life, had horrible acne, and of course sps (about 4" erect). Girls avoided me like the plague growing up, and I would push away the occasional girl that showed interest because I was terrified of intimacy. 

This continued into college, and I had still not even kissed a girl. At this point I was scared I would embarrass myself if I even attempted to make a move on a girl, and I was petrified of showing anyone my penis. 

About the the time I turned 26 I hit my lowest point, or so I thought. I was out of school, no job, living at my grandparents, very heavy, never kissed a girl or had a date. I accepted I would never be with a woman without paying for it, but even paying for it scared me. 

So I decided to change. I found a job, and I worked hard and turned it into a well paying career. That commitment to being a confident adult was my first step. I then lost my weight, and kept it off(that's another whole demon).

So at 28 or so, I have a good job, I'm slim, handsome(I say it humbly), and I'm getting hit on left and right...but, I'm scared shitless and avoid situations that might lead to intimacy. I still hadn't had a date or a kiss. 

This is when I get really dark. I've made all these huge changes, and I realized I am no closer to a relationship because I'm mortally embarrassed of my penis. I started to think of suicide regularly. This went on for a couple of years the same way. I'd avoid women, or reject advances, and then have suicidal thoughts. I was convinced I'd be this painfully alone forever. 

One day, I can't even say how or why, I got up the courage to chat with someone on a dating website. After a while, I got the courage to go on my first date at age 31! The date didn't go anywhere, but only partially because I was scared of intimacy. I realized for the first time that my terror might not be so absolute. 

This gave me a huge boost of confidence. That's what helped me start seeing the possibility of a relationship. I turned my attention to a friend I fancied. We were already casually flirting. I started to intensify the flirting, and she reciprocated. As things got more serious I knew I was approaching the first kiss territory, and the fear of not doing it right nearly drove me back into my routine of shutting down, but I decided it was now or never. I got my first kiss, and it was great. I realized all my obsessing about not being experienced wasted years of my life. 

That realization gave me a huge boost going forward. We started making out heavily, like I imagine teenagers do. I knew it was heading for sex any day, and my fears went into overdrive. I started having suicidal thoughts again. I even reached the conclusion that I couldn't show her my penis after hearing her make a comment about no woman wanting a man with a small penis (OUCH!). I travel in the same circle with this woman, so I was risking humiliation on a grand scale. 

Despite her comment, I trusted her and really liked her. I just forced myself to make a move. I pushed the fear to the corner of my mind and went for it. I knew I couldn't just pull out my little guy and hump away, or my worst fear would come true. I surprised the hell out of her and dropped to my knees. I used my tongue and fingers to give her several orgasms, before it finally came time. She wasn't going to wait one second longer for the reveal, so I whispered that I wasn't very big, and she said she didn't care. She didn't mind at all. There was no pause when she saw it, she didn't recoil, she didn't reject me. She was all in. 

We had some hard conversations in the following days about my deep insecurities, and she was so loving and considerate. We continued to have sex multiple times a day weeks after that. I always made sure I used the tools I had to provide orgasms. That I believe is key for those of us with sps. We DO have better tools than even a big penis to produce orgasms.  

Fast forward a year, and we're getting married!!

i went from so depressed and dark that I sincerely wished for death, to confident and happy. 

I just want to say that it all starts with one brave step. Do something hard to make your life better  , and use that to improve your confidence. Understand that most woman are not as shallow as they might even portray(remember her comment). You can make a woman happy despite your endowment, it just takes breaking through that fear. I know, easier said than done. It took me years, but I did get through it and I think I was about as bad an example of this as there could be. 

thats my story, and I hope it will help someone out there. 

 

Edit: I changed a few non-essential details that were very unique to my situation and could identify me (small chance of that, but still). 

[Resolute]

if it's fiction you seek, i recommend fairytale and happily ever after websites.

[Pshore]

4 hours ago, Resolute said:

if it's fiction you seek, i recommend fairytale and happily ever after websites.

I never said I would live happily ever after. I'm happy now. That doesn't mean I don't hate my job, or have the same problems everyone else does. 

I still have hang ups about my sps, and think about it every time I disrobe. 

I'm saying that I made drastic changes in my life that have made it much better, and I was able to overcome my fears in the relationship I'm in now. 

Believe me, if for some horrible reason I was to have to go back out and date down the road, it would be very difficult to get over my insecurities once again. 

Please don't call me a liar. I'm only sharing my experience, which is hard enough to write down without being shamed for it. 

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, pshore, and thank you for sharing your experience with us. It's wonderful to see how things have changed for you in a positive way. I hope you continue on a healing path. I wish you and your girlfriend all the best. 

[Shrimp Fried Life]

On 11/17/2016 at 8:09 AM, Pshore said:

..... after hearing her make a comment about no woman wanting a man with a small penis

I'm curious about this. She made this comment in front of you or you overheard it?

If she feels that way why is she with you? did you ask her? does she know you heard her comment?

[Pshore]

5 hours ago, lifelongvirgin said:

I'm curious about this. She made this comment in front of you or you overheard it?

If she feels that way why is she with you? did you ask her? does she know you heard her comment?

The comment was in a group setting where one of my friends was telling a story about a hookup with a guy with a small penis. It was very painful to endure all around. 

I never brought that specific conversation up. 

We have talked about size and my insecurities a lot. She has made it clear that my size doesn't matter because she loves me, and my penis doesn't define me. 

I think penis shaming has just become an acceptable part of common discourse. Women will say things like that because is considered funny, nad a socially acceptable minority to make fun of. I don't think most women would actually reject a man they liked for being small (in sure some would because mean people exist). 

[u.r.what.u.is]

That's excellent.  and a related point I've made many times here is that up toward the 5 inch area (length and girth), i think a lot of women are more than content, even prefer it over bigger, or at least over a lot bigger.

[Shrimp Fried Life]

On 11/19/2016 at 0:52 AM, Pshore said:

The comment was in a group setting where one of my friends was telling a story about a hookup with a guy with a small penis. It was very painful to endure all around. 

I never brought that specific conversation up. 

We have talked about size and my insecurities a lot. She has made it clear that my size doesn't matter because she loves me, and my penis doesn't define me. 

I think penis shaming has just become an acceptable part of common discourse. Women will say things like that because is considered funny, nad a socially acceptable minority to make fun of. I don't think most women would actually reject a man they liked for being small (in sure some would because mean people exist). 

I understand what you're saying but if it was me in that situation, if it was a woman I was thinking of dating that would be the end for me.

[ReduxRestored]

I recently cruised a net forum for professional hookers. There was a question thread what to do if a customer was totally freakin mungus big?? Almost all (literally!!) of the women on there had negatives.

The nightmare customer!!

Painful in every position!!

Like being punched in the cervix for 10 minutes!!

It may tear your pussy!!

Painful sex for a week afterwards!!

So on and so on. Some said they turned customers away for being very big!!

Im thinking that average 5-6 inch size is totally OK for 99% of chicks. The big peen talk is mostly their version of locker room chat. Its hot air.

 

 

 

[Pshore]

2 hours ago, lifelongvirgin said:

I understand what you're saying but if it was me in that situation, if it was a woman I was thinking of dating that would be the end for me.

But that is my point. I was terrified too, but I buried that shit deep in the corner of my brain and risked it for once in my life. 

Its the only way to get over that fear. I'm in my early 30's and thought I was destined to be alone until I just plain sacked up. 

[Shrimp Fried Life]

23 hours ago, Pshore said:

But that is my point. I was terrified too, but I buried that shit deep in the corner of my brain and risked it for once in my life. 

Its the only way to get over that fear. I'm in my early 30's and thought I was destined to be alone until I just plain sacked up. 

I don't really have that fear but if someone I was interested in uttered those words and I heard them then I just couldn't be with her. The thought had to enter her mind first in order for her to say it and that is what would bother me regardless of whether she meant it or not.

[Pshore]

On 11/21/2016 at 2:04 AM, lifelongvirgin said:

I don't really have that fear but if someone I was interested in uttered those words and I heard them then I just couldn't be with her. The thought had to enter her mind first in order for her to say it and that is what would bother me regardless of whether she meant it or not.

One thing it took me a long time to learn is that nothing is going to fit the mold I have in my mind. Her comment bothered me, and I wish she hadn't said it. The reality is that she did say it, and if I crossed her off my list for that one comment I wouldn't be getting married.

Nothing and no one is perfect. With our condition we have a huge hurtle to leap, so don't let the pebble trip you up.

It is never too late.

[YOTH]

Great comment, I'm really happy things have panned out for you. Congratulations on the marriage too. I've had my positive comments picked apart sometimes, but most guys who are negative are just hurting. Welcome anyway, I look forward to more posts. ☮