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I know this much is true


Tekka
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I'm honestly incredibly confused right now. My bodily urges to kill myself, these motions my body makes that I cannot stop seem to be growing stronger and I refuse to take obvious action. I'd rather go peacefully than by my mind hurling me into a semi on the highway.

I feel strange. I am not expressing anything, but even as I write with a straight face, my mind is screaming in pain. Not the same audible screams I already hear, but the Damned ones I cannot ignore. I force my mind to do other things, but it betrays me. I feel I have 4 minds, each splitting away, but being the same person.

It's hard to express the strange emotions I feel that have no name. I guess they're strange variants of Guilt.

Here is a song that expresses it well (for me), just like a sunny day does. Dejection and cracks in my eyes. link: 

Another that describes my confusion:

And my guilt, my favorite song:

Please reply, if you can. I'm going to regret this, like everything else I say here. it'll just be used against me, seeking attention.

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Hello, Tekka, I'm sorry you haven't received a reply yet :( . There's not much "trafic" here; there is just a few active members and we're often busy, plus living in different time zones...

But most of all, I'm sorry you're feeling so suicidal! :( I see your internal conflict. A part of you wants to finish it all right away, another part just wants peace, so refuses such a violent action. However; don't the two parts both want the same? They want your pain to stop, they want peace, liberation from the suffering. So there's "a common point" that could "recosiliate" them, isn't there? But suicide is necessarily a very violent, hurtful act and if the attempt ends in a hospital, the subsequent treatments and consequences make the life even more painful, at least physically. So... what is actually your yearning for death telling you? Isn't it an urge, just in disguise, to change your life for better? I know all the depressive and anxious feelings together with the feeling of guilt (which is a frequent if not ever-present symptom of depression, not based on actual guilt!!!) try to make you believe there's no reason for trying and no hope for succeeding :( . But those are just emotions, not an authority who can tell the truth from fake beliefs! You can observe them rather then give them the power to rule, to decide about your actions. I really wish you to succeed, to sustain this all and get better.

I'm sorry if you mentioned this before: Have you experiences with psychotherapy, psychiatry, or counselling? In any case, I would strongly recommend you to seek professional help. It can make a huge difference!

And in the moments when you feel suicidal, you have the option to call a suicide helpline or to go to the emergency room. Or; do you have somebody you can trust to go there with you? Or, at least, to talk with you for a while, sit with you?

Thanks for posting the songs, too! It's always good to find some art that expresses our feelings.

Thinking of you and wishing you well...

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I trust no one. I hope I said that explicitly. Death would allow me not to be manipulated, nor to manipulate.

 

I don't hurt much, but that's the only true part of myself. I fear happiness. It makes me forget, and that violates one of my only few morals, at least moderately. If I'm happy too often, I fear losing what I hold dear to me, the one thing I treasure: my history / wisdom.

I used to be fine, but after forgetting a year of my life over certain "life issues", not ever being able to trust ( I just waste people's time and resources, cause pain, and recieve it ), and not knowing who I was, I lost it. I couldn't help but to think this way.

Death will be the only escape. I burn and hiss at caring touches, for they are attempts to use me. I wither away from "friends", I cause people pain and pain only.

Unless I act my part, be a good little soldier, smile blankly. Unless I give myself motive to cause pain. Unless I become what I feared about myself: the cold, cruel, manipulative, abusive ass I am inside. The part that laughs and revels in others' pain. The part that wants to kill, jump in front of trains (and forces my muscles to twitch in order to), eat people's flesh, rape, destroy, consume. The part that is true.

I fear myself and everyone else. I'm being erased by everything, like I shouldn't even exist.

So I'll save energy by dying, and then not be able to harm or be hurt.

I will not be happy. I can't anymore. It's my mind trying to erase itself.

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