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I don't know what to title this


Truce
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I just know at this point that I need to die. I've known it for well over a year and attempted suicide numerous times in the past few years but now I know for sure. I just feel like the biggest moron ever for staying alive and trying so hard to fix things when I just kept on ruining things by accident. I ruined everything for my family, staying alive was so damn selfish of me. And everyone treats me as if I intend to be such a dumb screw-up and like I intend to make everyone I love look bad. It hurts. Everything hurts so bad. Having Aspergers I had a couple of 'special interests' that helped me cope but over the last year they've slowly slipped away from me because all my mental illnesses plus school stress made me lose interest completely, and I haven't been able to pick up anything else I care about. I only had one reason left to live for the past three months, only one thing that gave me any sense of comfort/confidence/stability in my life, and I lost it permanently this morning. So I've been in a complete shutdown all day and not for one single second have I stopped thinking about how much better it would be if I died. I have these thoughts most of the time, but now it's way too overwhelming and I just know I need to succeed this time. This is the most clear my head has been in so long and I don't know if that's meant to be scary or not.

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I'm sorry you're struggling and hurting so much, Truce. :( I hope you choose to stay safe. Can you reach out for help?

I'm not certain what kind of loss you might have experienced, but loss can be so deeply painful. :'( Sitting with you in this space.

Hold on, if you can, for a moment at a time. What do you think your needs are right now? We are here and listening. I hope tomorrow feels a bit brighter for you.

Sending you light and love.

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Sorry things are so tough, Truce. I know very well how difficult life can often be. I have alternated (and still do) between extreme bouts of suicidal depression and semi-stable discontent. One hope I can offer you is that the older I get, the less I give a damn about things generally. Sometimes that helps as long as I don't spend too much time in the past. 

I hope the pain lessens for you soon and I echo Beth's wishes.

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  • 6 months later...

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