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Okay so, I don't know why, for the past couple of years, I've, like, mentally praised myself when I go hours without eating (like 8 to 20 hours). Especially when I'm upset/sad. Food is completely unappealing & sometimes flat-out disgusting to me when I'm sad. 

(I have moderate to severe depression, mild social anxiety, & self harm problems, btw.)

I like the taste of food (most of the time)!! But, I choose to skip eating even though a part of me wants to eat & finds eating pleasurable, because this strong thought in my head is saying "let's see how long we can go without it". And I'm almost always pretty proud of myself when go without it for a while. Just several days ago, I looked up the weight I'm supposed to be for my sex, age, and height, and I found out that I'm supposed over twenty pounds more than my current weight. 

I recognize that this isn't good AT ALL. Why the heck do I do this? Why do I think weird things like this?? It's just.. I look around the kitchen and at the food and I either think that it's not at all appealing or I should try to go as long as I can without it
 
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Hello, welcome! :)

I think we cannot answer your specific questions, but I hope we can help to to think about the problem and find some new, helpful directions.

23 hours ago, justanotherperson said:

I looked up the weight I'm supposed to be [...] and I found out that I'm supposed over twenty pounds more than my current weight. 

I cannot know if you're too skinny and if it's somehow dangerous for you, but having 20 pounds less then the BMI scale indicates as "normal" can be, in many cases, still perfectly OK. The weight isn't that important. In the "weight area", the ratio of fat, muscle, bone, ... mass is much more important. But even more importantly, your intake of vitamins, essential fatty acids, fibre, protein, ... and the overall "appropriateness" of your diet indicates if you have or may develop a problem. 

23 hours ago, justanotherperson said:

I go hours without eating like 8 to 20 hours

This, too, isn't incompatible with healthy living. What's essential, is what and how much you eat. There are serious people who recommend not eating often (they say even once a day may be OK, even more healthy than 5 times a day). I think it depends much on the condition of each person - some need more smaller portions more frequently, some may eat once a day and be fine. (You can research this, of course. I don't have time now to find and post links to articles and I don't recommend you to just believe me ;) - people write a lot of BS on the web...)

Is there a correlation between the onset of (or any change in) your depression (and/or other mental problems) and the start of this behaviour? Because, as you surely know, depression often influence the appetite and/or the ability to enjoy meals. So this might be "one of the symptoms of your known disorders".

But I don't write this all to persuade you that you don't have a problem with food and that it's good for you to keep doing what you do! I just want to show you that these things you mentioned aren't "proofs of a problem or an actual risk", so you shouldn't be too anxious because of them or start to obsess around them. I would rather see them as signes that turned your attention to a "weird" behaviour and thoughts you don't understand and you consider "not beneficial" (to say the least). So... to figure out what's going on, you may try, for instance, begin with this question:

23 hours ago, justanotherperson said:

I either think that it's not at all appealing or I should try to go as long as I can without it

What reasons are hidden behind this "should"?

BTW; are you in therapy (or counselling)? If yes, have you told your therapist about this?

Good luck!

 

 

Edited by LaLa
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Welcome to the community. Do you think the struggle you are having with food is about food itself or could it possibly be about the behavior? What purpose do you think withholding food from yourself might serve? 

I also wonder if you have consulted a doctor and/or therapist about your concerns. I have two daughters who both struggle with eating and weight issues, though for very different reasons. It can be a challenging issue. I wish you well.

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