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Feeling not good enough for my best friend


PintoSampaio
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Hello.

I've found myself in a situation I don't know how to deal with. First of all, I have to write something more about my personality. I'm a guy, 22 years old. I'm very introverted person and rather shy. I don't talk much, I don't feel comfortable in a group of people; I'm socially awkward. I prefer spending time indoors in activities such as: watching a movie, reading, getting to know things, listening to music, playing video games, browsing the Internet, sometimes drawing or watching football. But most of all, thinking about basically everything - both mundane and very deep, philosophical things. I know my value, I know I am a good person. Helpful, listening, honest, kind, (however now I sound pretty selfish :P) caring, sensitive, etc. I'm able to live with people, just very little of them. I don't think there's something seriously wrong with me. I am happy with my life - I love my way of living. Yet, I have never really had any friends. Not to mention being in love.

About a year I've met my (now) best friend. First and only special person in my life. She's very similar to me (she has a real, deep soul) but less awkward, shy; more brave, funny and a bit outgoing. We trust each other completely, we spend a lot of time together (only 2 of us), mostly talking about everything. We just love being together, no matter where, when or what we are doing. We're basically true soulmates. Of course, we have had our ups and downs. If we have believed that such thing could be said about best friend (not lover), we could say that we truly love each other. She says I'm the most important person in her life (excluding her family, of course) and I'm everything she would need from another human being. Even being together in silence makes her feel good and happy.

But even though we are so very close to each other, I sometimes feel that I'm not the best friend I would like to be. Because I'm unable to be. Even though she says I'm someone extremely special, I feel that, because of my social awkwardness, my shyness and way of living, I couldn't give her any great fun or give her amazing memories that she would remember for years. And even though I know (with my brain) I can trust her completely and I believe that we will be best friends for many, many years, I feel (with heart) that she deserves someone better. More funny, outgoing, unusual. When she says she's going to the movies with other friend, I feel jealousy. And fear of being rejected. My brain knows it will never happen, but my heart is scared.

I don't know what to do. It used to be much worse in the past. Now, as we've been best friends for over a year, such feelings come to me very seldom, but it still happens. And then I feel that I have nothing really interesting or impressive to tell her, to give her. That I take too much and have nothing special to offer.

Sorry for the long post. I don't know if you can help me. I just want to be the best friend she would ever have. I want her to be happy. Maybe it sounds weird, but... I know I'm enough, but these feelings... they keep coming back.

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Hello, Pinto, welcome! :) 

I'm a big fan of "The school of life" and I happen to think of some of their videos when reading your post. I hope you won't mind if I use several of them in my reaction ;) .

But first of all: I hear you. You're a very good friend and want to be even better, because you think your friend "deserves it". It's natural to want the best for those we love (-as friends, family, partners, ...). But there are limits to what we can offer and we should be able to recognize them and not to hate ourselves because of "not crossing them". 

When you try to think more about the reasons of your feelings, what do you see "underneath" them? One of the possibilities that can naturally come to mind is fear of rejection, fear of not being enough (although you say "I know I'm enough, but" - there's still the "but"!). Revealing your "weird / uncommon" parts / characteristics means exposing your vulnerability to her. You seem OK with it, but at the same time, you're feeling unwell, even jealous of some other people, so... perhaps it means you still feel uneasy to "be totally vulnerable around her", because you fear she'll reject you or / and thus hurt you.

Well, here are those videos I mentioned (I encourage you to seek more ;) ) :

You certainly don't sound boring - and why would you want "more"? Wouldn't you risk not to be yourself anymore? Wouldn't you risk to become over-friendly?

Yes, one of the purposes of friendship is also "having fun":

But you obviously do have fun with your friend! You're unique, you give her another kind of fun than her other friends. There's no reason to be jealous that she also has other friends - it's only better for her to have some diversity; it doesn't, in any sense, diminish your importance. I think you look at it from your perspective of a person who doesn't need and want more than one good friend: You probably consider natural to have just one if that one "gives you everything you need" and so you conclude that there's something wrong with you as you "don't give your friend everything she needs". But... this sound as if you idealised relationships and their "abilities" - as it's so very commun to do. This video shows our unrealistic expectations in the context of love, but it seems to me it can usefully tell you a lot about friendship, too:

In your case, you don't focus on your expectations from your friend, but on her presumed expectations from/about you, but it's similarly wrong and potentially dangerous for your relationship. She likes you the way you are (she has no reason to lie to you about it), she wants you to be her friend and doesn't ask for all the changes you seem to want to do for her (but at the same time know you're probably not able to do, so you're disappointed in yourself and worried). So everything's fine, but you're risking to spoil it by your insecurities, fears, unrealistic expectations, jealousy, ... Why?

One more video - about love, but... "works for" friendship, too ;) :

 Good luck!

 

 

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Welcome, Pinto. I think when we have an intimate relationship with someone, it can bring out some old fears. We're vulnerable and our awareness of this can be frightening in and of itself. We may experience patterns of relating and coping that we learned from our very first relationships with our caregivers. Attachment style insecurities may surface too during times of stress.

It sounds like you have good awareness of your feelings and you also have an encouraging voice, which I think is positive. It sounds as if you could be growing too into a healthier space and to know that you are okay just as you are, but sometimes feelings of inadequacy can resurface (that happens to me too sometimes). Maybe, if you can, try to have awareness of your inner voice and self doubts without adhering to the feelings? This can offer a space too to learn to listen and care for yourself. Some part of you feels self-doubt, how can you care for this part of you now?

We can't control another person's choices and behaviors or the outcomes, I don't think, but we can care for ourselves through it. And one day, with self care and self nurturing, it can become easier (and even feel freeing) to let go and trust what will happen will and we'll still be.

Just some of my personal thoughts, Pinto. I hear you that is difficult. :(

I wish you well. Take care.

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