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I feel lost and done


Au1575
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A few months ago i experienced pocd was bad. From the year of 2015 i was depressed and low sex drive but i cant get aroused by any other girls. I can get aroused by couple which annoys me i get romantic fantasies of beautiful girls but no sexual excitement to masterbate to. A month ago out of nowhere i experienced one of the worst depression episodes of guilt probably pocd a memory and i felt so plagued and cant move on the guilt was to much. Then fantasies of underage girls 12 or 13 the 13 year old lookrd older then tried checking if i could get aroused if i did i felt guilt like my mind cant stop sending signals of guilt. Then horrible thoughts about myself for having such horrible thoughts. Yesterday i realized something bad i had arousing and guilt fantasy of friend which i cant stop sexually fantasizing about since middle school and i had a porn addiction. Then i realized i had a fetish of her having a vertain face structure skin color and hair color and long hair. Then got guilty i remember my first fantasy of her in 6th grade having those features then felt horrible guilt and didnt realize what a pervert i could be. But i also had a fetish like that when i was 13 and half then mind thought what if that fetish was her as a 11 year old. I tried checking to see if i was aroused by fantasies of her as 11 or 12 or 13 or 14 year old but did not. The fetish occurs randomly either when i think of her as older when i need to masterbate then this pops up in mind without urges popping first. This fetish barely comes by a lot. I also had a fetish of thinking her smiling from when she was 12 then thought am i aroused by her as a 12 year old. I also had a fetish for another friend with ponytail and body as a 12 year old that barely or never comes up anymore. When i was 15 a couple of times i may have masterbated to underage fantasy without realizing the age or details i was just a crazy kid who needed to masterbate. Now i wonder if im a pedophile and i feel lost to the ppint i dont care anymore and i truly think if i am nothing is reversible. I also wonder why not very often could i masterbate or enjoy to other beatiful women this only happens when i watch porn videos or think about my close friends that are girls around my age. For example if i was 12 she was 12 if i was 15 she was 14 or 15. I also have a huge sexual addiction to my teachers i had. I had guilt for having a fantasy of 15 and half year old or a 16 year old combining the same scenario as my teacher them mind thought pedo then i said it was bad but 15 and half its not the worst. I meant it was bad but not the worst. I was also addicted to a porn video which opened a big role of the sexual fantasies i had over the years and fetishes. Now i feel like it is not pocd or just much worse than what it could or not. I have high morals and emphativ at times so im not sure if im a perevert with guilt feelings or guilt and no arousal anymore or past guilt not sure or no more arousal after realizing what this could be not sure.

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Hello, Au, welcome! :) 

I hear your worries and I see it can be complicated and confusing. But there are some facts that should calm you down, I hope: A pedophile is a person attracted to children, so to persons who don't look mature. And yes; it can be very bad if an adult is seducing a minor teenager (although she looks mature) - but that's because of emotional and other psychological reasons (such a relationship has most often very bad consequences for the minor). But what you describe is, if I got it right, basically being attracted to girls either your age or a bit younger, all of them looking already (more or less) mature. I don't see anything "perverted" about it. But the obsessions bother you a lot, so I wonder if you talked about them with your psychologist or psychiatrist (I hope you're in treatment for your depression and pocd!). It can be an "embarrassing" topic, I know, but... there's no need to fear being seen as pedophile, you just probably need some help with obsessive thinking and over-worrying. What do you think?

Good luck!

 

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I'm sorry it sounded like that to you :( . I'm also sorry that's the only thing in my post that seemed relevant to you (or at least relevant enough to react to it)...

It's also possible that I misunderstood your descriptions. But even in that case, I don't think it would be possible to conclude that you're a pedophile. May I ask what's your age? You may just like girls close to your age and that's perfectly normal.

But even tough I doubt this concerns you, I'm also going to give you some info about pedophilia: There are people attracted to children, who are also attracted to adults and who can lead a normal life in relationships with adults and never "act out" any of their sexual feelings for children. And yes, there are also pedophiles who are miserable and depressed :( because they're disgusted by their "preference", although they are sure they would never "touch" a child. And some of such so called virtuous pedophiles were able to understand and accept their "condition" so that they can live a relatively normal life = not full of self-hatred etc. You can find many of their stories here, and you can also contact this organisation of you feel like we don't understand you well here and they would be probably able to give you a much better feedback and explanations about your particular situation: http://virped.org

 

 

 

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And wouldn't be having just romantic fantasies better for you? It seems, from what you wrote before, that a lot of your distress is linked precisely to sexual feelings etc., so why to seek them when you could be just fine with romantic fantasies? Those can be pretty pleasant, can't they? And don't bring any guilt and confusion...

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18 hours ago, Au1575 said:

i want sexual feelings for the other older girls

I see; it's pleasant, of course. Suggesting you to "give it up" sounds like grudging or thinking "you don't deserve it". But it's not the case. The point is that life often forces us to make choices between pleasant feelings - more precisely instant gratification - and a rational behaviour that's much better for us, mainly in the long term, but isn't so pleasant, doesn't bring such strong nice feelings for some moments.

This seems to be one of such choices. My first and main thought: Any video cannot bring what love "IRL" can. You deserve more; you deserve these feelings in a real relationship. Yes, it may come only in months or years and waiting can be a struggle. But your imagination might help you with it in a less dangerous (/unpleasant in the long term, anxiety-inducing) way that those videos. And if it doesn't work, then you're quite lucky: You don't need sexual feeling as much as some other people who can be aroused just by "some light thoughts". So it should be much less difficult for you to get rid of that... addiction or almost-addiction (or perhaps: obsession?).

18 hours ago, Au1575 said:

i know it makes me worried it will always be like that

It won't be always like that. People do change! And we can contribute to our change - we, including you. If you keep doing what's wrong for you, you only "stall" it.

P.S.: I hope you don't mind I moved this topic in this sub-forum. It seems more appropriate to me based on the main subjects of our posts here.

Edited by LaLa
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