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Conflicted and proud


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So I've had a self harm  problem since I was 14 or 15.I was hospitalized  several times.which other than the first time I was there  I self injured everytime by cutting or hitting myself against something.sometimes I hit myself with a fist.

Lately it's all been coming to a head cause my  mom has been threatening to let the hospital find placement for me.she doesn't believe I want to live with my family which is untrue but she doesn't understand about this addiction I have to hurting myself.I used to want to die but I've come to terms with that cause I figure though I don't want to feel the pain of my parents death and may think of dissappearing.I know even i wouldn't want to live to be 100.to watch everyone pass me by and die.it would be to hard.it would be selfish to want them here forever. So I decided to stick by there side cause I don't know when they'll dissappear. And after that maybe I'll figure out how to get out of here or maybe that'll encourage me to stay for my siblings.

I caused third degree burns last night though on my hand.when mom caught me I thought she'd leave right then. Instead she just talked and I couldn't answer.I've never been able to say what words are on my mind. 

But I did do something good today though now the addict in me wants to undo it.two days ago I bought motion sickness pills to harm myself online.I was talking to a friend and telling her why then I looked on here and read a previous discussion I had with someone and the words popped out break the cycle.so I texted my casemanager and  told her what I'd done.shell get back to me soon I hope.feel conflicted and proud.

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