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Poem about how i feel


passionfruit3
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I didn't win the poetry contest.but glad the pressure is over

Still burning my hand almost like its part of the stove. Wish i could stop calling myself an addict and instead call myself clean.but i always dissapoint everyone.now i can go back and hide back in that hole and scream cause no will hear me or my pain.good cause i dont want to be noticed.the scars are shy.the blisters hide. And the outside is proud that i will never rise again.for if i did id surely break and it would be an inconvenience for them to fix me again and place me back into that hole.the only friends i have are bats waiting for me to weaken enough so they can eat me.its a better death. Than being eaten by the world.

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May I add some subjectif interpretations?

19 hours ago, passionfruit3 said:

i always dissapoint everyone

This belief makes it a bit easier: There's no pressure to really try and change, because you believe in advance you've been "always like this and always will be". Getting better is impossible, therefore you don't have to blame yourself for not succeeding and don't have to be disappointed. You're in pain, but it's a familiar pain, not some new, unpredictable and unexperienced problems. This preference for familiarity, familiar ways of suffering, seems to be reflected here (friends versus unknown, scary world):

20 hours ago, passionfruit3 said:

the only friends i have [...] can eat me. it's a better death. Than being eaten by the world

You also say:

19 hours ago, passionfruit3 said:

good cause i dont want to be noticed.

Could it be that you only don't want to be noticed because of fear of being hurt by the reaction by others, or, rather, by the lack of their appropriate reaction? I imagine that you actually really seek to be noticed, but also understood, cared for, helped. But at the same time, you tell yourself you don't want it, because you fear (due to past bad experiences) it's unachievable. This fear of bad reactins seems also be hidden in this line:

19 hours ago, passionfruit3 said:

the only friends i have are bats waiting for me to weaken enough so they can eat me.

I think if you didn't want to be noticed, you wouldn't post here or anywhere else. But you do and it's very good! You need to learn to express yourself and to articulate your needs and issues, you need to become less "shy" and express yourself also to some people "in real life". I believe that better communication will allow to some of them be nicer and more helpful to you. If not your family, then at least the professionals who try to help you. And also; yourself; it's important to strive to know oneself better...  

I hope I didn't upset you with my comments! I made them to try to help you; to possibly give you some new insights and/or a feeling of being understood or, at least, that there are people who care to understand you better and try.

 

 

 

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You didn't make me upset and I will comment on what you said in each section.

Apart of me wants to change but lately I've felt like if I do I'll be abandoned there really will be no more help for me.for me living in a dark house alone is scary even now with just me and my brother i feel afraid .I also feel like I can't detach from my parents cause mom and dad might pass away and i need to be there for them it's harder because they don't want to go together but with all my siblings gone there the only family I have left.I'm stuck in the past of when I felt i had to choose between my parents cause I didn't feel I could love one over the other.always wondering if they'd get a divorce and what that meant but none of that happened.they sometimes left which scared me how long once but always came back.it was confusing growing up.and they only stopped and stayed cause of me cause I'm weak.

I don't want to be noticed cause it does no good.no matter how loud i yell kick or scream.I'll just be seen as the problem child.or in my family the burden.I can't take care of myself with my disability my caseworker seems to think I'll grow out of it but I've had trouble with conversion disorder since i was 14 and no one seems to get im not faking it.not even my parents .they say things like dont claim it and it wont be that way or what are you stressing about even though its not always about stress sometimes i simply get tired and can't stand to walk anymore.I've even got rude comments from professionals saying they believe I can walk or to unconvert my symptoms.I know the disorder i have but I can't always control it.sometimes I can bring on an episode but I can't decide how long it'll stay that way

At the hospital when I've hurt myself my parents have come to see me less and less they were there in the beginning but I tend to have this crazy amount of energy in ers and hospitals and I tend not to cooperate.it's made the staff impatient and the security officers into wastards . I don't like it there i try not to go but I go through these crazy attempts to hurt myself and I end up there by ambulance or sometimes my parents won't take me so I'll walk.this is usually out of fear.and after I feel stupid cause it was usually  turns out to be a weak atempt.

My biggest thing problem is words I agree.it's almost like in stressful highs i don't have them.I'm told to ask for a prn when I get agitated which is risperadol as needed I took it twice.and then one night had a bad night and I figured they didn't work so I stopped asking mom for them.if I spoke up she could help but it would come out in away that with was off topic and Iast therapist I had awhile back wrote her a letter expressing I wanted help she read it and totally missed the meaning of what I was saying.

In hospitals it's all claw and climb rather than  bark and meow. I tend to  be a bit wild climbing on things and self harming in anyway possible.I rarely come out of my room cause I'm frightened of patients and I've often been placed on the unit for the worst of the worst were they have little patience and drug everyone up to there eyeballs with injectable meds who won't take it by mouth.it's not fun.for me it's not always the pain that gets me.it's how much they load you full of and all they tell you is its just the meds.

Its sort of why I don't trust professionals.I've had a lot of stuff happen under those so called professionals.even with psychiatrist. Remember that last line in the poem I'd rather be eaten by bats than this world well it's the truth.cause bats are easy not to not hate.they did it cause they were hungry they don't live by the morals and values we have they can't understand right and wrong therefore it would be a lot easier to forgive them.

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Thank you for all your explanations and comments!

It's so very sad and annoying that health professionals are "also only human", so there are so many "not good enough" people among them, plus the health care system is far from perfect and as a result, some people experience neglect, mistreatment, ... :( Perhaps the only way to get better is to search for a much better person - for a professional who knows better, who's dedicated to treat special cases as you seem to be, ... There certainly are such people (for instance, in the field of neurology there was Dr. Oliver Sacks). I wish you to find one soon...

BTW; you're able to write about yourself better and better, it seems to me, judging by your posts here :) . Or, perhaps, you're getting more used to it, more comfortable and can achieve it better.

I don't have time now, but I'll get to your post later and will try to be helpful, if possible ;) .

Take care!

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