My life is a whirlwind

[bumble]

Hello. I don't really know where to start. I guess I'll apologize right off the bat for this coming out jumbled if it does. I feel very scattered, or I have felt this way for a couple of months now. Currently I'm a girl attending college in Ohio. Since I was in the fourth grade I've suffered from pretty severe anxiety. I think this anxiety was amplified because my family moved so often. I've attended at least 10 different schools and lived in 4 different states over the years. The moving was due to my Dad's ambition to climb the corporate latter. Though, despite having issues for so long I've only recently been diagnosed with both GAD and depression.  I feel like i'm really broken right now and I'm really not sure who I can turn to at this point.

Over the summer my dad was infected with a life threatening illness. Thankfully he's alive, but the illness has left him paralyzed. He's currently living in Florida with my mother and my little sister. My two younger brothers are living with other family members because the apartment my parents are living in now is too tiny to house all of them. My father is a business man, and was the breadwinner for our family. Now he is unable to move his lower body and just yesterday went to the hospital again for another seizure. My mother is scared and is doing all she can to help out. Considering the situation he's in my dad is an incredible human being. He continually works to find a job and has been more patient and kind than I've ever seen him, so that's a huge blessing. 

My boyfriend is a sweet and artistic soul who seems to be struggling a lot right now. He's an extremely talented, artist, musician, and writer. His mother, the parent he was closest to, died in his junior year of high school. He's told me that he believes he's had depression even before her passing. But, her death I think has and still is weighing heavily on him, and his relationship with his family, though ultimately loving, is strained. I've encouraged him to go see a counselor and he is. But, he's highly avoidant (like me) and seems to struggle setting boundaries with people (also like me) and has missed two appointments so far because of other commitments or exhaustion. 

And then there's me. I'm not really sure what I want anymore. I just know that I feel wrong. I worry all the time and I feel bad to admit it, but I worry so much about how others perceive me. I have really low self esteem. I've tried to make friends, but I usually end up pushing them away some how, or I guess I just struggle being fully authentic with people. I think I hide the real me behind a soft spoken, kind, and optimistic girl who's a bit of a baby.  I'm shirking my responsibilities and have lost many if not all my friends simply because I stopped reaching out and the connection was never that strong to begin with. And, this is a repeating cycle that has happened with many of the people I've encountered thus far in my life. I don't think they even know what happened, I think I kind of just faded away. That tears me up a little, or it did for a long time. Lately, I've been terrified of this numbness, or apathy i've been feeling.

I feel really ashamed of who I am. I think I'm broken. What's worse is I'm trying to cling on my boyfriend when he needs me to be strong for him. Sometimes, and I know this sounds really self centered,it is but, I feel as if he doesn't love me for me. It feels like he loves all my good qualities but doesn't really know how to deal with my broken parts. I know he's sad and so overwhelmed with his own problems I can't expect him to bear mine. I don't blame him for that usually. However, when I'm really low, I do tend to get upset with him, but I try my best to keep it internal and talk myself out of it. Though, sometimes I wonder if I should just end the relationship? I don't think either of us are mentally healthy. It's really starting to wear on me.

I feel easily ashamed of my own feelings and I'm very self critical. My emotions have been reeling from anger, sadness, to feeling perfectly normal. I've been apprehensive to post because writing these types of things out always feels like I may be misinterpreted or judged. But, I'm really at a low point right now and I'm finding myself just wanting some outside input. I don't really know what it is I can be helped with though. I just feel like I'm in a fog. 

Thanks for your time. It's greatly appreciated.

[Victimorthecrime]

Hi bumble, thanks for sharing that. It was very well written, you really conveyed what you are going through.  

My father had his first heart attack while I was in college many years ago & it was (and still is) very upsetting.  At the time I could not believe my life and my bad luck. What I now know is this is how life is. Breakdowns are everywhere - people, relationships, jobs - all breakdown with astonishing regularity. 

Here is my advice: after the semester go see your dad, spend time w him sans phone.  Everything you have is because your dad worked his ass off. Make sure he sees that you are a strong and successful young woman and that you acknowledge & appreciate his role in making that happen.  

[IrmaJean]

Welcome, Bumble. 

It's painful feeling broken, but I think too this can often be part of the human experience. I have felt that there is great beauty in our vulnerability. I don't think that any of us are perfect beings, and this is something that we all share. I hope you are able to work toward being gentle and compassionate with yourself. I hear you that this can be challenging.

I'm sorry about your father. I hope too that you are able to spend some time together with him. I wish him healing.

Have you and your boyfriend considered couples' counseling? Maybe it could help you grow together through this difficult time... You seem very self aware and open about what you're feeling and struggling withand that is beneficial.

We're here and listening, bumble.