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What a night


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I just got out of the er this morning but what a night it was.

Around 6 o'clock I ingested borax like roach powder.I told my mom who dropped me off at the hospital and went home.the er was kind of packed but they checked me in.a social worker comes out and says we are not going to see you in the hospital tonight you have an outpatient group in the morning. I told her I want to see the doctor. And she says your not gonna see a doctor.you need to go home.your eyes don't look like you swallowed it. She says she has to see another patient and leave.it sit for a little bit by now it's like 7 i start walking towards target store a half hour away I'm crying as I'm going at one point I even think  of facing my fear and crossing the overpass but I don't I go to target call my mom who is furious upon picking me up at 8 o'clock at night after I break down and tell her what happened .my mom brings me back to the er and she comes with me this time they check me and they look at why the social worker said that but there's no record of it apparently.my mom says she is angry and will make a complaint.the rest of the night runs smoothly till mom leaves and I suddenly have this urge to kick the bed.my conversion disorder is acting up so I can't move so I just kick it repeatedly. Just before the nurse comes to move me i sit on top of the head of the bed I get down so he can move me.there are security gaurds when I'm moved.there are security gaurds watching me.i keep having an urge to kick the bed.then suddenly I sit on it.they pull me down and put it all the way down so I don't sit on it.then I try and bite a chord I don't bite it hard cause 1000 volts through your body is a painful way to die i am just testing to see if I really want to but security stops me.i then took a chair and placed it on the gurney to try and sit and fall backwards.so they took that.finally I started eating and swallowing plastic.they gave me zyprexa shot.I'm so out of it still this is what is usually me at the er only it was made worse cause I had none of my nighttime meds and so I was allowed to go home in the morning. Don't know if I made the right decision saying no to being admited?

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Passionfruit, have you ever had a full psychiatric evaluation from a qualified professional? Have you ever had inpatient treatment? I wonder if a more controlled environment might be helpful, possibly your parents could have some help setting up your home to be a safer place for you. What do your days look like? Is there any structure involved? Do you participate in any activities that you enjoy? School? Work?

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A long time ago 15 or 16 but I was also supposed to see a neuropsychologist and my parents never took me.i also don't what the results for that were.mom has everything and I'm not supposed to look at it though she says I can request and buy records myself.

My parents don't get along they don't agree on anything they call eachother roommates not sure why there still together other than money and my siblings sacking them dry for therapy rent and college.I know that sounds terrible but it's the truth.there's no thing as structure.anytime the subject of moving comes out my mom gets upset and starts blaming other people she's even told me you can live with me forever.ironically my dad says the same thing.I do want a life of my own I just lack confidence and I'm scared.I haven't figured out everything due to my disability I might need someone around.there might be days I can't work or need help. My older sister said most jobs  won't take someone like me.though I've learned it's possible to get one with the state.

I get nervous about overcomplicated things so I've tried school and cause it was more talk both classes and less hands on it didn't work.i didn't realize that was the issue till recently so it's possible to go back to school if I take a hands on class of sorts.if I don't lose motivation as well and end up in er.as for jobs it's best to wait I think I've got more chance at college before if I should drop out they will send me to a different school further away then I can just call myself a failure and quit.but it's worth a shot.

See by talking to you you have helped me solve a big problem thank you?

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