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I feel completely Disgusting.


Catti
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I either have a form of body dysmorphia or everyone's lying to me. I'm not sure which one scares me the most. 

Here's a bit of background: I am a boy, I wear minimal makeup to cover my acne and I am about to go into high school. Also, I hate myself.

When ever someone compliments me, I feel a weird mix of emotions that I can't exactly describe. At first, Its a sudden rush of joy. Almost like a, "wow, maybe I'm not so bad after all?" This sugar high of happiness only lasts for a few minutes though, because there's always the lingering feeling that they are wrong, that I'm not good enough for their praise. 

Sometimes when this happens, I feel increasingly worse and worse to the point when I feel like I have to through up. I become paranoid that everyone's in on this big Inside joke about me, and that they all gossip about me behind my back, that they all secretly hate me.
I try to tell myself that I'm wrong, but I can't seem to stop this knee jerk reaction of self loathing that happens whenever someone compliments me. Its like this, when someone says that I have a great complexion, I know they've noticed how cakey my foundation is. Or Whenever someone says that they like my hair, I just know  that they wouldn't have said that if it didn't look bad. I feel like everyone's backhandedly complimenting me and that they all think that I'm ugly and stupid and not worth it. 

If they did, I wouldn't disagree. I think I look disgusting. I'm just a bad person. I don't mean that I'm a person that dose bad things, but I am genuinely bad at being a human being. Everyone else I know is able to handle things like this, able to cope with there bad qualities. I just think that I have too many bad quality to make up for my few good ones. 

The few people that know that I feel bad tell me that I'm too hard on myself. They say that no one else is judging me. But I can't agree with that. I judge everyone and I mean everyone. I tally up their flaws and there facial structure to see if I look worse then them. Even if it makes me feel better temporarily, It just makes me feel worse in the end, because I know that it's such a horrible thing to do. And also, if I judge other people like this, who's to say that they don't do the same? 

Thank you for helping me out with this and I'm sorry that it's so long. I've been waiting for far too long to let this out, and I can't bear to tell anyone I actually know about this. 

I really need someone to talk to about this. Again, thank you so much. 

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Welcome, Catti. It can be difficult to accept compliments when this goes against beliefs we already have about ourselves. :( I can recall in the past feeling very conflicted and uncomfortable whenever someone offered me a compliment. Maybe it helps to work on your relationship with yourself and how you feel about yourself?

I think too that others are often coping with their own stuff and so aren't judging us as much as we might fear, but even if they were, this isn't something we can control. I try to balance my emotions with rational thoughts such as this. It doesn't always stop difficult feelings, but I have found that the more I talk to myself this way, the more I am able to be less reactive to situations. Maybe when you are able to feel more accepting of yourself, you won't feel as much anxiety around this? I understand this isn't easy. :(

No worries about the length of your posts...write as much as you need. I hope you feel better.

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Sounds an all too common case of projection making perception. I project my insecurities out into the world and then pecieve them as real and tangible. And you're not wrong to an extent, people do judge others harshly based on psychical attributes, we know because we do it too. It's something built in to our fight or flight I think personally. But even when you do judge your friends it doesn't change how you feel about them, they're still your mates. The only real solution to the whole problem is to stand in the mirror and look at yourself, really look at the person in the reflection. He's been through enough shit to last a life time and he deserves to be happy and at peace. Fist bump the guy in the mirror and get his back. Even If the whole world is against you (which for the most part it's not, it just seems that way when you're against yourself) still have your own back. If you respect the guy you see looking back and find it in yourself to love him you'll start to (slowly) come out the other side. And maybe try and turn your OCD into a positive, get obsessive about not being your own worst enemy. I did that with ADHD, they always told me I was annoying how I'd flit from one thing to another, but apply that to music (guitar) and it keeps my music fresh rather than stagnant like so many guitarists I play with. It won't always work and you'll have dark days/weeks but if you remember about yourself and always eventually put yourself first you'll come out the other side. I don't know if your religious or not but giving our problems to a higher power for reinterpretation is always helpful. Even if you're a staunch atheist, give your problems over to your confident side, the part of you that knows his potential, and it has the exact same effect. Anyway, take it easy and have a good week ☮

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