Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Mental stress from childhood


Grief
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi,

First I want to say that I am sorry for my bad english. 

I don't know why I am writing this but hopefully it will save some other boys and men. I am a man in my middle 30's and I have had a very good childhood and family. When I was about 6-7 years old I noticed that I had a smaller penis and scrotum than other boys in my age, from then I was always worried if I ever can get normal size of the genitals. I had tight foreskin and when I was about 10 years old the school doctor sayd that I have to do exercises to get it looser. From when I was 10 years old I didn't show me nude anymore because of my genital size. I exercised the foreskin and it gave results. I don't know if my mother was worried if the foreskin was ok or if she was worried about my genital size but she asked her friend (a woman in same age as my mother) to come over and have a look at my penis which I remember was an awful thing, when I had to show my little penis to her. Maybe 1 or 2 years after that I was outdoor playing with some friends. Then a man came to us (the man was my mother's friend's husband who had seen my penis) and said that we are on his property and we have no permission to be there, at the same time he said something about my small penis so that my friends heard it. First I thought that how can he know that I have a small penis but later I knew that my mother's friend had told him after seing me. When I was 12 we had to take a shower after sport in school, and then I had to show me nude, after that I was bullied because of my small penis. I told my parents and then they talked to the sport teacher that I didn't want to take showers anymore, and the teacher accepted that, so I didnt' take showers anymore after that. The teacher maked sure that I shouldn't be bullied anymore, and I wasn't. When I was 15 years old I heard when two adult men talked about a man who had been dead for 40 years, they said that he had a small penis and was laughing. The dead man was an alcoholic and didn't have a wife, and I know that he tried to kill himself when he was younger, but didn't. I have also heard that he took his life later but I don't know if that is true. So my small penis comlex became worse and worse. I am about 6 feet tall and quite muscular with much body hair and I know that if I didn't have this small penis complex I probably would have a wife and children today. Many girls has been interested but I can't bee with a woman, it is a lock in my head. I am always thinking that later when she see me nude she will laught at me or will leave because of my small penis and scrotum, it would destroy me totally. I have never been with a woman, one time when I was drunk i was dancing and kissing a woman. I have a very small scrotum ( sometimes the scrotum is not visible at all) and small flaccid penis and when it is erect it is little more than 5 inch long and 4 inch in circumference, but it is working.

I am a hsp (highly sensitive person), so this situatione is probably even worse for me than for somebody who isn't a hsp

I don't know how many times the school doctor has seen my genitals but did nothing. I had probobly something with the hormons and now when it is so easy to read about that on the internet it is a shame that the doctor's did nothing. Last time when a school doctor saw me was when I was 14. I didn't know that it was possible to receive hormons then because I had not the internet. Why didn't I receive testosteron or something, that question I have asked me many times. 

I have been very depressed in my life and it has become worse and worse. The suicide thougts has became very strong and I don't know how this will end. I know that my sister's and their children and my parent's would go under if I killed myself. But i have noticed that when I am at the lowest point the thought's of my family if I kill myself is disappearing.

Life is hard

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like you've had a really hard time, thanks for sharing. It's not an easy thing to put up with, but it does get easier. You haven't got a micropenis, it's just small flaccid by the sounds of it, which is know from experience is a nightmare, but statistically you're of average size (I know that doesn't help much) but it is true. Anyway, you're among friends here, keep posting ☮

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Grief, I have a very small scrotum as  well. It's tiny, with tiny testicles. And my penis is only about 4.5 inches erect so you've got me beat there. I know what you mean about depression. I deal with it everyday. This is such a cliche, but it's true....I just try to get through each day, one at a time. I've a pretty miserable life, but I try to find happiness in the little things....watching sport, my cat, music...Music is big for me. I come home lots of days from work, strip down to my underwear, put on some music i like and just sing along. I've thought about getting testosterone shots, but from what I've read they have their advantages and disadvantages, plus I'm not sure I could afford it. Just hang in there pal, you are not alone. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your kind support!

The hormone treatment has to be given when a baby is less than 6 months or in the puberty. It is unfortunately to late after puberty.

I forgot to write that from when I was maybe 6 years old, I had very hard breathing most of the time. I have been many times to doctors in my life for that reason. They have checked my oxygen levels which was ok but no doctor has suspect that it was anxiety or panic anxiety, very unprofessional. When I was 30 years old, I went to a physical trainer for that reason. She checked and measure my chest and it was ok. She asked me if I have ever been near drowning or some other horror when I was a child, and then I said that one time when I was 5-6 years old (I couldn't swim then) I fell in deep water with head under water, and I remember how I was screaming under water. My older sister saw that and lifted me up. I was sure that this was my dead when I was under water, so I cried very much then. I didn't get water in my lungs, but I remember how awful this was. The physical trainer asked me if I have claustrophobia, and I have. She said that my hard breathing and claustrophobia is probably a result of the near drowning moment. It feels like I don't receive enought oxygen when I am breathing. I have found a name of this, it is shortness of breath. She gave me some exercises to do and it felt better after that. I had very hard time with this when I was younger, it is very awful to breath and breath and all the time is that feeling that it is not enought of oxygen in the lungs. I have thought that is this shortness of breath a result of my small penis worry also, I remember that I was very worried about my small penis and scrotum from age 6-7 years old, that I will never grow in that area like other boys. I know that when feeling anxious the body is producing more cortisol and it is a testosterone killer. I am suspecting that cortisol in my body has been so hi under almost all my life that I didn't receive enough testosterone in the puberty. If the school doctor should have checked my hormone levels when I was 14, and I should have received testosterone, then it had saved my life. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello,

I have sent an email anonymous to the school doctor manager in our area. I wrote the same information to her as I have written here to you. I wrote that my life is soon over and it is because I didn't receive hormons in puberty. And that the school doctor didn't say anything about that to me then so I didn't know that hormons was an option. I wrote that it is too late for me but I hope that it will save some other boy's life.

She wrote back to me that I was very brave to send an email like that to her. She wrote that she will make sure to give this information to all school doctors in our area so that they know how important this is when they are checking the boys genitalia.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's a really nice thing you did, it could definitely help someone in the future. Have you spoken to @IrmaJean? She was a really helpful person to talk to about my struggle. But I respect what you did by messaging the schools, it was a really cool thing to do. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No,  I haven't spoke to @IrmaJean. The school doctor manager also asked me if I have spoken with someone, a psychologist or some other about this. I wrote back to her that I haven't. I wrote that for a while ago I saw a documentary about suicide. In the documenatary they said that suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem, but it is not always true. The people in the documentary didn't have small penis syndrome then, that's for sure.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello, Grief. I appreciate that your thread was brought to my attention.

Welcome to the community. I'm sorry you're struggling so much and feeling down. You were subjected to some demeaning experiences when you were younger. I'm sorry you went through that. :(

Do you still have difficulty breathing? That can happen during anxiety, but it can also happen due to medical issues, such as asthma. I'm wondering if you were ever checked medically for this or is the problem gone now?

I'm glad you were able to express yourself to someone by writing to the school doctor manager and that they responded supportively. Sometimes it helps to feel heard. I hope it helped you.

I would call myself a HSP as well so we have something in common. It isn't always easy to feel things deeply, but there can be some positives as well.

Do you enjoy any hobbies? If I am feeling very sad, I find it helps to connect with something that feels nourishing. It's soothing and it helps me to balance out difficult feelings, or at least to get a breather from them. So often I will listen to music, sit in my pink room, or go outside in nature. Do any activities bring you feelings of peace and comfort or relieve stress? That might look very different for you than it does for me as well.

How are things going in your life otherwise? Family? Friendships? Work?

Are you able to share with family or friends there with you? Have you considered going to therapy?

Take care and I hope you will continue to share here, to your level of comfort. I hope you feel better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Irmajean,

Thank you for your welcome!

When I was younger, maybe between 7-19 years old  then I was many times to different doctors for this difficulty breathing. All doctors talked about asthma and they measured my oxygen level also when I was on a gym bicycle, and sent me to an asthma specialist atleast once. I have tested different asthma medications, but no medication helped me. I know now that my shortness of breath is and has always been because of stress or anxiety or panic anxiety. I have had this sence I was maybe 7 years old, for no reason at all. So it is very sad if this came after the near drowning moment. As I wroted before, I have had a very good childhood and family. When I was younger I had difficult to breath all the time, I remember how I was struggling to get enough oxygen in my lungs. I have it still but not so much as when I was younger, it is worse if I am nervous or anxious. If I am doing some exercises, then it is feeling better.

I have had a few hobbies when I was younger, but I have not them anymore. I don't feel that I have interest to do something anymore, I am listen to music, and sometimes I go out in the nature. I know that therapy is not working for me for this problem, when it is a problem that is to late to do something about. It is such a sorrow when I know that it was possible to do something then when I was younger, but the school doctor never cared to do anything. This fucking doctor has taken my life instead to save my life as the doctors are paid for. 

I have a good relationship with my parents and siblings and I have some friends, but not close freiends. I have a full time work.

My parents know about this situation, I have recently told them. They cried and became very sad when they heard my story.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If some boy in puberty who has an abnormal small penis is reading this, I want to say to him that don't be shy, go to the doctor and say that you want hormone treatment for this reason. If you are waiting with this problem, then it is to late after puberty. There are many doctors out there who don't care, if the doctor tells you that you don't need any hormones and you are normal size. Then you have to go to another doctor, don't take no for an answer!

There are so much research on this, so if the doctor know what he is doing there are almost no risks at all. I wish that I had received this information when I was in puberty, but I didn't have internet then and nobody told me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Grief The internet really is a double edged sword. In a lot of ways I wish it was around when I was a teenager, mainly for information about SPS, but on the other end of that spectrum, porn was a magazine found in a bush. Nowadays kids will hit puberty and be immediately bombarded with giant unrealistic cocks to compare themselves to. What you said about telling your family was really nice, especially how they reacted. By the sounds of it they didn't react with disbelief, but rather with compassion and understanding. And it's not exactly an easy conversation to have. But you're right, doctors need to be more realistic professionally and less dismissive. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes I agree with you Yoth, there is so much awful things on internet also. Many children are so mean to each other, they can write mean things anonymous about a boy or girl in their school. I know a girl who was very intelligent and good in school. Her classmates where so mean to her because they where jealous. She was bullied both in school and on the internet so she became mentally ill. She is now a destroyed young woman, I heard that she tried to kill herself for 2-3 years ago. I belive in god, and I hope that mean people who are bullying other are receiving a hard penalty later in this life or after this life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 5/20/2017 at 3:33 PM, Grief said:

Many girls has been interested but I can't bee with a woman, it is a lock in my head. I am always thinking that later when she see me nude she will laught at me or will leave because of my small penis and scrotum

 

I know the feeling. I would consider myself a good looking guy (tall, good hair, in shape) and women flirt with me all the time. But I never follow through. Women even straight up approach me very directly for dates. And I always come up with an excuse. Not too long ago a girl asked me to go on a double date with a friend of hers to a a concert and I told her to her friend that I was working even though I wasn't. It sucks to be a good looking guy with no confidence. People start to wonder what's wrong with you. Why you aren't married yet. Why you don't have any kids. Or if you're secretly gay. (Nothing against gays). btw I am 1 inch soft, 5 erect. About 5.3 girth. Ball sack is pretty normal. It is a psychological thing. I know that when I'm aroused I'm pretty much in the same range as the majority of guys. But all I ever think about is how it looks when it's soft. I don't recall being suicidal but it goes get me down from time to time. Usually when I'm at an event where it is couples orientated, which I try to avoid at all costs. I think that when you're a child (pre-middle school) at least in my case, it didn't really bother me because I didn't know any better. It was later on in life, probably around high school, where I started to worry about it. Now that I'm getting older (mid-30s) I am starting to care less about it. Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...