Fear and despair. I have feelings for girls way below my age.

[Savoidam]

Lately I've been living in fear.

The realization started to come about a year ago. I think I fell in love with an 11 year old.
I'm 23 years old, have a stable relationship with someone my age and a stable job and this sudden awareness has thrown my mental health into disarray.
At first I was just disgusted with myself for having feelings for somebody that age.

The disgust faded a bit as I realized I didn't have serious sexual feelings towards girls that age (I really don't want to sleep with them) but I have the undeniable feeling that I'm in love with her and that I want to kiss her / cuddle etc. (Sorry if this disgusts people reading this but I have to get this off my heart or I'll go insane). But all the disgust soon turned into utter despair as I never would or could act upon those feelings.The knowledge that I could never be loved by someone I love, really shattered my heart into a million pieces and soaked it in despair.
Never mind acting upon it, I could never ever tell anyone about this.

The fact that I have these feelings and that I have to live with never telling anyone fills me with fear. Fear of never truly being happy, the fear of being spat out by society, fear of losing everyone I care about if they ever somehow found out. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through life like this.

I think this all is connected to an underlying fear of getting older. I've been having issues with the fact that my worry-free and fantastic teenage years are gone forever. 

Lately thoughts about killing myself have popped into my head. I currently think it's a dumb idea the doesn't solve anything. But the fact that it pops into my head fills me with even more fear for the future.

I try to keep on living my life but every day the burden gets worse.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading nonetheless 

[LaLa]

Hello, Savoidam, welcome!

(I'm sorry this reply is so late... There are times when no moderator checks the forum for quite a ling time  .)

Don't worry about disgusting us (or at least: me); it's good that you've got that off your heart - we're here to listen and I think it was an important step for you to finally write about it. And, BTW, I'm not disgusted at all by what you described - I would be only if it was about something you actually did. I know from quite many people already (have you read their stories here on the forum?) that it's most often very hard to cope with the appearance / emergence of this type of feelings and/or fantasies. Sometimes they even cause a very disturbing obsession and / or a big fear that one would perhaps be sometimes able to "act out"... (This can sometimes be more OCD than pedophilia.) I presume that when it's causing you a lot of fear and stress, you tend to obsess about it and this, in a vicious circle, can make it worse and more intense...  So, besides the longer-term reasons you mentioned, these are the risks due to which it's better to "do something about it" very soon. What could you do except for communicating on a forum about it? BTW, there is a site dedicated to people suffering like you - perhaps you could find there more relevant help than here, where we (or; most of us) cannot relate to your situation by using personal experience: http://virped.org

But perhaps communicating in a written form won't be enough. Mainly if the thoughts about suicide keep returning... I would recommend you to try to find a specialist (psychotherapist / psychologist) who's got already experiences with treating people attracted to children. (This topic seems to appear more and more often in sources that "general public" can read (at least in our country), so there you could perhaps also see a name of such a psychologist.) I can imagine that this idea brings even more fear, because when you're not anonymous (like in therapy), you don't feel so protected. But perhaps it's really some psychotherapy that could significantly help you, while its risks are tiny, so it would be better to  seek such professional help.

There surely is a way to live with such "inclinations" without hating yourself (you can mainly praise yourself for knowing you would never harm a child etc. - it's much better than being disgusted) and even pursuing healthy adult relationships without all the problems you imagine now that this can cause you. I'm sorry I don't have "a plan how to achieve it"; I just know it's possible and wish you to find your way soon.  

I'm sorry I can't offer more today; I'm writing in a hurry  ... I just want to give you a few main ideas, hoping you'll take some advantage of at least one of them. I also hope you'll keep posting and share more about your struggles.

Good luck!

Edited May 22, 2017 by LaLa

[Savoidam]

Thank you LaLa for your open mind, kind words and advise.

I can't really justify with words how much it means to me that there's somebody out there willing to listen without judging me.
I've been thinking about visiting a therapist but as you already anticipated, I'm petrified of actually telling anyone about this face to face.
Also because I need to lie to people I care about as to why I would go visit a therapist (I do 'obviously' think it is justified to lie in this case).
Nonetheless I'm gonna take your words as wisdom and start searching for a therapist if thoughts keep returning. Your insights about fear leading to obsession gave me very valuable knowledge as to what I need to guard myself for.

I'm still extremely uncertain and fearful of the entire situation, maybe because I've only recently accepted/identified these feelings for what they are. I doubt all that is gonna disappear soon. I catch myself still hoping I'll learn to deal with these feelings myself and that they'll fade away. I know better but the entire situation doesn't bring out the best of my intelligence and sanity. 

Once again, I can't thank you enough for your time and advice.

 

[LaLa]

You're welcome, S.!   I'm really glad I could "make a difference", at least a small one  .

I know it can feel good to receive a positive reaction, but I mainly hope you're going to feel better in the long term and find some 'more concrete' help. 

I understand that you're uncertain and fearful; it would be weird or probably even "unhealthy" not to feel so in such a surprising and upsetting situation. But it's important not to "remain stuck" in this shock or even let it escalate somehow the problem. I believe the communication about it you started here is a good way to avoid that.

BTW, you might also want to read more about the OCD aspect, here, for instance:

http://www.ocdspecialists.com/pedophile-ocd/

http://www.louisvilleocdclinic.com/pocd.php (+ links there)

On 2017-05-22 at 11:39 PM, Savoidam said:

I need to lie to people I care about as to why I would go visit a therapist (I do 'obviously' think it is justified to lie in this case)

Yeah; therapy is in most cases such a private thing that it's better not to disclose much about it to others (just what you need / really want to say). (BTW; most of my family doesn't even know I was in therapy and I don't want them to - mainly the closest ones. In my case, it's because I always used to hide my problems so it would be an unnecessary shock and they would probably blame themselves for my problems even if I told them they're not responsible - I want to avoid that.) I also think the nature of your problem is quite difficult to understand for too many people (because they would mix their emotions and prejudices in it too much, as people do in case of 'sensitive' issues), so why would you risk their disgust etc. just to be honest to them? Imagine it like a physical illness or injury: If you have, for instance, some "ugly" wound, you won't show it to people. They don't need to see it. All that's necessary is you being treated well and taking care of yourself and healing. I think it's the same in your situation: There's no need to disclose your problem to others, not even to those yo love, and there's no reason to feel bad about it - would you feel bad about not showing them a physical injury or illness that would be "disgusting to see to people who aren't health care professionals"? (Just to be sure: I'm not saying you are disgusting or something like that. You're not. But talking about the character of your problem to people who "aren't used to it" can make feel them disgusted. They could finally understand and get used to it, but... do you really need such a proof of their loving and understanding nature? ) 

Good luck!