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I have crazy dreams. They're sometimes terrifying, sometimes amazing, sometimes truly bizarre. But they're never boring. 

The last dream of note that I had was quite possibly the most fucked up dream I've ever had. It was so fucked up that I had to dumb it down to everyone I told for fear of sounding like a fucking lunatic. 

So, here goes. 

I'm jumping from perspective to perspective of everyone in the dream and...I'm raping myself. I'm a man raping a woman, but I'm the man for a while and feeling every emotion that goes along with it, the power, the exhilaration, the pleasure, the guilt. Then I'm the woman. The pain, the fear, the feeling of being completely powerless and at the will of someone else. I'm angry, I'm crying, I'm trying to figure out an escape plan. 

Then I'm a judge. I'm judging myself for the crime and I'm pissed. But I'm not pissed at the act, I'm pissed because the job has worn me down, all I do is judge people for things I haven't witnessed. I'm guessing at who's guilty. 

When I woke up, I felt guilty. Why the fuck am I feeling guilty? I was the one being raped. But I was raping someone too. I felt for the woman in my dream, but she was me. It was as if I was condemning myself for something I know didn't happen. Nothing happened. I didn't judge myself for caving in an old woman's head in a dream I had once, I laughed it off. Why was this different? Eventually I just laughed it off again as dream insanity. I'm not a rapist, I don't fantasise about that type of stuff, if anything my sexual tastes are pretty tame/lame and ordinary. They're not nun tame, but they're not adventurous by today's standards. 

Eventually I asked myself that if what happened was in a dream world, and every dream figure was me, where did the guilt come from? It manifested from nowhere, and I only focused on the guilt. Maybe that's a reflection of real life. The guilt I feel about my life is really about nothing. Does the lion feel guilty for eating the gazelle? Does it fuck. Guilt is a curse that needs to be dropped as a belief. If I was in a foreign far flung country with rules that differ greatly from my own, would I feel guilty about eating another human? Probably not. If I was a Viking that turned up to some seaside village and killed everyone and took the weak as slaves, would I feel guilty? Nope, it'd just be another day as a Viking. 


Such a bizarre concept and yet the ruling force in today's society. I'm either feeling guilty or judging people for their guilt...

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