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Finding My Place


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I am new to this forum, but I am not new to humiliation or degradation. I have been married twice and have a 4" erect penis. Both my wives saw other men for sex, yet said what I had was enough for them. I grew up being bullied because I wouldn't fight back. I was also considered gay, even though I never did anything to make them think this, in my opinion. I found that I erotisized my torture and found enjoyment in being ridiculed and humiliated.

 

I fear men and women. I don't know how to fight, and even if I did, I'm not sure I could. I got beat up a lot growing up. And soon after I married my first wife I took her to a swing club where she had sex with I grew up behind a topless bar, a massage parlor and a adult arcade. So, I saw a lot of sex. And I got involved at an early age, with men. I found that when I allowed others to have sex with me, or if I did things for them, sexually, that I was most accepted. As I grew older I tried to date women, mostly because when I had a girlfriend I got beat up less often.

 

I found that by dating women I was seen as more a man. So, even though I wasn't masculine, I didn't get bullied as much. But the girls I dated saw other guys for sex. This was because of my lack of size. My current wife says I am more than adequate, but she does enjoy other men from time to time, like twice a week or so. I have found that by sharing my wife that other men treat me better. I have often wondered if the reason I looked to date women was more so that I wouldn't get bullied, rather than having a romantic attraction.

 

I have never had friends. Yet, I have many male friends (who have had sex with my wife.) These are guys who like to call me and ask if my wife would like to play with a "real" man. And they are also always appreciative of my lack of courage and acceptance of my lack of size.

 

Am I alone in this?

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  • 1 month later...

Hi, 3DC. Welcome to the community. You're definitely not alone in this, I think what you have done in the past and what you're doing now is fairly common place in society, albeit slightly taboo so rarely spoken about. How do you feel about your current situation, are you happy? I can't say for any of my girlfriends in the past, but I know my wife has never cheated on me, but I know it'd break my heart if she ever did. Do you feel ok and embrace the situation or is it something you dislike? What is your relationship like with your wife away from sex, do you love eachother? I personally think if you're supportive and loving and she recriprocates but you just have an agreement, then I don't see a problem. If it eats you up inside then it sounds like a bit of a nightmare. I'm pretty sure there are a few guys on here who are cuckolds, but you might want to post in small penis syndrome rather than here. Anyway, nice to meet you, I hope you get from the forum what you're looking for ☮

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Hello, welcome and... I'm sorry we missed you post when you wrote it! :( It happens sometimes, although we try to react / reply to everybody :( . I hope you'll come back one day to check this forum...

Childhood experiences shape our life very much and you've been through a lot :( ... Would it be (financially) possible for you to try psychotherapy? It could significantly help with the sort of issues you've mentioned; it could help you to "process" the bullying and humiliation, to gain more self-esteem, to understand better and improve your relationship. What do you think?

It seems to me you're making a quick conclusion based on your prejudice - on your negative self-image - but I can't see the logic of it: Your wives haven't complained about your size, but you assume they cheated because of it, although there can be many other, some much probable, reasons. The quality of the intimate experiences isn't much determined by 'your size', but by many other factors, including the quality of the relationship itself. Moreover, some people are very prone to infidelity, even if in a satisfying relationship - they have diverse reasons, some, for instance, possibly due also to their childhood experiences. So the infidelity of you partners may be explained by something related to your 'behaviour / attitude' in the relationship, but perhaps also or only by the character of your wife. If you belief that 'your size' is the problem, it only hurts your self-esteem, makes you unhappy, but first of all, it prevents you from finding the real cause of the problem and thus from dealing with it.

So... you may try to SPS section of the forum here (as suggested), but that wouldn't address your fundamental issues. 

In any case; good luck!

 

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They cheated you because they find it easy for you to deal with, plus you don't have the courage to fight back for your own, what I see in your situation is you are coward (sorry for the word) and I looks like you are pleased to serve men just by giving up your wife.

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24 minutes ago, BabyHopper said:

I looks like you are pleased to serve men just by giving up your wife.

You've misunderstood his post: He was involved with men before even getting married for the first time. It doesn't seem to me he somehow continued with it after starting having 'experiences' with women.

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You opened up and shared with us here, 3decade. That is not easy to do and we want you to feel supported here in our community.

I have trouble being assertive at times too. I'm sorry you were bullied. That's a terrible thing to have to experience and cope with.

Regarding your relationship, what do you want and need? Is this marriage something you want and, if so, how would things need to change? Are you able to discuss with your wife? If the marriage isn't what you want, then I think it's important to consider your wants and needs.

Best wishes and take care.

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