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Lost and in need of direction.


backtrack95
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Warning y'all now that this is a long one and PLEASE do not judge me.

I am a very suffer in silence kind of gal. I cannot stand talking about my problems, even with the people I love. So, here I am turning to all of you wonderful strangers here on the Internet. And I gotta say, I never thought I'd be doing this.

As long as I can remember I've suffered from depression and low self-esteem. Even when I was a little girl. My father, while we speak now, was never around until I was 15 and thus I have always had this deep set feeling of abandonment. Then my mother struggles with depression and bi-polar disorder, which I'm almost positive I inherited from her, and when I was in high school she had a very bad time with it- and took it all out on me. I think I talked her out of suicide 2-3 times and I lost track of the amount of times she had called me 'a little bitch' in return. I actually didn't realize it until recently, because we get along now, but she emotionally abused the hell out of me. And never even said sorry. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she firmly believes I brought it all on myself even though I was still practically a kid at the time. She kicked me out when I was 17 and I have been living with my grandparents ever since. I met a boy around that time, he is the love of my life and we have been together five years now. We both dropped out of school and we are very hard workers to make up for it. But we are also wildly prone to substance abuse. Thankfully, our work ethic hasn't suffered, but our personal lives have.

Over the past five years we have had a lot of fun while also trying to get our lives together and started, though it is obvious now that our partying has turned into a huge problem. I have taken LSD probably about 30, maybe even 40 times now. I'm not exaggerating. Recently, I have gotten into cocaine. I drink heavily. I wouldn't say I am an alcoholic, but I have polished off a bottle of whiskey in two days more times than I care to admit. I can't believe how hard it is to stop doing all that, but it really is. More recently, it was brought to my attention that my boyfriend is in fact an alcoholic- because he cheated on me not once but 3 times with the same girl. Just when I was already feeling down about myself and my life, more than I ever have, this happens. I believe him when he says he was blackout drunk when they fucked but sometimes, in the back of my mind, I wonder just how truthful that is. Doesn't help that the heartbreak hasn't really mended. I do fully believe him when he says he still loves me. I wish you guys could see how much he does. Though now I can't fucking stand myself. I thought my relationship was the one good thing I had going for me in my life right now and even that is fucked up.

I'm 21 now and I don't have my license yet. On top of that, I keep talking about how I'm going to go to college because I'm a very creative, compassionate, empathetic person and I want to be a nurse, a social worker, maybe even a journalist or just anything where I can help people. And I realize first I need to figure out how to help myself. My mental health has declined more dramatically than ever in the past few months and I can tell not just because of the complete lack of interest in my hobbies (I love writing and drawing), intense sadness, insomnia, substance abuse and random outbursts of anger but I have also severely isolated my family and my closest friends. I see all these people I went to high school with, traveling, starting their careers, looking good and being happy. And here I am on a website trying to get help from strangers because my life and my body, mentally and physically, is so messed up. I'm at a point now where I'm like- god, what have I done? Who am I? Will it ever get better?

You guys have to believe me when I say I'm a good, ambitious person and I truly have tried to make my life better, and find that sense of independence, over the past 4-5 years. I swear, I have. And I wasn't bullshitting when I said I work hard as hell. It's just... my mental health has gotten in the way of almost everything. It's so scary. Especially because I didn't even realize that until very recently.

I don't have health insurance and I live in America. So I can't see a therapist. I have bad memories of seeing therapists when I was a child so I don't know if that would help anyway.

I feel like I am trapped in a dark room of closed, locked doors and I lost my key to one of them a long time ago. Now I'm stuck in my own life that has no meaning. I have never felt so lonely and hated myself more than I do now. I just don't know what to do.

This is me admitting that I need help.

So can someone please just... point me in the right direction?

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Hello, backtrack95, welcome!

Don't worry about judgement; we're not here to judge you, but also... why would we? There's just one thing I can judge, based on your post: Your childhood was very difficult and the horrible emotional abuse couldn't not to damage you :( . Unfortunately, it's inevitable to suffer some consequences. And if you don't make enough effort to overcome them (=seek help, advocate for yourself when searching for it, ...), it may not only have mental and social, but also some physical sequels (you might want to have a look at this https://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetimeI also recommend the 1st talk here, perhaps also the others-ones: https://www.ted.com/playlists/506/new_thoughts_on_addiction

 

But at the same time, this isn't a predisposition that has to spoil all your life! You have the power (even though you might not often feel it) to change, to heal, to got better in many aspects of your life. But I agree with you that you need help as such big and difficult changes very seldom happen without external help.

I would also recommend to search for an affordable therapist. Your bad experiences from childhood will probably make starting therapy more difficult, but talking about this issue at the beginning may help (you may first clarify for both you and the therapist why the previous experiences weren't good = what and how was it bad for you, what you needed and didn't got, ...). If you'd like to learn more about psychotherapy and the expectation you can have from it, feel free to ask ;) .

The only other option that occurred to me is Alcoholics anonymous (or a "similar" peer support group if it exists where you live). You may have several prejudices about this group (including the fact that "you're not an alcoholic, so why would you go there?"), but I'm sure that finding more about them or, even better, just trying it and find a group, would make them disappear. 

In the context of your cheating partner, I would recommend this psychologist and marriage counsellor - try at least a few of her talks here, perhaps they will be insightful and helpful for you:

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Esther+Perel%2C+infifelity

Also, the videos by The School of life offer great insights to human relationships - here is one for instance: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d079McwlBRE

I know your partner is not infidel in such a way - it seems he was too inebriated to know what he was doing (and that's a problem with alcohol, not with his relationship to you) - but perhaps such videos could be helpful to the part of you who's doubtful about him really "not being aware of his actions at those moments".

I also have two observations about your post:

- You overly try to persuade us to believe you and not to judge you. At a first sight, it sounds like if you weren't sure about yourself and rather wanted to persuade yourself than us. Or rather; to persuade the one part of you (of your mind) that doesn't believe in you and that would probably like to sabotage your efforts to get better and to live a good life by telling you harsh things which mirror the negative messages your mother used to give you about you. I'm mentioning it because it's always better to be aware of such a part in one's mind - to be "prepared to fight it"... (And I'm not sure you already perceive it in you, although it (/she) seems to me so present in what you write.) But at a 2nd sight, I have to admit that it's perhaps just because, as a child, you've been facing only judgement, rejection, and disbelief, so you expect if also from us and thus try to somehow prevent it. I suppose it's the combination of the two...

- What's great about your post is that you've shown a lot of ambition and of belief in your abilities and possible success. That's a precious advantage :) . I belief it will help you in your efforts to get help and to make decisions good for your future.

Good luck and take care!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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