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Please help me im losing my mind


scruffycat
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I know I've written before but I just need help

I have so many OCD thoughts and I know everyone says you'll never act on them but I can't believe it

I think that's bullshit

I'm afraid I'm a necrophile, pedophile, you name it

i test myself

i have a badger skull sitting in my window, (i collect skulls, i did not kill it, i love animals) and I pick up the skull and get images of like molesting it. i know its stupid and fucked up

it just makes me think that acting on an ocd thought would be so easy

maybe i already have and i just cant quite remember it

im about to do something drastic please help

 

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It seems you're having a crisis, aren't you? It's not always like this. And it won't always be the same; you can survive crises and in between them, work on getting better, healing, thus avoiding more crises. 

 Just, please, don't harm yourself. Try to rather observe your horrible thoughts. They are just symptoms of an illness, nothing more. It's very unpleasant, similarly to physical pain, but it's not something that would determine who you are, what your life will be in the long run or what you'll do next. Try to be in a comfortable, relaxing position, and just observe, don't do anything, just communicate with us / me in some moments when it feels like you need to share... Would you try?

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You mentioned before that you've recently lost your pet. I know that with each new pet there is also the necessity of loosing it one day, but... it's not a reason to give up on it (all people die, too, so...). My point is: Wouldn't you buy a new pet? Another parrot or some other animal. It seems that such a company could be beneficial... What about planning it now, to break the OCD crisis you're in? (Just an idea...)

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Im afraid because if i play with my nephew im scared ill molest him. If i see a Child on The street i get horrible thoughts and think im a pedophile. If i see a cute animal i think ill molest it.  I dont want to do any of these things but im pretty sure it doesnt matter. I talked to a therapist Who told me some people with OCD do in fact act on their thoughts. Theres no hope for me

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I'm sorry I wasn't there when you posted. You were off-line, so I went off-line, too; I didn't know you'd returned... :( 

Thanks for clarifying your fears to me!

It seems to me you're actually rather scared of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because... there is no reason why you would molest anybody - you do have control over this behaviour and it's something you're scared of and you know it's bad, so you won't do it until you decide to do it. And you can be 'brave', you can maintain control over your actions. When it starts seem that you're loosing it, go out and, for instance, wash your face with cool water, try to breathe deep and focus on the fact that you're having control, that you've done the right thing. I hope your therapist will suggest you some better tactics. Or you may search for another - someone with experiences with POCD. Because this one... unfortunately doesn't seem to be of much help...

Here is some info about it from the article (about a man with the same illness) I mention later:

Quote

We used the 17-session protocol developed by Dr. Edna Foa and other clinical researchers at the University of Pennsylvania, where I had treated some of the most severe cases before relocating to the Center for Mental Health Disparities at the University of Louisville.  Research has shown that other types of therapy, like traditional “talk therapy” or psychoanalysis, are not helpful for OCD.

[...]

I am always amazed by how quickly this treatment can help people get their lives back, which is one of the reasons I love working with people who have OCD.  John was able to resume his normal life after just 17 sessions. In fact, he remains so grateful and excited about his recovery that he was willing to share his experience on a local TV show, The Power to Change. 

It's only your irrational fear of it which makes you think about it so much, to imagine it and making it feel like something you'd be able to do.

Quote

The first thing I did was to teach John how to identity and distinguish between obsessions and compulsions. He was instructed to uncritically accept all obsessions, but to resist all compulsions.  Compulsions are the driving engine for OCD, so by halting them, the disorder starts to weaken its grip.

What are your compulsions? It seems to me (but perhaps it's only because you didn't mention everything) that the compulsions are your self-hate, self-harm, self-punishment. Hm?

So, here are some articles (and you can find more) about the exact condition you're suffering from - I hope it can, at least, bring you hope and more understanding:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/culturally-speaking/201212/could-i-be-pedophile-the-worst-kind-ocd

Quote

People with Pedophile OCD are not Pedophiles

http://www.ocdspecialists.com/pedophile-ocd/

BTW; being a pedophile means being attracted to children, not being a molester. Even if you were a pedophile, it wouldn't make you 'a monster' or an inherently dangerous person. (The same goes for animals, of course.)

Please, despite the possible 'flaws' of your therapist, try to contact her/him soon and either have a sooner session, or just share your current crisis by phone or e-mail... It's important to seek help / support on-line, but the most effective help usually comes 'in person'... 

Good luck! And keep posting!

 

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I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Scruffycat. :(

With OCD, it's often about the pattern of intrusive thoughts rather than the thoughts themselves. The more energy given to the worries/fears, the more it perpetuates the cycle in the brain. Are you able to take some deep breaths or even counting may be helpful. Have you tried any medication? This pattern of thinking can be brain based and certain medications could be helpful. My daughter has OCD and I see how difficult it is for her to cope at times. :( Sending care to you, Scruffycat.

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It's so easy. Imagine I'm holding my nephew. All it would take is for my hand to move a few centimeters and I'd be touching the front of his diaper. Writing that makes me feel so fucking horribly gross but it's true. And then I'd be a child molester. If I held a knife in my hand and someone stood next to me, all it would take is one slash, one flick of the wrist, and that person would be dead. And I'd be a murderer.

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Hi

Im sorry that you are going through this :( . Im sure you wont act on your urges. Ive never heard of person with OCD to act on them. I can tell you that your mind is just playing tricks on you, because I suffer from OCD too. I suffered a lot when I was in highschool and I was scared that I will hurt my family so I know that OCD is awful. I was suicidal for many times, because of it. But you are not alone. Just take a deep breath and try to distract yourself with something. You can try to stay with your nephew and I know you will feel anxiety first, but later you will feel better. and Im sure that you wiil not act on these thoughts.

Take care

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Most paedophiles are cruel and calculated, you're having remorse for something you haven't even done yet. Do rape thoughts make you a rapist? Do murderous thoughts make you a murderer? Do torturous thoughts making you a torturer? Because if they do, then I'm all three. Your OCD is clouding your judgement and your right mind. You know that these feelings are initially met with excitement and intrigue but very quickly turn to disgust and disappointment. So just link the first two emotions with the latter two. Guilt has to start with pleasure or a drive or you wouldn't think these things to begin with. Whenever you feel aroused or intrigued about something that will later disgust you, go jack off and get it out of your system. The mind immediately after ejaculation...that's your right mind. If you're religious, then join with Jesus, Buddha, Allah or whoever and ask for clarity on the situation, ask for reinterpretation. If you're an atheist then ask the part of your brain that is against these thoughts to take over and be in charge. Give yourself a mantra in your head. "I don't really believe this, give me back my peace". Make your own up and just lean on it. Your therapist should have given you coping mechanisms, if they haven't then ask for some. I hope you feel better,my friend. My thoughts are with you and I'll pray for you to get through to the other side of the storm. 

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If you can, try to not allow these thoughts to take hold in your mind. They are just thoughts, try to let them float by without adhering to them. Maybe try to get outside, take a walk or exercise? What has helped in the past? Have you seen any improvement while on the medication? 

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Thank you all for your kind replies.... when I read them, the rational voice in my head tells me ''of course they're right, you've never done anything and you never will'' but I'm so scared. Deep down, I know the thoughts are not real. But it's like... I don't know. Maybe they will become real because I think about them so much? I know I'm not making sense. I've taken fluoxetine since I was 16 (23 now) and the OCD became easier to cope with at first, but recently it's started getting worse again. I'm just so scared. I mean, I've done bad things before. In 4th grade, a boy was bullying me, and after a while I just saw red, gripped him by the collar and started pulling. He told me to stop because I was choking him, and the only thought that ran through my head was ''good''. A teacher had to come pull me off him. There's other things but that one stands out to me because I was so young. Of course, that was not OCD related, but it was still horrible. Sorry for the long text... 

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On 2017-06-25 at 2:16 PM, scruffycat said:

the rational voice in my head tells me ''of course they're right, you've never done anything and you never will''

That's great and important! You're still aware of the truth; you can identify in yourself this rational conviction, important for 'not loosing your mind' :) .

On 2017-06-25 at 2:16 PM, scruffycat said:

but I'm so scared

Yes; your problem is emotional. It's a mood disorder. It's very unpleasant for you, but it doesn't turn you into a bad person.

On 2017-06-25 at 2:16 PM, scruffycat said:

Maybe they will become real because I think about them so much? I know I'm not making sense.

It makes some sense; at least I think I know what you mean. It's a logic of the fear. And in some cases, similar things happen: When someone is convinced that he is or isn't something or capable of something, then he may behave accordingly. But as far as I know, it's about self-confidence and self-doubt and the resulting success of the lack of thereof, not about such serious 'character traits' as in your case.

On 2017-06-25 at 2:16 PM, scruffycat said:

the OCD became easier to cope with at first, but recently it's started getting worse again.

It happens (probably rather often) that antidepressants or other psychiatric medication cease working after some years. It seems it might have happened in your case. I'd really recommend to consult the doc who prescribed the fluoxetine. If, by accident, wasn't a psychiatrist (in some countries, also GPs can prescribe antidepressants!), it would be essential to go to consult one (not only about medication).

The story from your childhood doesn't seem to say much about you as a child (and certainly doesn't tell anything about you as an adult!). Children haven't yet developed full self-control and when someone is bullied, the accumulated anger can vent this way... This may sound 'scary' to you now, but it's a thing of the past and it doesn't need to scare you about your future.

Take care!

Edited by LaLa
typos
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  • 2 months later...

Hi, I'm sorry that I just vanished like that. It was shitty of me to just up and disappear after posting these things. I guess I'm just convinced nobody can help me. I want to live, I really do. But I'm just too far gone. I know I'll act on these intrusive thoughts eventually. Everybody's just telling me lies and I can't understand why. I am a monster and I need to kill myself to protect everyone else. The only problem is I'm too much of a coward to end it all.  But I think eventually I'll get the courage to do it. I don't know why I'm posting here, no one can change my mind anyway.... 

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