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What is happening to me?


kiki24
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I don’t know what’s happening to me. One minute I’ll be laughing and happy, the next I just want to scream and throw stuff, and since I can’t do either, my brain keeps telling me that I should hurt myself.

I’ve talked with my psychiatrist about this, but she doesn’t seem concerned about it cause I can keep functioning just fine, and anyway, I won’t be able to get in touch with her until Monday.

Further info: I’m diagnosed with personality disorder, and I’ve recently been hospitalized.

Thanks in advance

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Hello, Kiki, welcome! :) 

I'm sorry you've been experiencing such confusing mood-swings and even scary urges :( . It has to be frustrating to hear from your psychiatrist that she won't give you a satisfying, calming explanation and won't try to help you somehow with it! But I suppose that symptoms like these "just sometimes happen" and in many cases cannot be satisfyingly "explained", thus she probably couldn't offer you some "real help". However, I would expect at least some coping strategies! (That's perhaps more in the domain of psychology and psychotherapy than psychiatry, who knows...) I can imagine that her strategy was perhaps to help you by calming you by the reassuring words that you keep functioning just fine, so you don't have to worry about it. And I can see there something that could be useful: The stress and the worries you develop around your surprising emotions and 'urges' may in fact be much more hurtful to you than the mood-swings and the thoughts themselves. 

I suppose you tried to identify some triggers or deeper reasons of these symptoms, but failed. So you're scared because they're 'uncanny' and you think you're maybe "loosing your mind" or something. It's a natural reaction, but it only makes it worse. The ideal approach that occurs to me is the buddhist-one (here, for instance: http://viewonbuddhism.org/delusion_introduction.html) or a stoic-one (see this blog https://howtobeastoic.wordpress.com/category/stoic-advice/): try to observe your emotions as something in you, but not a part of you and not a factor that can determine what you do. But I know it's very difficult and needs a lot of practice, so... don't be upset by my 'unhelpful advise'... It's a suggestion about a direction where you could perhaps try to focus your efforts. 

Do you agree that you keep functioning just fine? If not, how would you describe the situation? What's got worse in you "daily functioning"?

Would you mind sharing more about the reasons of your hospitalization (a personality disorder usually doesn't require it) and your current therapy? Are you currently medicated? (Couldn't the mood-swings be caused by the meds?) You mentioned your psychiatrist, but do you also have a psychotherapist?

And... have you ever self-injured or this is the first time that the 'urge' occurred? It's very important not to start - imagine it like smoking or another addiction; once you start or re-start, it's getting worse :( . So, I would recommend you to read enough about the prevention (here, for instance: http://studentsagainstdepression.org/get-support/check-suicide-and-self-harm/coping-with-self-harming-urges/) and try to follow the advises.

Good luck, take care!

 

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Hello LaLa,

First of all i would like to thank you for taking the time to reply to my post and for being very kind in doing so.

Regarding your questions, yes, i do believe that most of the time i can live my life somewhat successfully, and with this i mean that i can manage to keep a job and a few close relationships, but, for instance, lately i cannot seem to be able to concentrate on my studies, and the time i spend at home is either spent sleeping or jumping from one task to another.

My hospitalization was due to a series of unsuccessful suicide attempts, but i was the one who decided to go to the hospital and was there advised to stay for a couple of days.

Yes, I am currently medicated, and i doubt that that could be the cause for the mood swings, cause i've been on those meds for almost a year now and they usually manage to help me be somewhat stable (they are aripiprazole and alprazolam). I am in therapy with a psychiatrist and a psychologist, but the healthcare of my country doesn't cover the expenses for a psychotherapist (and as of right now i can't afford to go to a private one).

I've been self-harming for more than 10 years now, but in the last two months i was able to stop.

i hope that what i tried to explain is clear, cause since the health system differs from country to country, i'm aware that it can get pretty confusing...

Thanks again for your help and the resources! i really appreciate them :)

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You're welcome, Kiki! And thanks for the information; now I have a better picture...! :) 

At the same time, I still don't know how to better answer your question... But that's now surprising - even if somebody who's experienced the same would read it, he probably couldn't say more that just describe his particular case...

But I hope there's still something you can 'get' here... For instance, sometimes it helps to write about the urge to self-harm or the suicidal thoughts (instead of acting upon them or just suffering alone). So feel free to come and share your issues and emotions with us when you don't know what better to do. The inconvenient is that there's often nobody on-line, so it can take a long time to receive a reaction, but sometimes it helps even to have it written down...

Congrats to being able to stop self-harming as well as get yourself hospitalized!!! That's a big progress and you certainly can keep progressing, even when sometimes you "fall back" for a while (it just happen :( ! ).

I have one more question: How would you describe the reasons of your self-destructive tendencies? Do you perceive them as something in you that pushes you too do it (if yes, then what? self-hate or suffering?) or as your reaction to what happens to you (-to the way how others treat you or to some events in your life)?

 Take care!

P.S.: Psychotherapy isn't paid by the healthcare system / insurance in almost any country :( ...

 

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My self destructive tendencies are kinda weird. i think i started because i had no better way to express my emotions, something i did whenever i was angry.

Right now, they are still a way to deal with emotions that are too intense, but they have also become like "emotion intensifiers". for example, if i'm happy and i do act on this urges, it is because i want to feel more happy. if i do it when i'm sad, it's because i want to be happy again.

last night, though, it seemed like the only way to express my feeling of unwellness, my confusion and frustration over the fact that i can't manage to have logical emotional responses.

thanks again for answering me, i hope you're having a nice day! :)

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Thank you, Kiki, you're very kind :) .

I'm sorry you've learned this "coping mechanism" and you feel the need to either enhance or "over-shout / attenuate" your emotions :( ... 

I know that getting rid of bad habits is hard and even more when mental issues are involved. But I also know it's possible to find a way to healing, even with this kind of problem. I hope you'll be well accompanied on your way towards healing...

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