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What's going on with me?


Vini
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Hello,

I'm desperate for help, I don't know what's going on with me. 

It may sound weird, but I'll tell anyway. I don't even know where to start.

I just arrived from church, and I'm feeling terrible. In the way back to home, I started to cry and pray with myself out load, asking God for help, waiting for a miracle. I cried out for Him for His the only one I can tell everything, the one that comforts me the most. He hears me when I pray, but I wish He could answer me. I feel my whole body crushed and my head aches. Millions of thoughts in my mind. Thoughts of situations and people... Every time I cry I feel better. Anyway, this was caused by something that have been bothering me a lot.

I don't know if it's just my mind creating things, but I feel that people (from church for example) think that I'm crazy or something. They don't tell me directly of course, but sometimes I can hear them talk about it. But again, I don't know if that comes from my head. And that's a big problem, because I lose the sense of reality. I wish someone would tell me, "you're not going crazy or paranoid, it's only your mind". I don't know what I should do.

That started happening when I was in foreign country, I was a exchange student. There I had amazing experiences and all, but I felt quite alone, especially when I starting living alone. So I was depressed. I had a girl friend there which I created a deep connection, but we broke up later because of the distance and all. That affected me a lot. Also, I started taking vitamins and pills to help my body, but I think it may had created a chemical imbalance in my brain. I still have to take some exams.   

I think I've always had problems with low self-esteem since school. It may have been developed to a more serious issue. I don't know if I have any cognitive problems, I'm finishing my degree in engineering and working. 

I have no good friends, I'm the type of guy who is timid, an egg hard to crack. So I keep many thoughts to my self... I'm pretty sure that's not very good. Anyway. I don't know why I've always been like that.

Help, what should I do? Where to go? What's my problem?

Thank you for reading and sorry for the long text. 

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Hello, Vini, welcome! :) 

Don't worry about the length of your post! It's better to explain well your situation and it needs enough space! ;) 

You seem to describe 3-4 different issues, although they are probably linked somehow.

First of all, your recent experience, when going from the church. When I read it, I don't have the impression that it would have to be probably a big problem. I think most of (or at least a significant part of us) us have sometimes such "moments" when everything seems just insupportable, we are overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts and we long for "a saviour, a lifesaver" (the nature of which depends on our preferences and convictions, including religion). Such a situation (outburst of emotions etc.) doesn't have to mean that "we've gone crazy" or anything of that kind, it even doesn't have to influence much our lives (this depends rather on our reaction to it, on our analysis of the reasons and the conclusions we make).

So, I'd like to ask you several questions to clarify it for us, if you don't mind: Why and in which sense, in particular, this experience seems so shocking to you? And do you feel some big influence of it on your present situation - if yes, then what is it? Most of all; can you identify "all" the reasons why you might have felt that way (when walking home from church)? (It seems to me, from what you wrote, that it might have been triggered by your feeling of being judged by others in the church - it reminded you of this suspicion and for some accidental reason, it was "the last drop" and your emotions, that have been accumulating during some time already, started to outburst. 

But there're also some other important question: What if your conviction was true? What would it mean to you if people were considering you "crazy or something"? And if you new for sure that they do think so, what would you do; would you change something?

It's important because... it's possible that you won't never know (let's compare it to the most known case - infidelity: One can only proof infidelity, but never proof it's absence - it's the same with "harsh judgement of others about you") and this uncertainty could be really hurtful to you, unnecessarily! So the best thing you could do is not to care much about it and care only about the only thing you can influence and the only thing that matters in this regard: Your behaviour, values, ... - If you know what's "right", then do it and avoid what you consider really against your fundamental values - in other words, try to be the person you'd like to be ("a good guy"), not seeking the approval of others. Does it make sense to you? I'm not sure I'm explaining it well - it sounds a little clumsy to me...

So, this is already related to the second problem you mention:

18 hours ago, Vini said:

that's a big problem, because I lose the sense of reality

The problem is only if you obsess about "not knowing, not being sure, being scared that it might be true". The problem isn't the uncertainty itself, because, as I said, you can never see into the minds of others, so... you can just live in a way that you "interact politely and correctly with them" and take into account only what people say and do to you, not "what they perhaps think". If this is such a problem for you that you cannot "function normally" (because you're too much preoccupied by the fear etc.), then it sounds like paranoia or obsession. 

18 hours ago, Vini said:

what should I do? Where to go?

In that case (if it sounds and feels like an actual paranoia or obsession to you), the best solution would be to find a psychotherapist (cognitive-behavioural, for instance) who would help you to overcome it. How are your options in this regard? Does your university offer services of psychologists? (-That would be a good place to start.)

18 hours ago, Vini said:

I started taking vitamins and pills to help my body, but I think it may had created a chemical imbalance in my brain

What pills do you mean? (Vitamins are surely safe in this regard, so... what's the other-one?)

18 hours ago, Vini said:

I have no good friends, I'm the type of guy who is timid, an egg hard to crack. So I keep many thoughts to my self... I'm pretty sure that's not very good. Anyway. I don't know why I've always been like that.

This is also something that can be well explored and dealt with in psychotherapy. But you can start yourself, perhaps by writing here about yourself and trying to 'analyze' how you've become what you are now and to search for some ways how to become more open to new experiences. You already had one - you were able to develop a good, deep relationship with the girl abroad. I know it's depressing to loos it :( , but don't let the sorrow and the fear of being hurt again prevent you from forming new friendships.

Good luck and take care! :) 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dear LaLa,

Forgive me for taking so long. 

Thank you so much for you response, I'll try to answer you as better as possible.

On 03/07/2017 at 1:39 PM, LaLa said:

First of all, your recent experience, when going from the church. When I read it, I don't have the impression that it would have to be probably a big problem. I think most of (or at least a significant part of us) us have sometimes such "moments" when everything seems just insupportable, we are overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts and we long for "a saviour, a lifesaver" (the nature of which depends on our preferences and convictions, including religion). Such a situation (outburst of emotions etc.) doesn't have to mean that "we've gone crazy" or anything of that kind, it even doesn't have to influence much our lives (this depends rather on our reaction to it, on our analysis of the reasons and the conclusions we make).

That's true, I think I'm passing through a crisis or something. I can handle myself. These insupportable moments are starting to be more frequetly. And I ask God for help and nothing comes. I don't know what I would do without God in my life... Why is He letting this happen? I know I'm a sinner, but did I do something horrible to deserve it. My heart is just broken and I wish I could share it with someone I like, someone to be beside me when I need it. I feel so lonely and helpless so often. I ask him for a good wife to support me in this life...

And don't think I had a bad live, I've always studied in good schools, I have everything I want from my parents. I work and I studied. I have a solid family. Got to travel the world and all. Sometimes I feel that I was not very love by my parents. My father worked all the long and I was kind of created by sevants. But I don't want to blame my parents for it.

On 03/07/2017 at 1:39 PM, LaLa said:

 Why and in which sense, in particular, this experience seems so shocking to you? And do you feel some big influence of it on your present situation - if yes, then what is it?

The experience helped me to look inside me, it helped me to understand that I need to change, that I need help to overcome whatever I'm passing through. But that was just one, I had other ones. At home, when I go to sleep, when I pray I bust into tears asking God for help and guidance.

On 03/07/2017 at 1:39 PM, LaLa said:

Most of all; can you identify "all" the reasons why you might have felt that way (when walking home from church)? (It seems to me, from what you wrote, that it might have been triggered by your feeling of being judged by others in the church - it reminded you of this suspicion and for some accidental reason, it was "the last drop" and your emotions, that have been accumulating during some time already, started to outburst. 

 

Well, yes. I felt that way maybe because I often weigh a lot the opinion of others. I think I'm too insecure and I long for acceptance. Instead I should've feared only God. Also, I feel people don't care about me. Sometimes I feel like a burden... and I can go on telling bad things about me, but that doesn't help. Maybe that's pure vanity of me, oh I'm the most depress guy in the wourld.

I don't want to feel like this, I want to live an abundant life like Jesus offered... Sorry for putting God in everything... I just think that God is everything. 

On 03/07/2017 at 1:39 PM, LaLa said:

But there're also some other important question: What if your conviction was true? What would it mean to you if people were considering you "crazy or something"? And if you new for sure that they do think so, what would you do; would you change something?

Hmm... I don't know. I think that would change something for sure. Who would like to be with me? Who would like to talk with me? I think people would be scared of me and they would create a way to avoid me or deal with me somehow. And that would hurt me, being rejected from Society. I don't know. 

But I think it could be only my mind creating things. The mind can do powerful things. If it's not one thing is another... I think I create these mechanisms. When I was younger I thought I talked to much boob... 

I think I'm just complicated and I never had the courage to share things with people, because I was afraid of rejection or something.

On 03/07/2017 at 1:39 PM, LaLa said:

It's important because... it's possible that you won't never know (let's compare it to the most known case - infidelity: One can only proof infidelity, but never proof it's absence - it's the same with "harsh judgement of others about you") and this uncertainty could be really hurtful to you, unnecessarily! So the best thing you could do is not to care much about it and care only about the only thing you can influence and the only thing that matters in this regard: Your behaviour, values, ... - If you know what's "right", then do it and avoid what you consider really against your fundamental values - in other words, try to be the person you'd like to be ("a good guy"), not seeking the approval of others. Does it make sense to you? I'm not sure I'm explaining it well - it sounds a little clumsy to me...

Exactly! That's how I try to live my life. Makes sense to me. Just like I said before: only God can judge me, so I live to God not for others.

 

On 03/07/2017 at 1:39 PM, LaLa said:

The problem is only if you obsess about "not knowing, not being sure, being scared that it might be true". The problem isn't the uncertainty itself, because, as I said, you can never see into the minds of others, so... you can just live in a way that you "interact politely and correctly with them" and take into account only what people say and do to you, not "what they perhaps think". If this is such a problem for you that you cannot "function normally" (because you're too much preoccupied by the fear etc.), then it sounds like paranoia or obsession.

 Then I think I'm a little paranoid. I've been to some psycologists before, but I stopped. I'll search for one.

 

On 03/07/2017 at 1:39 PM, LaLa said:

What pills do you mean? (Vitamins are surely safe in this regard, so... what's the other-one?)

I took vitamins C, B12. Omega 3 and a one that is called man's pill which contains all the things the body needs for one day for a man. I took all these stuff and when I returned from my internship I went to the physician and the exams showed an abnormal level of testosterone in my body (way to high). But then after a couple of months. I've read in the internet that high testosterone can increase the risk of mental diseases... not sure though.

Thank you so much.

Best wishes.

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Hello, Vini, thanks for the clarifications! :)

Don't worry about when you reply - it's only up to you! (And I know it "from the other side" very well myself - I often procrastinate with writing and replying, even to close friends...)

Now it seems to me your main problems are your loneliness and your expectations of some sudden positive changes which don't arrive.

You have many serious questions related to you faith, as:

21 hours ago, Vini said:

Why is He letting this happen? I know I'm a sinner, but did I do something horrible to deserve it. My heart is just broken and I wish I could share it with someone I like, someone to be beside me when I need it.

Do you have the possibility to talk with your pastor / priest (-sorry, I don't know how he's called in your church) about these issues? It seems you haven't done it so far - is it because you expect rejection, misunderstanding, judgement? If he would react this way, it wouldn't be in accordance with the religious teachings, would it? (So you would have a just reason to go to another parish.)

Although a competent and understanding person from church would be ideal to talk with you about this, I'd like to write you at least that, as far as I know, there is not such a concept in Christianity as "you deserve the bad things that happen to you on Earth", that "they are a retaliation for what you did". I would rather recommended the questions "How have I myself directly contributed to some of these problems I have? What happened without my contribution = what I couldn't influence? What can I do to make my situation better?" (instead of "What have I done that I'm punished this way?").

You've already had the experience of a close relationship with a girlfriend, so you already know you're able to make such friendships you need and that there are people who could be your friends and/or partner(s). The problem is you're living a bit too isolated, probably meet always only the same people, ... so to meet your future friends and wife would probably need some more and new 'socialisation'. But you probably know this... - Here is one proof: 

21 hours ago, Vini said:

I think I'm just complicated and I never had the courage to share things with people, because I was afraid of rejection or something.

It reminds me of this talk - so often posted on this forum - have you watched it already?

So, yes; you're normal and it's never easy to make yourself vulnerable, but... it's necessary and it can be learned.

22 hours ago, Vini said:

But I think it could be only my mind creating things. The mind can do powerful things. If it's not one thing is another... I think I create these mechanisms.

You're right; mind is very powerful... and it's up to us to try to learn using its powers in a good way...

22 hours ago, Vini said:

[...] that would hurt me, being rejected from Society

 

It makes sense how you describe it. But... you say "society", while you're only talking about people going to the same church as you. Being rejected in one community doesn't mean to be rejected elsewhere. In some cases, such a rejection was a very good thing that happened in a person's life because it allowed big changes for better. I don't say you need to be rejected in you community! I'd just like to make you understand that even if that happened, it wouldn't mean a catastrophe and it could even be a beginning of positive change. So... does it now sound scary to the same extent as before?

Here are some videos about related topics, if you're interested:

 

 

22 hours ago, Vini said:

I took vitamins C, B12. Omega 3 and a one that is called man's pill which contains all the things the body needs for one day for a man.

I still don't think this is related to your mental problems, but... it sounds a little alarming to me. Do you have a normal, rather healthy diet = eating habits? If so, then taking vitamins in supplements isn't a good idea if you don't have a physical condition that requires them.

For instance; I know someone who got kidney-stones due to taking, for a few years, vitamin C almost every day. They say you need too high does for side effects, but if you're already (genetically, for instance) prone to some problems, then the doses in regularly sold supplements can be already too high for you. One text about the doest and symptoms: http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/nutrition-and-healthy-eating/expert-answers/vitamin-c/faq-20058030 

The vitamin B12 should be relatively safer that the C, but... even if not dangerous, it's probably totally unnecessary to take it in pills: http://www.newhealthguide.org/Vitamin-B12-Overdose.html

Focusing of a balanced healthy diet it much better for anyone that taking supplements (including the omega 3), because actual food brings you not only the vitamins, but also other things you need (fibre, for instance). Advertisements / publicities want to persuade us that we need pills because they want to sell them. But you may find many articles backed by health care professionals who explain why food is better (if you don't have a special condition), for instance:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/nutrition-and-healthy-eating/in-depth/supplements/art-20044894

http://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/should-you-get-your-nutrients-from-food-or-from-supplements

https://www.consumerlab.com/answers/Is+it+better+to+get+vitamins+from+foods+or+supplements%2C+and+are+natural+vitamins+better+than+synthetic+vitamins%3F/natural_vs_synthetic_vitamin/

22 hours ago, Vini said:

the exams showed an abnormal level of testosterone in my body (way to high). But then after a couple of months. I've read in the internet that high testosterone can increase the risk of mental diseases... not sure though.

What did the doctor say about your result? Couldn't you repeat the exam now, to know if it's a longterm issue? Because it might have been just a short, acute increase, or even an error of the test (it happens!!). Do you have some clear symptoms of too high testosterone? In any case, I would recommend you a repetition of the test and a consultation with a specialist in case the hormone is still too high.

 

Thanks for the wishes :) . Good luck to you! 

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