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Issues with friends


cqbrenner
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Hello Everyone,

This is my first time posting to this site. To give you a little background information, I am 30 years old and I am quite small. I am about 3.5 inches and it is something that has caused a lot of issues with me emotionally and socially. I have had 2 girlfriends in the past and the sex has never been a highlight of either one of those relationships. 

Anyways, to get back to my current issues...

About 6 months ago I found out that my crazy ex from a couple years ago told my closest friends that I am tiny. I know for a fact that she told them that I was small, but I do not know the details of what she said or exactly how she said it. I know she has some pictures of it to and I hope that she wasn't that mean to share those, but I wouldn't put it past her (she was the biggest mistake of my life). So about 6 months ago I started noticing some of my friends making small penis jokes indirectly around me or felt like some have been talking behind my back about it. It also seemed like I was being laughed at by my friends when I would pursue or talk to a girl when out or while dating. Now my group of friends consists of girls, guys, some married, and some single. The comments that have been said or things I have over heard has been extremely hurtful. They have been so hurtful that I even ran, physically ran away, from them while out at a party once. I have spent many nights after crying about the fact that I am small and now that my friends know my deepest secret that I spent almost 30 years hiding. 

The hardest part about all of this is that I have spent so many years being the stand up guy that I thought I was. I have always been a great friend to all of them and I have totally felt like complete crap after this. I feel like my self worth has been diminished because of my friends. I feel like they consider me a freak and they don't even want to hang out with me sometimes because of this. I have spent many dark days and nights wondering how to fix this and I cant think of anyway. I honestly hate myself because I have a small penis and I cant stand that my friends know that I am tiny. It has affected a lot of my life that every time I hang out with them, all I can think about is what they might be thinking about my size. If my friends laugh when I show up, I assume they are talking about my size. I once even think they told a girl I was talking to that I was tiny because she stopped talking to me instantly when one of my friends (who is a girl) talked with her. To put it simply, my confidence is shot and I am hurt that my friends know. Has anyone had this happen to them? I cant think of anyway to fix this and I really do not know what to do. 

Sorry if I rambled on...this is how my head seems to work lately. 

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Hello, CQ, welcome! :) 

To be honest, I'm always really disgusted by people who behave, talk (and thus think) as your "friends" and the case you described is even more outrageous than quite many I've read about so far. It's so stupid and hurtful and I cannot imagine how they may consider their "amusement" (?) to be more important than their friend's feelings. At the same time, wondering too much is too naive; many people are like this and they are probably too ignorant to give it a second thought to understand what they actually do - I suppose that some of them, if not all, would stop acting like that if they really understood the reality - your feelings and the absurd but real burden this issue is causing to you. (Yes, it's absurd, because caring about 'size' is totally absurd - there are so many much more important things in a relationship and this even shouldn't matter to a couple that is 'mature enough' (mainly emotionally and in the context of 'social / relational' skills) to form a strong partnership based on love, respect, and friendship.)

My first reaction to your situation was: You should find a good occasion when most of your friends will be there and make them a brief but very poignant "lecture" about how absurd their behaviour is - in a way that would make them feel very ashamed but that would present you as a confident person who can stand for himself, not be too hurt by such an idiotic behaviour (=theirs), but who has his limits and won't let himself "abuse" and can well articulate his point. You might also include there that you want to inform them about SPS because they never know if there isn't someone suffering from it around them when they're making a joke 'about size'. And ask them if they would make jokes about disabled people, for instance (-did they feel outraged when Trump mocked a disabled person, for instance? Good - then tell them they're doing something quite similar, although 'tiny size' doesn't mean any disability, but it's the same in the sense that it's innate and it can sometimes bring many problems to man's life - particularly because of jerks like they are, mainly when they become one's girlfriend...) You might also explain them that they are in fact bullies and ask them if it's really something they can accept about themselves.

But well; I know it's much easier written than done. Don't take it as an advise. 

For "real advise", I'd recommend you these articles:

http://www.life-with-confidence.com/friends-who-put-you-down.html

http://confidence.coach/stop-people-putting-you-down/

http://www.keepinspiring.me/a-7-step-approach-for-dealing-with-friends-who-drag-you-down/

They are very long, I know, and they don't talk about your particular problem, but I'm sure there are several paragraphs you could apply to your situation, so it's worth reading the whole texts and finding those.

I also recommend you this short video to accompany your reflections about your "friends":

 

Perhaps you could e-mail them this video and ask them what they consider to be the purpose of their friendship with you, because you've been wondering for some time already if it really was more than just having a "scapegoat" to mock and to feel "superior" around... + some personal reflections about your past and present views of your friendships with them. But that's just another fantasy of mine, sorry ;) .

Good luck!

 

Edited by LaLa
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@LaLa I think confronting his friends as a group is a mistake, because the truth is, they aren't his friends. I've had this exact thing happen to me and they're not worth the headache. And Trump didn't mock a disabled person, he did those exact hand gestures to describe someone as crazy when he was on The Apprentice, there are videos on YT of him doing those same gestures to numerous people who weren't disabled, you're watching too much CNN/MSNBC lol. I'm not a Trump supporter by any stretch, but if anyone has been attacked over a penis size guesstimate, it's him. That statue of him was insulting to men and the left lapped it up. @cqbrenner What you're going through is shit, but you're not alone. I had to find real friends in the end because if you read my old posts you'll see all my friends were pretty brutal. And being the butt of every joke eats away at you, but it can get better. Don't give up on yourself, you deserve to happy despite what some of your circle think. And if you do want to speak to them about your pain, then possibly speak to them separately. See who picks you up and who puts you down. Good luck, brother ☮

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@YOTH, no worries ;):D ! But thanks for the explanation in your second post anyway; I appreciate it!

Yes, I also think they are not friends - that's why I used the quotation marks for that word in my post.

And my fantasies weren't meant to "realize", as I mentioned; I described them to convey my personal feelings about such issues. I know that such immediate fantasies about dealing with a complicated situation aren't (usually) something to take advise from. But perhaps some of their aspects coud be inspirational for deeper and more "to the point" reflections. (As when you wrote that if one wants to speak about this topic, then separately, not to all of them together.) 

I regret mentioning Trump... Never a good idea... *sigh* (Anyway; just one remark: I've never been in the USA and I don't watch CNN/MSNBC ;) .)

Edited by LaLa
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Thank you for the great information. I guess I have some more reading to do. 

I have thought about confronting the ones that have been saying it and I have analyzed a million different ways to bring it up, but it is so hard to find the courage to do so. I want them to know how wrong it is for them to say these things and how much it really hurts me when they joke around. I feel like I am generally not a sensitive person, but this topic is such a hot button for me. I just wished they would live a day or two in my shoes with this issue. I wish they would experience the sexual humiliation that I have had to experience when trying to date a girl. I wish they could feel how I feel as an outsider to many people. And lastly I wish they could feel how I feel when the dark days get so dark that I have exhausted all of my motivation and self worth. I honestly dont wish what I have been through upon anyone, but if they could just get a small taste of my life, then maybe they would feel horrible for the things they say. 

What also hurts the most is that these people are supposed to be my friends. These are the people that are supposed to support me. These are the people that should be there for me when I am feeling this way. Why would someone have to ruin these types of friendships? I sometimes forget who I am pissed off the most at during this situation. I dont know if I am more pissed at my crazy ex for telling them or my friends for continuing to make fun of me. Sometimes I am pissed off at myself for even allowing things to get to this point. For once I felt like I was apart of the "popular" kids or the "cool" crowd. I hate to use those labels, but when you had a childhood like mine, you would understand. When I was with my friends, I felt invisible and I was loving life. And now I am so disgusted with them that I feel like I will never be able to experience those relationships anymore. 

Sorry! I am rambling on again. If at most I get some relief by venting to you all...I thank you all for a kind ear. 

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@LaLa I don't know why I enjoy American politics, it's like a soap or something lol. I haven't got the first clue about British politics but US politics is really entertaining. I'm a big TV watcher and I loved the original apprentice, so I supported Trump from the off. People called me crazy and a moron for a while, then he gained momentum. Then he won and I became a bigoted, misogynist, racist troglodyte, apparently. Fun times :)@cqbrenner Rant away cq, you can't post too much in here, just say what you need to. I had friends like this and I pretty much hid behind booze and drugs, plus I was kind of quick witted and cruel and became an expert in deflection to others, but that eats you up inside and gnaws away at your soul. Booze and weed made me ignore a lot of that shit, but not all of it. There is a novels worth of embarrassing moments and shitty throw away comments people have made. One thing I learned from it all (eventually) was compassion. If someone makes fun of another's short comings, then they feel miserable themselves. Nobody and I literally mean nobody makes somebody feel weak so they can temporarily feel strong if they're truly at peace. 

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cq, I wouldn't call your posts "rambling" ;) . You describe your thoughts and feelings concisely.  It's always good to get out of your chest what's hurting or bothering you! And I appreciate a lot that you're not somehow revengeful and wish the others only few days in your shoes, not all their life.

Based on what I sometimes read on the SPS forum, it seems that this kind of attitude (and "jokes") is widely spread :( . (BUT it may be just a bias created by the fact that those who post here about it are people suffering from SPS. For instance, I personally don't know anybody who would say such a joke or said anything about it, while I new a guy who used to say about himself "publicly" (-around friends, but not just the closesed-ones) that he's "small" and we laughed a bit only because of his own funny way to comment it: "But a hummingbird is a skilful little bird!") So your "friends" are probably not "special" / "extraordinary vicious"; they are just very conformist and "tribal"; they enjoy the "appartenance to those who can laugh at the same thing" more than they think about the broader context of such "humour". But even though we cannot say they're "particularly vicious", it doesn't meant they are "the right people for you to be friends with" and that you should try to find a way to "keep" them. Or do you think such a loss would be worse for you than the suffering you're undergoing due to them?

Have you found something insightful in the articles I posted?

I've found also this one: https://www.wakeupcloud.com/outgrowing-your-friends/ - the comments below might be also interesting, the first, for instance, put well the same ideas I wanted to write to you in this post:

Quote

The thing is, when you are small you are put in a school with a bunch of people. You make friends with these people because you are around them, not necessarily because they are similar to you.

Since I finished school and ventured out into the real world I’ve lost touch with pretty much all my old friends, simply because I cannot relate to them any more. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, growth is good and I like my journey, so friends will come and go, but real friends that align with you will always stay.

You wrote:

11 hours ago, cqbrenner said:

What also hurts the most is that these people are supposed to be my friends. These are the people that are supposed to support me. These are the people that should be there for me

Yes, these are justified demands to friends. But... the key here seem to be the verb "suppose": You've supposed it, because until recently, you wasn't in a situation where it could be properly tested. (There are too many quotes about this for me to choose one - have a glimpse yourself ;) : you know your friends when quotes ) I don't belittle the situation; I know it's painful :( . But I think it's better to realize that you need better friends than to painfully try to somehow get back to the previous feeling/impression that your friends are "the right" people for you and they "should" do what good friends do... What do you think?

(I've also found a book about hurting friendships - here are some pages available, in case you'd like to have a look: https://books.google.ca/books?id=z_UGTiwvyUYC&pg=PA35&lpg=PA35&dq=how+to+decide+if+abandon+a+friend&source=bl&ots=aLZM7mTPJ7&sig=DQHPiohMA8y-rlOd5JEkB1FodT0&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiDvbr1gP_UAhUr4oMKHePvC5oQ6AEIWTAI#v=onepage&q&f=false)

 

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That sucks about your situation with your "friends". I have always remembered something my dad told me when I mentioned that all I seem to do is meet crazy chicks when I was single. He said "maybe it's the people you're hanging around with" now, I know it's not the same topic as your going through but, it can easily be put into it. The people you're hanging out with, if true friends wouldn't be so demeaning towards your situation. I took a hard look at the friends I had around me and I changed it. Granted I still have issues, as we all do, but I have a way more supportive group of friends then I did before. Same thing happened when I split with my ex wife. I lost a bunch of friends. Kept very few, and for some friends almost start over and build our friendship up again. Keep around who you want and supports you. 

Feel free to message me if you'd like as well. I know I'm not on here as much as some others, but I'll always get back to you. You've got friends here!

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I'd heard this song many times before, but this time it made me think of you and others in a similar situation / with similar girlfriends. Although it's not "about the problem with size", it's about painful aspects of relationships, so I imagine some of you here might like it (?):

(The lyrics are under the video.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYaRpBAvESg

 

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I can't really add much more than what others have said, but I can say that I've been through the exact same situation as you. Had a g/f, we had mutual friends, we broke up, she told the biggest mouth bitch of the group and then it was all over the place. Now I handled it a bit different. She didn't have any pics of my small guy, so I just denied it and offered to whip it out for anyone who wanted to see. I called their bluff, and of course they all said "no, don't do that". But I realized that these people were NOT my friends, and I cut them out of my life. I went on to get married. Now, that didn't exactly work out but it had nothing to do with my small penis. I tell you that because we all should realize that there are women out there who don't care about size. They are indeed more difficult to find, but they are out there. It's been my experience that it's best to be upfront about your size before any sexual activity occurs. That eliminates a lot of awkwardness, for you and her. I know how much situations like these suck, I know how frustrating/angry/sad/lonely, etc etc it can be. Just make up your mind that the size of your penis does not define you as a man and as a human being, because it doesn't. 

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My guy. Sorry you're dealing with such disgusting people. I've cut people off for far less than what you've shared. What exactly is the point of hanging out with people that don't even respect you? Hell I wouldn't even bother explaining myself, I'd just get on with my life like I never knew them. They've shown you their true colours. They are not friends. They never were. 

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On 09/07/2017 at 8:56 PM, cqbrenner said:

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time posting to this site. To give you a little background information, I am 30 years old and I am quite small. I am about 3.5 inches and it is something that has caused a lot of issues with me emotionally and socially. I have had 2 girlfriends in the past and the sex has never been a highlight of either one of those relationships. 

Anyways, to get back to my current issues...

About 6 months ago I found out that my crazy ex from a couple years ago told my closest friends that I am tiny. I know for a fact that she told them that I was small, but I do not know the details of what she said or exactly how she said it. I know she has some pictures of it to and I hope that she wasn't that mean to share those, but I wouldn't put it past her (she was the biggest mistake of my life). So about 6 months ago I started noticing some of my friends making small penis jokes indirectly around me or felt like some have been talking behind my back about it. It also seemed like I was being laughed at by my friends when I would pursue or talk to a girl when out or while dating. Now my group of friends consists of girls, guys, some married, and some single. The comments that have been said or things I have over heard has been extremely hurtful. They have been so hurtful that I even ran, physically ran away, from them while out at a party once. I have spent many nights after crying about the fact that I am small and now that my friends know my deepest secret that I spent almost 30 years hiding. 

The hardest part about all of this is that I have spent so many years being the stand up guy that I thought I was. I have always been a great friend to all of them and I have totally felt like complete crap after this. I feel like my self worth has been diminished because of my friends. I feel like they consider me a freak and they don't even want to hang out with me sometimes because of this. I have spent many dark days and nights wondering how to fix this and I cant think of anyway. I honestly hate myself because I have a small penis and I cant stand that my friends know that I am tiny. It has affected a lot of my life that every time I hang out with them, all I can think about is what they might be thinking about my size. If my friends laugh when I show up, I assume they are talking about my size. I once even think they told a girl I was talking to that I was tiny because she stopped talking to me instantly when one of my friends (who is a girl) talked with her. To put it simply, my confidence is shot and I am hurt that my friends know. Has anyone had this happen to them? I cant think of anyway to fix this and I really do not know what to do. 

Sorry if I rambled on...this is how my head seems to work lately. 

I would find new friends . People that do that to you are not true friends.

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On 10/07/2017 at 5:03 AM, cqbrenner said:

Thank you for the great information. I guess I have some more reading to do. 

I have thought about confronting the ones that have been saying it and I have analyzed a million different ways to bring it up, but it is so hard to find the courage to do so. I want them to know how wrong it is for them to say these things and how much it really hurts me when they joke around. I feel like I am generally not a sensitive person, but this topic is such a hot button for me. I just wished they would live a day or two in my shoes with this issue. I wish they would experience the sexual humiliation that I have had to experience when trying to date a girl. I wish they could feel how I feel as an outsider to many people. And lastly I wish they could feel how I feel when the dark days get so dark that I have exhausted all of my motivation and self worth. I honestly dont wish what I have been through upon anyone, but if they could just get a small taste of my life, then maybe they would feel horrible for the things they say. 

What also hurts the most is that these people are supposed to be my friends. These are the people that are supposed to support me. These are the people that should be there for me when I am feeling this way. Why would someone have to ruin these types of friendships? I sometimes forget who I am pissed off the most at during this situation. I dont know if I am more pissed at my crazy ex for telling them or my friends for continuing to make fun of me. Sometimes I am pissed off at myself for even allowing things to get to this point. For once I felt like I was apart of the "popular" kids or the "cool" crowd. I hate to use those labels, but when you had a childhood like mine, you would understand. When I was with my friends, I felt invisible and I was loving life. And now I am so disgusted with them that I feel like I will never be able to experience those relationships anymore. 

Sorry! I am rambling on again. If at most I get some relief by venting to you all...I thank you all for a kind ear. 

You will find new friends, start with people on here.

In me you have a friend, I havent met you but I know your pain..I will be your ally ...your brother.

I have trusted men and women as friends and ended up wanting myself dead. This is crazy because im only 30.

Please message me CQ Brenner I am your friend..dont lose hope :)

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