I suffer tremendously

[emed27]

Hello everyone, I've written here before, its been a while but I guess I just feel the need to vent a little since I keep everything so bottled in. Talking to people about penis size insecurity and other sexual problems in general are not something u can casually talk to about with a friend or family member. Heck; it's even hard to talk about it with my therapist!

I myself suffer with a "small penis". Iam only 1 inch flaccid and 4.7 erect (yes I measured it to the decimal lol) and 4.5 in girth. The thing is, I always try to make myself feel better by telling myself, " well, Iam ALMOST average" or "Iam not THAT bad". But then I hear stories on this site about people who are 5 or 5.5 and even 6 inches and they still get rediculed and humiliated by others . It's like, even if God would to answer my prayers and by some kind of miracle wake up with an extra inch and a half, or maybe even just 1 inch and be "statistically average" I'll STILL be living with a small penis.

But that's not the only sexual related problem I have. I also have a rare condition called "sexual anhedonia" which means I can not feel pleasure from my orgasms. Yeah, that's right. I ejaculate and i feel absolutely nothing. That alone has caused me great distress and depression since it happened 7 years ago when i was 17. I actually don't even feel sexuaI attraction at all since that happened. Before I was extremely attracted to men and was honey wvet single day and would masterbate my pain away. Now I don't have that: I actually don't feel any sexual pleasure at all: that includes stimulating and especially ejaculation. I literally stimulate myself , ejaculate and feel nothing. Can u imagine as a man not being able to feel sex? I can't even masterbate anymore because it feels like nothing. Which sucks because before that happened, my orgasms were everything to me. I suffer with severe mental disorders so I remember my orgasms were my way of escaping from the pain and mental anguish i was going through. I can't even remember what an orgasm feels like to be honest, I just remember it was an amazing and electrifying feeling that pushed all my problems and stress away for a brief moment. Now I don't have that. I have nothing but the anguish that comes from my mental illness, small penis, and my inability to get turned on and feel my orgasms. I also have trouble most of the times tasting my food. I can't really feel pleasure from food after I stopped feeling sexual pleasure. I've got an mri done on my brain recently and every thing came back normal son my therapist said it was all mental.

AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT, Iam also a virgin with an std. yeah, u heard right, that may sound crazy and impossible but it's true. Once I stopped feeling sexual pleasure from my penis when I was 17, I was determined to try to feel some sort of sexual gratification, so for about a year and a half i manually stimulated my anal area in hopes of feeling some sort of pleasure from there. By me doing that, I gave myself anal warts (genital warts in my anal area) . Iam assuming I probably had some kind of wart in my finger that I didn't know about and throught rubbing my anus for that long period of time i most likely transferred the wart virus from my finger to my anal area. That has to be the only reason I contracted it. I've never done anything. I'm a virgin and have been so careful about abstaining from sex for fear of contracting an std (my penis insecurity was also and still is a big reason why I've abstained btw). It was the most devestaing feeling when my dermatologist looked at me and said "this is an std, and you will carry this virus for the rest of your life, so I would just be responsible and tell potential partners before a sexual encounter" my heart litterly dropped and I felt completely overwhelmed with emotion because I've never done ANYTHING sexual! I didn't even mention to her that I was a virgin because I felt like she wouldnt believe me. It's also frustrating when I hear people say that a finger wart can never transfer and turn into genital warts" Ive had some doctors say that it can, but most of them are oblivious and just say "no thats impossible" I can tell u right now that it's very possible and Iam a perfect example. It's not fair. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I was just rubbing my anal area in hopes of possibly feeling some sort of pleasure since the pleasure in my penis stopped. I was essentially masterbating my ass (as gross as that sounds, but i was desperate to try to feel something) and it's just not fair because I've always heard that masterbating was the "safest" way to experience sexual pleasure and one wouldn't have to worry about catching any type of infection. It's just not fair man! The anguish that comes with this and everything else is just unbearable sometimes.

I actually wrote a whole paragraph about my whole " virgin with an std" on this site using a different name. I felt emberasssed and didn't want anyone to known the guy with the tiny penis also has an std that he gave to himself. So if you run across anrandom article on this site about "a virgin with anal warts", that was me lol. Sorry for not being totally honest and making a fake profile just to post that story, I guess was just kind of emberesed to write it under this profile i suppose.

On top of THAT, i also suffer with schizophrenia and other forms of mental illness. I don't hear voices or hear things, but I just have a complete deluded and distorted thought process. I started having severe schizophrenia symptoms when i was 16 and it just intensified when I stopped feeling my orgasms at 17 and it got even worse when i was diagnosed with genital warts that i gave to myself and it got EVEN MORE worse when I realized I had a tiny penis. I just don't see the point of living, I can't feel sexual pleasure, I have an infant sized penis; I have no sex drive nor sexual attraction towards men or women anymore (porn doesn't even get me excited since the incident happens when I was 17). I have a life long std that I gave to myself. Also,  Along with sexual anhedonia, i also have regular anhedonia. ( anhedonia basically means "the inability to feel pleasure") As in I can't feel pleasure in anything: music, tv, work, sports; reading, movies; spending time with family. NOTHING. Sometimes I feel like I don't even love my family. I also feel like I have some sort of split personality disorder. I don't know who iam. My voice and personality changes through out the day and sometimes i don't even know who I truly am. I guess that's just a symptom of mental illness that most of u wouldn't understand.

And this tiny penis thing just makes everything much worse. But even if it wasn't tiny, I'll still have to deal with my sexual anhedonia so I won't be able to feel anything anyway. Life sucks. I'll be 25 this December and i think Iam just finally gonna end it. I don't think I can bare to live with the anguish of all these disorders and dysfunctions that I have.

And on top of that; my name is "Ernie"! Do u know how nerdy; geeky and emberrasing it is foing through life as an "Ernie"? Lol ah man Iam laughing but this is serious. All of this is serious. I don't know what to do. I reallly want to end my life by the end of this year but Iam scared. Life just isn't fair for some people man. Don't know why I have to go through all this: I've gone through it my whole life and I just don't see it getting better.

sorry for the long vent. You guys probably won't even take the time to read this whole essay I just wrote; but it if u did, some feed back might make me feel better. A small penis is really the worse thing that can happen to a mans ego and self esteem.

[Victimorthecrime]

There is nothing wrong w the name Ernest or Ernie at all.  Very solid, very masculine, I would take it over some of the names they give guys these days.  

The rest of your story sounds rough.  All I can say is keep seeking treatment and hope for a breakthrough.  

Life can be brutal. I feel your pain there.  The only reason I continue is that I figure I will be dead for long enough so why not let it play out.  

Wishing you the best.  Feel free to speak.  Most people here have been through hell too.  

[IrmaJean]

You've been through a lot, emed.

I have a similar sort of issue from nerve damage and I also don't feel physical sexual sensations. I'm not sure how the logistics work specifically for men...You mentioned having an mri done, but have all possible physical causes been ruled out? Also, I think there are rarely clear cut and simple explanations; there could be a combination of factors involved. Even if this is related to your mental health, it is a very real problem for you. I think it makes sense that you also feel a lack of attraction and/or desire now. I believe that part of this could be a conditioned response to the now expected lack of sensations. Possibly as you care for yourself both physically and mentally, things may change or improve in time? I would recommend getting different opinions from professionals as well.

I have two middle names and one in particular that I dislike (Ida, blah). I like the name Ernie, but if you don't feel comfortable with it, perhaps you could asked to be called by a middle name instead?

I'm sorry that living life is so painful and difficult for you at this time. I hope you continue to seek out help and that your situation improves. We are here to listen when you need support. I also wish you the best.

[YOTH]

That sounds rough, Emed. I was once on medication that took away my orgasm and I came off it immediately, so I can't imagine how tough it'd be if that was permanent. Have you toyed with tweaking your medications (if you're on any) to see if they're the cause? The anal warts thing is a real kick in the teeth, but how were you to know? Could have happened to any of us. And Ernie is an ok name, Ernie Wise is one of my favourite comedians, Ernie Ball guitar strings are great too, but if the name is really getting you down, pick one you like and change it, nothing wrong with that. You're among friends here anyway.

[LaLa]

Emed, I second what others have written, but I would also like to propose you to try a potential solution: some version of buddhism. It really sounds ideal for you, at least to me. Look at the very basics (which may sound weird without explanation):

Quote

THE FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS:

1) All is suffering (dukkha).

2) Suffering is caused by desire/attachment.

3) If one can eliminate desire/attachment, one can eliminate suffering.

4) The Noble Eight-fold Path can eliminate desire. Extremes of excessive self-indulgence (hedonism) and excessive self-mortification should be avoided.

You might be predisposed to be more / faster successful in achieving the goals than others who are too strongly attached to different pleasures. In any case, buddhism could show you the way to alleviate your suffering by getting rid of the (unfulfillable) desires and (pain-causing) attachements you still have.

You might try to start here, for instance: 

https://www.bltc.com/buddhism-suffering.html

https://www.reddit.com/r/Buddhism/comments/gemzt/has_anyone_found_buddhism_useful_for_dealing_with/

https://www.lionsroar.com/ask-the-teachers-26/

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/32895535-why-buddhism-is-true / http://whybuddhismistrue.net/?page_id=73

Don't give it up; there's help for you, there are ways to alleviate the suffering and make your life much more bearable, despite all the painfulness...

Take care!

 

[Victimorthecrime]

A long time ago I was really really really into Buddhism.  I still hold it in high regard but have strayed far off the path.  

Another idea I would offer Emed is to find something you enjoy and just do that one thing. It could be computers, travel, animals, health, money, religion, gardening, music, etc whatever but make that your life.  Just a thought.  In hindsight it is something I wish I had done.  

[YOTH]

@Victimorthecrime I was the same, I still enjoy reading books on Buddhism if I'm in the mood but generally read other texts. Ajahn Brahm was my favourite, his YT videos are great. The spiritual side is also great, but it is a religion, and although I'm eternally grateful for that first step I follow a slightly different path, mainly because the prayers and offering got a bit much and I stopped enjoying it. Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching is something I'm really enjoying atm. All the Tao and good feelings, generating a loving heart etc without all the ripening karma a lot of Buddhists are always telling me about. Most Buddhists are great, but the community lends itself to the more hardcore practicioner. I've worked in a Buddhist village community for about 5 years now and they're the loveliest people on earth, but they're still people. Took me a long time to realise that a pedestal is no place to put a person, nun, monk or otherwise, but I did and it bit me on the ass. We're all on that path tbh and really never leave it. I feel if I do the Tao now and do one thing a day for others, even if it's a thought of positivity, I'm doing what's natural to my true self and it just keeps my feet on the path. I worry a little less these days and live with a bit more mental comfort, but I'm only human so it's peaks and troughs.

[Victimorthecrime]

I read Alan Watts, Ram Dass, Christmas Humphries, DT Suzuki, Ken Wilbur, zen flesh zen bones. I used to go to a New Age group that leaned heavily toward Buddhism.  

I guess my downfall was trying to put it to use in real life, although I will still do a mini meditation at my desk or in the car.  I thought I found something of real value but life was just kick in the balls after another.  I guess the bottom line is "whatever works" and for me it means looking down the road always or my mind falls into shit. 

Do you earn a living working in a Buddhist village community?  What is it, maintenance work?  Sounds pretty cool.  

[emed27]

Thank u guys all for the responses. It means a lot to have some type of support from some one. Although i have many MANY problems that cause complete depression and anguish, right now the one that's been hitting me is the small penis issue. It's wierd. I feel like every other month or so my brain picks one issue over all the others to dwell on. Last month the anal warts thing was the one that really got me down, the month before it was my inability to orgasm that hit me like a ton of bricks, and now it's my penis insecurity. Which i know a lot of people in this site could relate to. (Unlike my other issues)

I just don't know how to deal with having a small penis man. It emotionally hurts so bad. Just hearing guys talking about "smashing" girls, having casual hook ups and even seeing them being in a loving relationship hurts me because I know I can never have that due to my size. Recently I went to a strip club with some friends and it sucked that everyone was going into a private rooms getting a lap dance and I couldn't cuz I know she would probably try to grind on me or maybe even pull it out  and she would see I was infant sized. My therapist keeps telling me that Iam "not small" and I'm perfectly "normal", but that is just not true. You nor anyone out there can tell me that a 4 and a half inch penis "isn't small". It's just the facts of life. I'm statistically below average and let's be honest, even the average is pretty small (5.5) , although i would still do anything to be 5.5. I think me and my friends are going to a strip club again this weekend and I think Iam just gonna sit back and watch all the guys there with the average to big size penises get lap dances while I sit back and dwell on my lack of endownment.

Sometimes i wonder how different my life would have been if I was just an inch and a half bigger. If I were at least in the "6 inch range". I'm not asking for a huge penis, but an average normal sized 6-6.5 penis would have been great. Sometimes to make myself feel better I pretend that I have a 3 inch flaccid penis and a 6.5 erect one. I litterly try to go walk around all day with that mind set and i feel a bit better. Then I realize the reality and it all comes crashing down. 

I have a question for u guys; how do u guys deal with being small? Emotionally I mean. Does it hurt you like a ton off bricks hit you right in the gut like it does me? Do u find yourself wanting to cry sometimes? And what do u guys do to make yourself feel better regarding that topic ?  I was watching the movie "friends with benifits" with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis and it really got me sad knowing that i can never experience a fun and exciting experience like that for multiple reasons. There was even a scene when Justin timber lake pulled down his under wear and she smirked and said "Hmm, I could work with what". That would never happen to me. Iam freaken hunk like a 1 year old. But again, that's just one of the many issues I deal with and it just freaken suuuuuuuuucks ! ?

[emed27]

And I will definitely look into that whole buhduism thing. It sound interesting. Thank you so much LaLa for the recommendation. Really appreciate it ?

[LaLa]

You're welcome @emed27. I hope it will bring you at least some peace of mind. BTW; I don't recommend buddhism as a religion at all, only as a philosophy, a worldview, and a set of rules / guidelines that can help to achieve some goals.

What can usually help me (although I cannot really compare myself with you; your suffering sounds much worse ) is focusing on a new intellectual or 'art-consuming' passion. Perhaps learning about this topic could play this role for you (?). 

If you like podcasts, you can use, for instance, this websites with dialogues about many topics often related to buddhism and / or meditation (they post videos as well as podcasts of the interviews, so you have always a choice) - you might try these, to begin:

http://meaningoflife.tv/videos/38678

http://meaningoflife.tv/videos/38900

http://meaningoflife.tv/videos/38956

Good luck!!

[YOTH]

@Victimorthecrime It was a voluntary deal, but it recently closed down. I feel a bit lost tbh, although the religion wasn't for me (not for lack of trying) it was my home and my family and I loved being there. I was a jack of all trades really, anything from fixing the ever breaking everything to cleaning the place amongst other things. It had become a real hub that I'd grown accustomed to. If I sound a little bitter towards the religious aspect it's because I kind of am. A long standing nun left and a new nun shut it down to the public except classes and prayers, it kind of scooped out the life and left a learning husk. It's been a bitter pill to swallow but I'm getting there. But LaLa is right, as a philosophy, you'd be hard pressed to find a better one, especially when dealing with these issues, I owe a lot to it. 

I know how you're feeling Emed, and admittedly you're suffering on a few different fronts, and it sounds hard going. Just a thought, and ignore it if I'm way off. But if you know that these things are off the table for the time being, maybe you could accumulate a new mind set that focuses on the things you can do. There are people out there in the world just waiting for you to turn up, I really believe that. You sound like a decent guy, and nobody deserves to go through this shit. I hope it gets better for you, I'm sure it will.