Feeling Suicidal Over Sexual Shame and Guilt

[Abithe246]

Hi,

I am writing this because I have been consumed by guilt and shame over something TERRIBLE that I did.  Before I go into detail about what I did, I would like to share some information about myself that may be useful in understanding  my situation here.  I’m a straight male, currently 17, and in my senior year of high school.  I was raised in an upper middle class family by two loving and supportive parents, (I’m an only child).  I’ve always had a pretty great and care-free life, at least until the summer before 8th grade.  This was the summer that my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I still remember the terrible feeling I got; that my world was being torn apart, when my parents sat me down and told me.  I had never really had anything bad happen to me before this.  Also adding to my stress, that year I got REALLY bad cystic acne that totally demolished my self-esteem, as well as any confidence I had with girls.  As if it wasn’t bad enough, this was also the year I discovered internet pornography, I quickly became addicted.  As time went on, my addiction grew stronger and my mother grew weaker.  My addiction took up time that I SHOULD have spent with my dying mother.   But no, I was too stupid to put aside my addiction.  Then, my sophomore year, my mother died.  I remember being picked up from school by my Uncle, they pulled me out of my 3rd period. I knew it was my mom before they told me why I was leaving.  I got home and my dad told me her body was shutting down.  I broke down and started sobbing.  I walked up the stairs and stopped at the top trying to stop crying so I could be strong in front of her.  I walked into her room and saw her laying in the bed.  Her eyes were closed and I realized how weak she was.  I hugged her and she held me, she was barely able to whisper “it’s ok.” I broke down in tears again, and as she held me I felt like a scared little kid again.  After she died, I realized how short life was and how badly I wanted to stop my addiction.  Unfortunately it only got worse.  The only positive side of this story is that my acne has almost gone away, and I actually think I’m somewhat attractive now.  I’ve grown more confident with girls and a some have even told me they find me attractive, but I still have never had a girlfriend.  Now here’s  where I REALLY fucked up.  Toward the end of my junior year (around April) I started reading these fictional sexual stories online about adults having sex with underage kids.  Let me say that I’m NOT attracted to kids and would NEVER accept behavior like this in real life.  The only reason I could get off on these stories was due to the taboo nature. It was wrong, I knew that, and it made it exciting.  Then over the summer, I did something even worse.  I looked up pictures of little girls (usually around 10) and masturbated to them.  I did this a few times.  It WAS NOT child porn.  Just pictures of young girls I found on images, not sexual in nature.  I could never watch child porn and the thought makes me want to vomit.  I knew it was wrong and yet I did  it anyways.  I stopped, and haven’t done it in months, but now that I reflect on my actions I am absolutely appalled that I did something like this. I feel like a total monster.  I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be alive, and I would honestly kill myself but I don’t want to do that to my dad, he’s lost too much already.  Even though I’ve never viewed CP, I feel guilt like I have.  Even though I’ve never molested anyone nor wanted to, I feel guilty like I have.  I don’t know how I was OK with doing these things, and am unsure why I am just now realizing how wrong it was. Not to mention I think one of the pictures was of a girl around 6.  I’ve struggled with social anxiety and depression  before I did these disgusting things , but my shame has exacerbated these issues.  I’ve self harmed before as well, both as a release of emotion and as self-punishment for what I’ve done.  I’m not a pedophile but have been comparing myself to them.  I’ve been getting a LOT of instrusive thoughts and cannot stop obsessing about my mistakes.  I’ve broken down in tears and have come close to a panic attack on multiple occasions due to my shame and guilt.  Had I done these bad things when I was younger, (like 13) I would have been able to forgive myself, as I would’ve thought it to be sexual experimentation. But since I’m 17, this is not an excuse.  I CANNOT move past this and whenever someone is talking to me or says I am a good person all I can think is

”if you knew what I’ve done you’d want to kill me”.

 I want to get a girlfriend, get married, and have kids, but I fear confessing these things to her someday.  Had it been a “normal” porn addiction, I wouldn’t have as much shame, but because I read these stories and looked at these pictures, it’s not “normal”.  It’s despicable.  I’ve read a lot about OCD and obsessive/intrusive thoughts lately, and thought maybe that’s why I’m feeling guilty. Then I remember that I actually DID something, which is different than just having a thought.  I want to die. Please help. 

PS sorry about the long post I just really had to get this off my chest.

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to our community, Abithe246. Losing a parent may well be one of the most difficult life experiences we go through as humans. It's hard to go through this kind of loss at any age. For you, you lost your mom when you were a young teenager. This must have been so hard on you. I'm so very sorry for your loss. 

Abithe, I hope that you can be compassionate and gentle with yourself. You're still finding your way and trying to navigate through some painful life experiences. I think many of us do things during our lifetime that we wish we hadn't. I hope you can care for yourself now. Imagine if a good friend of yours had gone through a similar experience, how would you respond to and care for him?

Do you have someone there who you are able to share with and confide in? Maybe your father would take you to see a therapist if you asked him? 

It's good that you reached out. This is one way to begin caring for yourself. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. We're here to listen if it helps to express yourself. Care to you.

[LovingTheAlien]

Don't go and see anyone, don't tell your dad, just let it go. You're not a pedo, you just made a mistake brought on in part by the passing of your mother which skewed your moral compass slightly. And those stupid erotic stories opened a door temporarily you can now close for good. You're not evil, you're not bad, you were just wrong. As someone who was abused as a kid, I can tell you now, it isn't you. You understand what you did was harmful and you want to change your pattern of thought and behaviour, and that's what you can now do. Don't waste your life dwelling on this momentary lapse of judgement. Go live your life, get good grades or a good job and go enjoy what little childhood you have left. The more you dwell on these things the worse you'll become and the more you'll identify with the mind that made the decision. I took a long time to forgive people for what I couldn't stop, but I did it for myself. Forgive yourself for this and go enjoy your life the way your mother would have wished you to when she was alive. 

[Powerhouse8000]

You're 17. That means you have your whole adult life ahead of you to look forward to. As such, committing suicide is a really bad idea.

The loss of your mother must have been hard. I've experienced the same thing myself so can relate there. It is very difficult to lose a parent at a relatively young age.

But honestly, nothing that you have done is even that bad or even illegal. My advice would be to try and forget about it. In the long run, it won't even matter at all.

Don't even think about it - by thinking about it all the time, you are making it more important than it actually is. Find something else more interesting to think about or find a hobby or whatever. Just don't dwell on it because it's not worth it.

[Victimorthecrime]

Abethe246 - I am many years older than you so trust me when I say this - if this is the worse thing you do in your life you are a saint.  You didn't break any laws, you didn't hurt anyone.  

The world of fantasy is up for grabs. Just because you fantasize about something does not necessarily mean you want it to happen.  

I go through the same thing as you. I have regrets and beat the hell out of myself.  And yet I know I have done much more good than bad and have never really hurt anyone.  

[Abithe246]

On 11/6/2017 at 9:24 AM, Powerhouse8000 said:

You're 17. That means you have your whole adult life ahead of you to look forward to. As such, committing suicide is a really bad idea.

The loss of your mother must have been hard. I've experienced the same thing myself so can relate there. It is very difficult to lose a parent at a relatively young age.

But honestly, nothing that you have done is even that bad or even illegal. My advice would be to try and forget about it. In the long run, it won't even matter at all.

Don't even think about it - by thinking about it all the time, you are making it more important than it actually is. Find something else more interesting to think about or find a hobby or whatever. Just don't dwell on it because it's not worth it.

Thanks for your reply, 

I try not to think about it but it seems like the memory of what I did always finds its way back to me somehow and I am overcome by an uncontrollable feeling of guilt.  I am planning on seeing a therapist soon for some other issues I have regarding my social anxiety/depression- I think I might mention my guilt as well and see if I can get some help. Thanks again

[Powerhouse8000]

No one else even knows about it anyway, so who's going to judge you for it?

I have things that I do online that no one else knows about that I wouldn't want my family, friends, employers etc finding out about and honestly I couldn't give much of a shit.

Honestly my best advice is to find something more interesting to do or think about as it's really not that important.

[u.r.what.u.is]

Sexual impulses can really run away without us.  You have to step back and say, no effing way, I'll never go there... And furthermore, since you'll never do it, stop wasting precious time imagining it.  Just drop it like a hot potato and start thinking about women (or men, whatever) your age.  Let the kids in those photos have their childhood like we did.  Don't beat yourself up for where your libido goes, just make sure you stand up and overrule it when it goes to shitty places.