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don't understand myself


turtleear
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I don't understand what's going on with me anymore, I definitely have depression but I don't know if it's even just depression. Maybe it's part of having trauma. Maybe I'm just messed up to no end.

I probably dissociate a lot but it's safe to me and if I were to tell my therapist might want me to quit doing it... my memory is absolute crap so it probably could help, but I don't have any safe ways to cope. The only way that always gets me back to my normal is self harm... it's like a reset button. And I pretty much have to do it when I'm void of emotions even though I should have them, or there's way too many for me to handle....

I just feel really messed up, and it doesn't help with how EVERY TIME I've tried to keep a journal it gets destroyed within a few weeks. Yes, it's me that would have destroyed it, but it's so cut off that I don't really understand. I've tried to do a journal so many times and then it's just futile. That's part of what messes with me when it comes to trying to understand what the heck is going on in my head, cause it's messed up to do stuff like that without remembering much or whatever....

and that just makes me want to hurt myself to no end because I apparently can't do something basic to help me understand stuff going on.... but I don't like the self harm at all it's annoying and gets in the way because if I miss hiding it at all I have to quickly figure out a response at someone asking, like going "woah I didn't think that left a mark!"...

I wish it stopped there but when I push away from doing self harm, I get closer to just doing an attempt. And the stupid thing with that is every time I've tried, within 5 to 10 minutes I'm practically falling asleep. So that just points to me being messed up as well. I can't even do something basic enough to make me sick or hurt longer than with just self harm.

It's stupid. I want to 'get better' but that apparently doesn't exist for me. I want to 'die or get worse' and that flops. I'm basically trapped in this cycle of life saying "screw you" cause it doesn't want me here either but apparently can't let me go..

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Welcome, turtleear. You are going through a lot. :( Has therapy been helpful in any way? Self-harm has been one way you have been coping. Has anything else ever been helpful to you? Have you tried sitting with yourself through these moments? Maybe ask yourself.. What do I feel? What do I need? Deep breathing? Vigorous exercise?

I understand that it can be very difficult to stop self-harming behaviors. :-( Right now, it feels as if there is no way to 'get better'. I hope that one day soon you see some light on the path to feeling better. I want to offer my care and support to you.

 

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Therapy helps a good bit kinda, we're basically piecing together how everything fit together so I can understand it better. I don't know of anything that has consistently helps, when I haven't been able to get relief from anything I know is when it leads to just using self harm. I don't just self harm the instant I feel the urge to as that would cause me to just go back to it more - so I do sit with it usually at least a day or two, though it doesn't really do much except prolong the time till I actually do it. When the urge starts I can't really get away from it, often I'll play video games to tune out of it or trying to figure out ways to address what might be stressing me except that's when they don't work. I hope that over Christmas my stress will be lower so it's less likely to build up into needing to do it again, I don't track when I do it but I don't remember when I did it last so it's probably over a week ago now.

Thanks for caring, I'm probably just too stressed right now to process things well, maybe in a few days when I'm done with this semester and just have work it will be easier. It's just a massive pain to have stuff bunch up on top of each other and lead to any attempt at coping failing :/

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