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Brokenness


Lodz
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I've had a really good week until just now. I had put my own concerns and judgments aside and was focused on others in my life and useful, helping, etc. This morning was good too. Woke up really early to take care of the kids. Way too early, but i didn't get upset about it. I felt blessed to be able to spend quality time with them.

Then i got to the gym, and trigger city. As i'm punchingnin my code to enter, another guy does the same and bith the cute young women behind the counter said "good morning" when he arrived (after me). I smiled at one of them but she didn't notice. At the same time, he said "good morning ladies" and they both smiled at him and one asjed how he was doing. I was then done punching in and walked around him to enter the gym.

In my mind, that last interaction was a referendum on my attractiveness and my worthiness. I failed the referendum outright. And the reason i failed is because my dick is small. 

Then i went straight to the locker room to change. Luckily i didn't have to strip down all the way as i don't need clean boxers until after i shower. But just being in there made me extra self conscious about my junk. And of course, it's a cold morning, if you catch my meaning...

Aaaaaaaagh!!! Nobody else in this place gives a flying fuck about my penis. But there's all this hypothetical nonsense flying around in my mind, and i see every person in here as a threat or a taunt, and not as fellow humans full of beauty and flaws and problems. Triumphs, losses, worries, humor, sadness, interesting ideas and stories, and especially not their own fears and insecurities. Because obviously, i'm the only loser who has any of those.

Man, it's liberating to name the lies i tell myself. And to surrender my "self" for the purpose of bringing me closer to others and replace animosity with empathy.

But i still have to brave the shower after this workout is done. I can do this. But it's such a challenge.

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I had a thought recently. An excuse to be fair, but a thought all the same. I watch a lot of Anita/lefty stuff on YouTube, usually people on the right taking the piss etc, but it dawned on me that when minorities feel outnumbered or afraid they group together and form a kind of strength. Even if they believe the stupidest things imaginable, they believe it in numbers and have eachother to fight the good fight. If you're black, Hispanic, gay, trans or w/e (blank) sexual is popular these days, you join together and form a union of weakness masquerading as strength. But it works. Black Lives Matter talk mostly shit and are pretty much a hate group, Antifa are the same, full of hate and bullshit. Same for the right in all fairness, those guys and girls can be equally as hateful, but they have eachother. Now, SPS is very similar to all of these groups with one glaring difference...nobody wants to associated with the (non existent) movement. We are a race unto ourselves. We suffer in silence, there is no group, we are separate singularities hurtling through life terrified of every potential collision. Ok, there's a forum. But even if we met we wouldn't be shouting about our struggle. We're not breaking out the banners. Also, it's not obvious. We're not a certain ethnic group, we're not dressed a certain way. We can be anyone, from anywhere at any time. A business man, a lollypop man, a teacher, a busker, any race, any body type, absolutly anyone. There is no joining, there's only active denial. If we want to dig ourselves out of this pit of despair then prepare for a lonely one man climb to the peak with no Sherpa and no ropes. A free climb to happiness with rocks looser than a hookers chuff. There's nobody at the top to congratulate you on a climb well done, just you. It's worth the climb, I can attest to that, although every now and again I throw myself off the cliff again and have to take the ski lift back up. I don't know where I'm going with this tbh, but that's what it feels like sometimes. Like being a leper who's arm could drop of at any moment and reveal us for the truly unworthy disease we are. Of course none of this is true, but it feels true occasionally. The LGBTQ feel like their oppression is real. Some minorities feel like their struggle is real. And I guess we do too from time to time, especially when something happens that makes us question why? Was that random or because of my cock. I love you guys, you'll all a real help when I'm feeling like shit. I don't know what you look like or where you're from a lot of the time, but it's nice to know I can still get WiFi on shit mountain. 

Do you know what live on shit mountains? Mountain shit lions, Bobandy. 

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Sorry for your experience. I'm old (or feel old) and fat (or fat to me) plus i have a small penis and I never get the attention from women. It does suck to feel invisible.

I have have similar fears and concerns at the gym which is why I never get nude there. I would rather drive home in sweaty underwear than change in front of others.

I think this fear stems back to school when many people were made fun of for many different reasons in the locker room. I remember guys getting picked on for penis size, body weight, lack of body hair, body acne, big nipples, etc...

The penis comments always bothered me the most ( as you can imagine) and I would never shower at school for this reason. Guys got nicknames like "stumpy" and "pencil dick" while others who were well endowed ended up with nicknames like "hog" and "muley". The bad thing is that these nicknames extended beyond the locker room so eventually even the girls used them when talking to the guys.

I don't know if you had similar locker room experiences or not but for me that's what drives my fear of them.

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2 hours ago, lostboy1 said:

The penis comments always bothered me the most ( as you can imagine) and I would never shower at school for this reason. Guys got nicknames like "stumpy" and "pencil dick" while others who were well endowed ended up with nicknames like "hog" and "muley".

That is so crazy. There is no time on earth that a heterosexual man will be less arroused than in a men's lockeroom so it is just no way to judge size.  Erect size is the only thing that matters sexually.  

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2 hours ago, lostboy1 said:

I don't know if you had similar locker room experiences or not but for me that's what drives my fear of them.

I was lucky in that my locker room experiences as a kid were minimal. There was a brief swimming curriculum in my gym class, but i never showered and always changed under a towel. A lot of the kids did. There were a few guys who seemed to relish in the opportunity to show off their goods and for good reason. I was intimidated and ashamed. But nobody ever saw what i had.

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1 hour ago, Victimorthecrime said:

That is so crazy. There is no time on earth that a heterosexual man will be less arroused than in a men's lockeroom so it is just no way to judge size.  Erect size is the only thing that matters sexually.  

I completely agree with you but this was kids and kids don't use logic. They just use what they see and ridicule what is different. Hell, even one of the guys I went to school with still has his nickname, to this day, and high school was many years ago. Fortunately for him, he was one of the well endowed so his nickname isn't bad in my mind.

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48 minutes ago, Lodz said:

I was lucky in that my locker room experiences as a kid were minimal. There was a brief swimming curriculum in my gym class, but i never showered and always changed under a towel. A lot of the kids did. There were a few guys who seemed to relish in the opportunity to show off their goods and for good reason. I was intimidated and ashamed. But nobody ever saw what i had.

Well, I played football and basketball in high school so I was in the locker rooms a lot. Back then there was no such thing as private stalls in showers, at least not at my school. Ours would remind you of an old prison shower where the shower heads are along the wall in a big open room with drains. No privacy whatsoever and you were basically standing side by side with a guy on each side of you.

I played basketball and football all four years of high school and the only time that I showered in the locker rooms was summer football camp my first year. I had never been to the place before (it was a new school for me) so I didn't know what the "shower scene" would look like. I assumed there would be private stalls I guess but once I realized that I was way wrong, it was too late to stop without drawing major attention. I wore the towel all the way to the corner where I stood and showered in about 15 seconds.

That was the first and last time I showered there and I was very fortunate no one saw me because they made fun of cocks, much bigger than mine, for being small. The rest of the time I would just go home to take one. I'm glad athletics and practice was always at the end of the day. I don't know what I would have done if I had worked out or practiced in first period.

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I hear that @lostboy1. The showers at my school were similar. I never went near them. A couple of my friends smirked at me for not showering and changing behind a towel. Like they knew what was up. It never went to insults or poking fun at me, but i was seriously afraid it would. I imagined they already knew how small i was and had told everyone else, particularly the girls we knew.

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I'm not sure what had me looking this up but after this post started I decided see if there was anything on locker room "cock checks". I found this article and while there are parts of it I'm not so sure are accurate, there are some legitimate points as well.

It basically says all guys look in the locker room and it is for the purpose of "gauging" of where you rank.

It also says some stuff about the societal norms of big dicks and small dicks based on team dynamics. This part I'm not so sure about but hey, it's on the internet so it must be true. ;)

https://www.outsports.com/2014/3/17/5515302/penis-size-matters-locker-room-gay-straight-study

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I don't remember who said it, but a member of this community once said that if you're straight, you shouldn't care about what other men think of your penis. I'm not knocking whoever said it, but that's synonymous with saying that if you're blind, you shouldn't care about how you look. 

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10 minutes ago, Small said:

I don't remember who said it, but a member of this community once said that if you're straight, you shouldn't care about what other men think of your penis. I'm not knocking whoever said it, but that's synonymous with saying that if you're blind, you shouldn't care about how you look. 

I agree. I worry about what both men and women think. I know I probably shouldn't give a shit but I do.

On the opposite side, I definitely check other guys junk out when I have a chance. It's not sexual, just curiosity about what "real" everyday guys have between their legs. It is a "gauging" process for me although it never makes me feel better and typically it even depresses me more.

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I don't know whether I've mentioned this story before but I used to swim a lot as a kid. When I was in cadets I was picked to swim for the team. I turned up with my shorts and they said I had to wear Speedo's which they had a spare pair of. I'm stood in the boys toilet panicking. I should have just walked out the door and went home but instead I stuck a sock in there. I swam one lap when I realised the sock was gone. I had to walk past the whole crowd of people acting as if this floating sock in the pool hadn't just popped out of my crotch haha. It's like it didn't happen to me though, like an out of body experience. I have a lot of those moments. I think those early moments shape you and mould how you respond as an adult to the same pressures. I was an angry kid, so I think a lot of anger synapses start to fire when it happens to me now. 

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10 hours ago, lostboy1 said:

I'm not sure what had me looking this up but after this post started I decided see if there was anything on locker room "cock checks". I found this article and while there are parts of it I'm not so sure are accurate, there are some legitimate points as well.

It basically says all guys look in the locker room and it is for the purpose of "gauging" of where you rank.

It also says some stuff about the societal norms of big dicks and small dicks based on team dynamics. This part I'm not so sure about but hey, it's on the internet so it must be true. ;)

https://www.outsports.com/2014/3/17/5515302/penis-size-matters-locker-room-gay-straight-study

I've posted this article numerous times over the years and nothing except outright insults generates as much controversy and cognitive dissonance as this article. It really pisses a lot of dudes off, which is typically a good indication that's it's struck a nerve. If straight men did not check out other men there'd be no market for magazines like GQ, men's health or fitness blogs where the guys post dozens of pictures of themselves half naked (presumably) in a community of men and discuss physique. They are also rabidly anti-gay for obvious reasons...if you're so in love with your own body, what must you think about other men's? I always think about that movie 300 that came out when I was in high school, all the guys wanted to look like the Spartans and started lifting obsessively...why is that? In reality, how many guys who bodybuild have ever lifted one finger in violence? So it's simply for looks, which begs several questions that never get answered.

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P.S. It may seem paradoxical, but feminism actually creates what they term "toxic masculinity"...bodybuilding, dick size obsession, sexual prowess...because the sole object is women's sexual attention. Matriarchal societies produce men with sexual characteristics highly desirable to women and gays, in general you could say matriarchal society is itself sex-obsessed. Patriarchal societies subordinate sexuality to other considerations, true "alpha" males are not the locker room stallions and gigolos. The opposition between feminism and "toxic masculinity" is only apparent, not real.

- shout out to you, Skynight...you were right all along

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Times have changed. My locker room years were the 1970s. Of course guys looked and possibly commented their closest buddies but any guy that publicly called out a guy for anything regarding his dick would have been called a fag and gaybird and quite possibly gotten his ass kicked.  I do not endorse name calling and violence but that is what would have happened.  Obviously there has been a huge cultural shift in that regard and one that I was unaware of.  

What mattered to the idiots I grew up with was if you were good at sports and could fight.  Anything else was considered "faggot shit". I kid you not.  

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@Victimorthecrime

It's a shame that "cock checks" have become acceptable in locker rooms. I seem to recall a general atmosphere in school changing rooms where if a guy were to look at another guys penis etc. he'd be branded a "fag" and beaten up for it. That's far less toxic than what we have today. 

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13 hours ago, YOTH said:

I can't believe you go to the gym @Lodz. You're way braver than me. I'd love to just do it without thinking. Actually what I'd love to do is part a crowd with my giant swinging dick but that's a pipe dream if there ever was one lol. 

It would take a whole lot of dick swinging to part a crowd and get a decent cardio workout.

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1 hour ago, LittleMan4 said:

Will someone please tell me why I love having a tiny little dick? Mine is 4 inches long and 4 inches around.

 

Probably because you spun your pain and insecurity into a set of kinky fantasies to help you cope with living in a world that wants to make you feel worthless. I can relate. But i can't relate with the inept and insensitive way you're trying to use this forum to feed your fantasies. There are websites and apps for that. I'm sure you know of quite a few. Do that there. This place is for getting real and getting honest and getting and giving back help. If and when your fantasy world falls apart and you need people to talk to, we'll be here.

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6 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Times have changed. My locker room years were the 1970s. Of course guys looked and possibly commented their closest buddies but any guy that publicly called out a guy for anything regarding his dick would have been called a fag and gaybird and quite possibly gotten his ass kicked.  I do not endorse name calling and violence but that is what would have happened.  Obviously there has been a huge cultural shift in that regard and one that I was unaware of.  

What mattered to the idiots I grew up with was if you were good at sports and could fight.  Anything else was considered "faggot shit". I kid you not.  

When you were a kid terms like "bromance" and "down-low" and "men-who-have-sex-with-men" would have been collectively labeled as faggot shit, but today these sub-cultures consider themselves sharply distinct from homosexuality as its technically understood. To me this is an exportation of prison culture where it isn't considered homosexuality if a man fucks another man, so long as he is the dominant partner. The one who submits then becomes the "bitch". It's rumored frat and military cultures have this same dynamic, but I don't know. 

At any rate, this apparent latent potential for this behavior given the correct conditions would seem to be the reason for some cultures' extreme intolerance of homosexual behavior, including Western society's historical intolerance (at least during the Middle Ages). Homosexuals were burned alive as a warning, and even in medieval Europe most men grew beards. It is traditionally said in some cultures that during the golden age men were distinguished only by their degree of wisdom, but that in the latter days men would become like beasts and be distinguished by appearances alone. 

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