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Self-Punishment... Why do I do it?


LostBoy
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After being on this forum for a while I realize that many of us have a tendency to "punish" ourselves on a regular basis, in one form or another, for either being small or feeling that we are small. I wonder why we do this?

As an example, I regularly catch myself comparing my cock size to others in locker rooms, on the internet, and on television just to reinforce the fact that I am tiny. While I may not physically measure myself all of the time with a ruler (although I do measure much more than any one person should), I am constantly comparing the size of my dick with other objects just to "prove" how small I really am. Any time that I am naked and even sometimes when I am not, I catch myself looking at my limp or erect dick in the mirror or I use my hand to feel how small I am just to reassure me that I really am small.

Just today, I was looking for something in my house that compared with my erect penis size and I found that the cap on a bottle of Nasacort was the closest everyday object that I could find that compared to the size of my erect penis (and it is very close in both non-bone pressed length and girth). Why would I go through the effort to do this? It just came out of nowhere that I wanted to "create" or find an object that compared with me.

Why do I constantly feel the need to punish myself and "prove" that I am not a real man? Why do I have this urge to constantly prove to myself how small I really am? After all, I know I have a small dick. This was established many years ago and it is a known fact. it is not an opinion or a misconception, it is very true and I know it. Why, psychologically, do I want to continue to "prove" that I am small?

You would think that I would want to prove the opposite or at least prove that I am somewhere in the average but this isn't the case for me. I don't enjoy being small and I'm also not really into SPH or anything sexxually related to wanting to be small. It's an obsessive mindset that I have related to my small penis size and while I am not OCD in any other aspect of life I feel that I am very obsessive as it relates to my penis size.

I would love to have an intellectual discussion related to why this is the case. What is the end game for me? What am I trying to prove? Am I a masochist at heart and just love the repeated humiliation? I personally don't think of myself as a masochist but what other explanation would exist?

I typically consider my mental state to be extremely stable. I have never really suffered from any other psychological issues but this one has me stumped.

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I went off and Google'd Nasacort, then kept searching until I found someone holding it for scale, found a woman holding a bottle, it was quite erotic lol. I found myself in a strange position recently whilst pounding one out for my sins. I happened to glance at the wardrobe, the door was at an angle so the mirror was reflecting the disgusting scene back at me. I held my cock in my hand, then pulled it down to reveal the best possible version of it size wise and I wasn't that put off by it. It looked ok. I'm looking at it thinking to myself, if I was girl, I'd fuck it, maybe not long term but I'd put my fanny around it on a whim. Skip back a week or two, I'm in the bath when I realise the hot water ran out and I was filling the bath with freezing water. I got out, shivering and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It was horrendous. I totally understand why people take the piss, it was laughable. It's not right doing that to someone, but even if they were kind enough to say nothing, they must be thinking 'wow, that's small'. It was like a mushroom in a wheat field. Why can't I be grateful for my erect size? I know there are guys smaller, it could be worse and they'd love a 5.5 but it all goes out the window flaccid. I don't have a bad sex life, I mean don't get me wrong it's a typical marriage type sex life, so once, twice, three times a month, but it's good. It's also improved a lot recently. But put me in a pair of jeans, pants, shorts that I feel small in (normally because of weather change etc) and watch me lose my shit in a bad way. I didn't leave the house most summers, I'd just wait them out. Winter, that was my season. I could wear a long coat without feeling out of place or freakish. But the same thing puzzles me. I know it's small flaccid, I know it looks crap unless I've just used the Bathmate or wanked off, it looks like a bite size walnut whip, so why do I stand there in the mirror like I'm posing for Michealangelo? I torture myself by staring in the mirror every day looking at the very view that triggers/upsets me the most. I dress so badly, if it wasn't for the piece I wouldn't leave the house. 

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11 minutes ago, YOTH said:

I went off and Google'd Nasacort, then kept searching until I found someone holding it for scale, found a woman holding a bottle, it was quite erotic lol.

Sorry, I didn't quite consider that there are probably many people who don't know what that is. lol.

13 minutes ago, YOTH said:

It was like a mushroom in a wheat field.

This is quite an amusing analogy but very true for me as well. If you've ever seen the Hangover movie then the "mushroom" comment is very familiar. Honestly, sometimes I would be happy with a mushroom because many times I am basically flat in appearance. I have the genitalia of a barbie doll. It's like a train wreck when I see that in the miror. I just can't look away for some reason.

 

15 minutes ago, YOTH said:

I torture myself by staring in the mirror every day looking at the very view that triggers/upsets me the most.

This was exactly the reason behind my post. Why do we do this? Why do we constantly feel the need to punish ourselves and confirm our fears?

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1 minute ago, lostboy1 said:

This was exactly the reason behind my post. Why do we do this? Why do we constantly feel the need to punish ourselves and confirm our fears?

I have no idea. I cut a lot of things that cause me stress or upset out of my life. Whether it's friends, family members or certain thought patterns, once I recognise them as a problem I remove them. But as you said, it's like car crash TV. I wonder if John Merrick would just stand looking in the mirror thinking 'maybe it would help if I grew my hair and combed it over?' 

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I also wonder, if I had a large penis, if I would do the same thing? Would I compare it to a banana just to show how large it is in my own mind? Would I hold it in two hands, erect, to feel its power and manliness? Would I stand in front of a mirror and obsess over it? Is more it more of a personal issue that I have than an actual penis size issue? I can't imagine that every small guy does this but I guess i could be wrong. I don't obsess over any other parts of my body like this so I can't grasp why I do this with my penis.

I would think that I would admire it a lot if I had a large penis, but is that really the case?

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2 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

I think when something bothers you you think about it and look at it a lot in hopes that maybe your wrong and it's not so bad or that an inspiration will move you and a solution will be found.  

I completely agree with this theory, or at least I agreed with it when I first started obsessing. At that point in my life, I was trying to prove to myself that it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. I also measured myself incorrectly (bottom of the penis instead of the top) so it appeared that I was much closer to average than I actually am.

In recent years I'm not sure that this is why I obsess. I have studied penis size from live personal experience, from the internet, TV, etc... I have asked women who I have been with. I have studied every legitimate penis size research paper that exists. I have measured myself hundreds of times and came up with averages and standard deviations of my size in a large sampling. There is no proving the facts wrong and I think I am to a point in my life where I am no longer trying to "kid myself" but I still keep looking, measuring, comparing. Even though i know what the "answer" will be. I am not expecting anything different but I can't seem t stop this obsession.

 

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Maybe at this point is has become a conditioned response such as one finds in BF Skinners behavioralism.  There are so many sexual/phallic undertones to everything these day the stimulus could be anything.  Just a hypothesis.  

I saw a you tube video were this guy claimed that deep squats and deep squat stretches from a horse stance can incresse genital size.  The idea is that it increases blood flow and testosterone to the area. You want to emphasize feeling it in the perineum for optimal results.  

It might be total bullshit but I have been doing it on the theory that exercise is heathy anyway so why not.  Just throwing it out there like a Staubach to Hayes Hail Mary pass. 

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@Victimorthecrime, I may give the squats a shot. I agree with you in the fact that it's healthy anyway so I don't really have anything to lose, although I really don't have any faith that it will discernibly change my size. I don't have much faith in most "miracle" cures for a small penis. I have tried different supplements, jelqing, stretching, etc... but nothing really seems to make a difference and I'm either too lazy or too busy to try some of the pump solutions but I think those even have mixed to minimal results.

Is it strange that I have considered building a mold or a model of my penis out of wood or clay? I haven't done this yet but I have researched it and I'm considering it. Why would I want to do that? What would it do for me to have a "life size" replica of my dick in front of me? I just don't understand why I am obsessing over this so much. It's definitely not like I worship my cock or think that it is anything special.

I also seem to now find it intriguing, after all of the research and comparisons, that I am in the <1% "club" meaning over 99% of guys are larger than me both flaccid and erect. I don't know why this is so intriguing as I should be embarrassed just to mention it but maybe it's because I am part of a "select few" that I somehow feel "special"?

I have so many weird thoughts and concepts and I just don't understand why.

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I'm trying to come up with new ideas in the 2018 for combating intrusive thoughts. I'm very well aware that this website is part of the problem for me, but not because other people's stories get me down or the desperation is exhausting, but because it (just like now) inspires me to focus on everything that makes me feel low about myself. I identify peoples current pain with my former pain and start to feel it again even if my pain is long over. There has to be a better way of channeling our anxieties into something more productive. A book is typically about 80 thousand words +. Break that down into 10 thousand between 8 people. I bet we could all write a collection of life stories and put it into book form. 200 words a page, that's about 50 pages each. I reckon 8 of us have 50 pages in us each. Start each chapter with our exact stats and just tell our story from start to present day. The good, the bad and the ugliest. It can all be pen names etc. Call it Short Straws or something equally puntastic and make it on to the best sellers list 2019...

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@YOTH, I have considered writing a book of my life, at least the interesting or painful parts, under a pen name so that my writing can be transparent and brutally honest. I don't consider myself much of a writer but I feel my story, both small penis related and otherwise, might have some interesting tidbits to it. Plus it's a way to "release the demons" that are pent up inside my head.

I struggled with thinking that my life was interesting enough to fill an entire book but your idea of a collection of different people's stories might be a perfect idea.:Ponder:

I also agree that while I enjoy this site and the people on it, I almost wonder if I do not fuel my small penis fire by being on here so frequently. I am glad that I have found a place where others, like me, exist but by reading everyone's problems I continue to think about my own. I continue to obsess. I have went long periods, in my life, without overly obsessing about my size but over the past 6 months or so it has been an almost daily ordeal. The only time that I am not obsessing is when I am so busy that I don't have time to think about it.

If you want to take the lead in this book idea then I am willing to contribute. We probably need some type of standard formatting and a general outline so that it can seamlessly flow between stories so that it doesn't appear to be 8 disconnected books. I like the idea of including the stats at the beginning of each chapter as well.

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It would be a logistical challenge, but what else are we doing? I think I'd read a book like this, not some self help babble but an eye opener to the nightmare behind the curtain. Also maybe some positivity in there, so people realise we're not some troll under a bridge but the person next to them, family members, friends or work colleagues. Anyway, it's out there, I'd love for the idea to move to the next level. Get some solid yes' and move onto figuring out how it would work. 

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I'm a definite "yes". My wife is an author and has co-wrote with people virtually so it is definitely possible. The key would be getting structure behind it so that it's cohesive in nature.

We would need a shared file with standardized formatting, a rough outline, and a timeline for the draft. We would also need to find an editor/proofreader as well as an illustration artist for the cover.

We could use Amazon/Kindle as the publisher (they do e books as well as paperbacks) but would need to determine how to handle the account and royalties. I really don't expect that this will be a best seller but I could see several thousand copies sold.

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I don't know how co-authorship works, it would be tricky, but definitely worthwhile in the long run. I hope we can do exactly what you mentioned @lostboy1 by the sounds of it you'd be invaluable to the process. Let's make sure the whole idea doesn't fall by the wayside and comes out of the other side a real piece of valuable literature. So that's 4. Anyone else? 

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6 hours ago, lostboy1 said:

I also agree that while I enjoy this site and the people on it, I almost wonder if I do not fuel my small penis fire by being on here so frequently.

I call it the paradox of therapy. While it helps you gain both insight and context for your problem it also brings it into focus to the point of being transfixed. Someone once said "that which you give attention to is that which you create" or something like that.  

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@Small I dunno, I think you'd be one of the best people to add to the whole thing. I know it's not great timing right now, but In a few months maybe it might be good to do possibly. There's no mad rush or anything. I'm not trying to pressure anyone but we've all got very similar and also very different experiences dealing with this. Ignore me Small, I hate writing in here sometimes, I read like robot or someone from the South, muh. I'm just putting it out there that it'd be good if you did it too without sounding pushy or w/e. 

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On 12/16/2017 at 3:12 PM, YOTH said:

I have no idea. I cut a lot of things that cause me stress or upset out of my life. Whether it's friends, family members or certain thought patterns, once I recognise them as a problem I remove them. But as you said, it's like car crash TV. I wonder if John Merrick would just stand looking in the mirror thinking 'maybe it would help if I grew my hair and combed it over?' 

I do the same thing as what you are all saying on here but if you look at this picture i found we all look the much the same in a line up like the picture i have put on. I think 60 % are like this so all the big penises people out there are not normal and most women must have sex with the smaller man like us.

 

Edited by IrmaJean
We don't allow photos of genitals here
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On 17/12/2017 at 4:33 PM, YOTH said:

I'm trying to come up with new ideas in the 2018 for combating intrusive thoughts. I'm very well aware that this website is part of the problem for me, but not because other people's stories get me down or the desperation is exhausting, but because it (just like now) inspires me to focus on everything that makes me feel low about myself. I identify peoples current pain with my former pain and start to feel it again even if my pain is long over. There has to be a better way of channeling our anxieties into something more productive. A book is typically about 80 thousand words +. Break that down into 10 thousand between 8 people. I bet we could all write a collection of life stories and put it into book form. 200 words a page, that's about 50 pages each. I reckon 8 of us have 50 pages in us each. Start each chapter with our exact stats and just tell our story from start to present day. The good, the bad and the ugliest. It can all be pen names etc. Call it Short Straws or something equally puntastic and make it on to the best sellers list 2019...

https://5sizes.wordpress.com/

I have found this web site this may hell us to under stand our size,

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