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A Big Step for Me Today


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So I have written this piece "The Last Frontier of Humiliation". It's 669 words (about a page and a third) and I feel like it's definitely worthy of being on all of those click-bait news sites. You could re-title it "See What This Man Has To Say About His Embarrassing Condition" lol or what not. But that wouldn't be right because I barely speak about myself in the piece, just that I have been forced to pass up on sex because of the issue. And this piece is more than just what SPS is, it's about how society says "you can't make fun of anything someone is born with EXCEPT small penises, those are fair game." See? It's The Last Frontier of Humiliation.

Anyways, I went to this writing workshop thing in my town. It was very lowkey, there were 3 other people besides me (a lot of people bailed for the holidays). They asked me about what I write and I told them "this and that" and how I had this article. But I couldn't even bring myself to tell them what it truly was about so I just used "personal issue" in place of SPS or what not. I came to this thing wanting to share the article with people and see if they thought it was worthy of publication but I couldn't even tell them the damn subject of the article. The words froze in my throat or what not. It was pretty sad. And I want to ask you guys if you have the same problem. There's no casual way to be like "oh, I'm a sufferer of SPS" or "I have a small dick" because society has turned this issue into a joke. Right?

I left the workshop early (the three people there were all young adult fiction writers and one of them who was new to writing and the industry was going on and on about this website that helps new writers and I just wanted out. I mean, I came there to not only talk about my article and writings but to possibly meet young girls and although the host was young (I'd say low 30s and she says she has published a YA book called "Dead Boy") I didn't see anything there and I was bored and upset that I couldn't even describe my article let alone talk about it or show it.

So the last week or so I have been texting this girl I met off POF who says she is also a writer and is working on pieces of writing and I had texted her last night asking her if she wanted to go with me to that writing workshop and she said she would have but she didn't have transportation (and I didn't really feel like driving down to Oregon City (a half hour south) and then back up to Vancouver and back) Anyways, I texted her when I got home about how she hadn't missed anything and she asked me about it and I told her that I had an article I thought was worthy of being published and I said that it was personal and I didn't know if I was ready to share it and then she said that hers was personal too. And then, of course, she asked (with the if you don't mind tag of course) what mine was about and I was like...ugh...(I even texted ugh...) and told her I would rather just send her the article. And guess what guys? I did. I sent it.

After I sent the e-mail, I texted her "I am probably going to regret sending that. Especially since I like you so far" to which she replied (after reading it) "I like you too, and I'm not one to judge people so don't worry". We're still texting back and forth as I write this. She also said later on "I think it's all in the way you use it honestly. Real women don't care about size." I'm not celebrating anything, it's very likely that she (like the other 4-5 girls who gave me their numbers off of POF) will eventually ghost me but whatever. At least I know that she knows that way if anything does progress, it won't be this huge thing that I will be stressing over 24/7 (like how to tell her and what not).

But the TL:DR here is: I told a girl I like and am trying to get to know about my condition and was able to show my article to someone and didn't face immediate rejection.

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I just wanted to update this. So, I've pretty much been texting this girl all night. It turns out she has a trans-sister and has body image problems of her own (she is one of those girls that just because she isn't skinny, she thinks she's unattractive, which is not the case, she isn't even close to being overweight). Anyways, she has sent me some really heart-warming texts, even one that said something like "Well I really like you *blushy face*" and unlike nearly every girl I have ever texted that I met online, she is asking about me and not the other way around. After that blushy face text, she asked me to tell her more about me and I asked her what exactly she wanted to know and she said "Everything, all your dislikes and everything you love, and your exes and your past. And the way you grew up *smiley face*"

When I saw that, I literally said to myself "seriously?" I can't thank you guys (although no one seems to be on this site anymore lol) enough for giving me the confidence to do what I did tonight. That Bella girl that was on here proved to me that there are girls in the world that could love a guy like me and then this girl is proving that there are girls IN MY AREA that could love a guy like me.

I'll keep you guys updated for sure.

Tata.

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49 minutes ago, BellaMeilan said:

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero Hi there. Please take it slow!

I will. I mean, she lives a little bit away, and I have been down this road before with girls (although not with them knowing about my small dickism) and I know what usually ends up happening (getting let down, rejected, or hurt). So I have definitely come into this with my expectations as low as possible, even after the promising texts.

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1 hour ago, YOTH said:

This is awesome, how's is it going? Are you still texting back and forth? What a great icebreaker to the whole thing, puts the elephant out in the hall for sure. I'm praying for you, man. Hope this all pans out, we all deserve a bit of happiness. 

Thanks man, means a lot.

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Well, good luck.

You have to remember that although there are some things that are generally attractive to the majority of women and vice versa, every woman is an individual with her own preferences. What could send one woman running a mile might not faze the next woman, or she could even see it in a positive light.

Personally, if a woman doesn't like an aspect of who I am, then she's not worth my fucking time anyway.

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4 hours ago, Powerhouse8000 said:

Personally, if a woman doesn't like an aspect of who I am, then she's not worth my fucking time anyway.

True that. It's just this "part of me" affects many other parts and will most likely not satisfy the girlie sexually (as much as I wish it would :( )

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10 hours ago, Powerhouse8000 said:

Well, good luck.

You have to remember that although there are some things that are generally attractive to the majority of women and vice versa, every woman is an individual with her own preferences. What could send one woman running a mile might not faze the next woman, or she could even see it in a positive light.

Personally, if a woman doesn't like an aspect of who I am, then she's not worth my fucking time anyway.

@Powerhouse8000 I really like your comment and I am a woman. To me, it’s about self confidence to some degree. I have learned so much about this issue from being in this forum, specifically that SPS is a mental illness and also  for the man, the feelings of inadequacy can always be there. 

I hope I don’t catch too much flack for this and I am only trying to grow and learn in this forum as I realize this is a sensitive issue, however, I’ve realized that this issue is a lot to take on. Women have emotional needs also and how are those needs being met if we are constantly taking care of the man’s emotional needs and constantly reassuring him. There are women here that stated that the size wouldn’t matter to them and doesn’t matter to them. There was another woman here that was in love with an SPS man but his issues with this caused him to ghost her on several occasions. At some point, something has got to give. It’s not an open door to mistreat someone. It seems like the women that are the most supportive get mistreated or constantly have to reassure, when the reality is there is a small percentage of women that would deal with a man facing this issue to begin with. 

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6 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

It seems like the women that are the most supportive get mistreated or constantly have to reassure, when the reality is there is a small percentage of women that would deal with a man facing this issue to begin with. 

I know and I can't understand it for the life of me. Like I've been telling you in our PM, you can't let your feelings of inadequacy and hate for your dick affect anyone other than yourself. I don't see how your boyfriend or that guy who was ghosting that other nice/kind/accepting girl can treat you guys that way when like you said, it's very hard to find a girl who doesn't care about the issue and loves you for who you are.

Like I've told you and I'm sure a lot of people are aware on this forum, I have been looking for that girl my whole fucking life. I've started messaging a THIRD girl (and this one lives in my town instead of a half hour or an hour and 15 away). I know you told me you're worried finding this girl is becoming an obsession for me and you may be right, but I feel like I have to find this girl right away while I am still in my 20s. I feel so disappointed in myself that it has taken this long (my whole adult life, I'm 28.5 now) for me to start to open up about the issue and have the confidence (albeit such a small amount) to message these girls. The next step will be hanging out with them and I am terrified of this. I'm worried they will reject me just based on my looks (not even getting to the dick) so this is one of the reasons why I will always be open to finding new girls in my area (or even talking to girls like you Bella over the interweb), until I find my "one", I'm going to assume the worst and thus, it helps to have as many "chances" as possible.

But I'll tell you guys what, if I do find a girl that loves me for me and loves my cute little member and pleases it gladly and works with me to try to make the best use of it (different positions, ect). IE: A girl that loves me for me and like Bella and this other girl on here, could care less that my dick is 4 inches erect or what not, I am not going to mope around and drive the girl away (like Bella's), and I'm certainly not going to ghost or mistreat the girl (like the other girl). I don't see how any of you guys with SPS reading this could do that to a girl that you know is so hard to find!

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43 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

I know and I can't understand it for the life of me. Like I've been telling you in our PM, you can't let your feelings of inadequacy and hate for your dick affect anyone other than yourself. I don't see how your boyfriend or that guy who was ghosting that other nice/kind/accepting girl can treat you guys that way when like you said, it's very hard to find a girl who doesn't care about the issue and loves you for who you are.

Like I've told you and I'm sure a lot of people are aware on this forum, I have been looking for that girl my whole fucking life. I've started messaging a THIRD girl (and this one lives in my town instead of a half hour or an hour and 15 away). I know you told me you're worried finding this girl is becoming an obsession for me and you may be right, but I feel like I have to find this girl right away while I am still in my 20s. I feel so disappointed in myself that it has taken this long (my whole adult life, I'm 28.5 now) for me to start to open up about the issue and have the confidence (albeit such a small amount) to message these girls. The next step will be hanging out with them and I am terrified of this. I'm worried they will reject me just based on my looks (not even getting to the dick) so this is one of the reasons why I will always be open to finding new girls in my area (or even talking to girls like you Bella over the interweb), until I find my "one", I'm going to assume the worst and thus, it helps to have as many "chances" as possible.

But I'll tell you guys what, if I do find a girl that loves me for me and loves my cute little member and pleases it gladly and works with me to try to make the best use of it (different positions, ect). IE: A girl that loves me for me and like Bella and this other girl on here, could care less that my dick is 4 inches erect or what not, I am not going to mope around and drive the girl away (like Bella's), and I'm certainly not going to ghost or mistreat the girl (like the other girl). I don't see how any of you guys with SPS reading this could do that to a girl that you know is so hard to find!

I agree with you. 

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46 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

I don't see how any of you guys with SPS reading this could do that to a girl that you know is so hard to find!

Well I have a wife that loves me and accepts my small penis and we have been married for years. I do not mistreat her due to my issues nor do I ask her to be my emotional suitcase.

As a matter of fact, I no longer even mention it to her because she is very non-empathetic to this issue. Instead, I bury it deep inside and deal with it myself. Over the years, she has went through severe depression where I have had to be her emotional "rock" and I have willingly done so.

I say all of this to remind you that most guys with SPS do not likely fit into a "ghosting" or mistreating category. We are the guys next door, the nice guy at the office, the friendly guy at the gym, or the Sunday School teacher at church. We likely offer much more support for other people's problems than we ever receive for our own.

I say all of this to remind everyone that just like any other personal problem, people with SPS make up all kinds. There are likely more "good guys" with SPS than there are "bad guys".

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13 minutes ago, lostboy1 said:

 

As a matter of fact, I no longer even mention it to her because she is very non-empathetic to this issue. Instead, I bury it deep inside and deal with it myself. Over the years, she has went through severe depression where I have had to be her emotional "rock" and I have willingly done so.

This was my exact point so thank you. I think I am reaching the non empathetic category myself. I wouldn’t want my SO to bury the issue but it’s only so much support a person can give before it becomes taxing on them.

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8 minutes ago, BellaMeilan said:

This was my exact point so thank you. I think I am reaching the non empathetic category myself. I wouldn’t want my SO to bury the issue but it’s only so much support a person can give before it becomes taxing on them.

We all have our issues. If you love him I would assume that you would want to be there for him no matter how hard it is.

Take SPS off the table for now and think about the number of other issues that abound in people's lives on a daily basis.

If any of the following occurred would you say it's too much to deal with, if so, he may not be the guy for you: Cancer, a stroke, heart attack, paraplegic due to a car accident, disfigured in an accident.

See, these are all things that would require a huge amount of support, and they will tax you beyond belief, but many spouses and significant others are willing to deal with it, even though it's incredibly difficult. This, to me, is the true meaning of love. The willingness to sacrifice for another above all else.

 

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1 minute ago, lostboy1 said:

We all have our issues. If you love him I would assume that you would want to be there for him no matter how hard it is.

Take SPS off the table for now and think about the number of other issues that abound in people's lives on a daily basis.

If any of the following occurred would you say it's too much to deal with, if so, he may not be the guy for you: Cancer, a stroke, heart attack, paraplegic due to a car accident, disfigured in an accident.

See, these are all things that would require a huge amount of support, and they will tax you beyond belief, but many spouses and significant others are willing to deal with it, even though it's incredibly difficult. This, to me, is the true meaning of love. The willingness to sacrifice for another above all else.

 

Great point @lostboy1. I agree and none of those issues would make me leave. But, lord forbid, what if I or one of my family members faced those issues, then because he’s dealing with this, is he emotionally strong to help me through as well.

a relationship is give and take.

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1 hour ago, BellaMeilan said:

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero What’s your thoughts? 

 

1 hour ago, lostboy1 said:

See, these are all things that would require a huge amount of support, and they will tax you beyond belief, but many spouses and significant others are willing to deal with it, even though it's incredibly difficult. This, to me, is the true meaning of love. The willingness to sacrifice for another above all else.

My thoughts are that this lostboy is fucking spot on.

But also (and I've told you this) that the fact that you joined this forum, Bella, to try to help understand your boyfriend's problem shows that you obviously care for him and love him. It's just too bad that for a lot of guys this issue is literally larger than life. In fact, I'm sure there are guys on here that would prefer being sick with cancer or partially paralyzed to having a small unit. The fact that what I just said there is true shows how messed up our heads are. Like I said once, we are damaged, hurt, rejected creatures (us SPS men, THE TRULY SPS men, the 4.5 inchers or less). Frankly, because of that fact, I would definitely do whatever I could to keep a female partner like you, Bella, but I would also not pretend like the issue doesn't exist and at least make my partner understand how fragile I am regarding it. Much like almost anything in this life, you have to find a balance.

 

 

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9 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

@Powerhouse8000 I really like your comment and I am a woman. To me, it’s about self confidence to some degree. I have learned so much about this issue from being in this forum, specifically that SPS is a mental illness and also  for the man, the feelings of inadequacy can always be there. 

I hope I don’t catch too much flack for this and I am only trying to grow and learn in this forum as I realize this is a sensitive issue, however, I’ve realized that this issue is a lot to take on. Women have emotional needs also and how are those needs being met if we are constantly taking care of the man’s emotional needs and constantly reassuring him. There are women here that stated that the size wouldn’t matter to them and doesn’t matter to them. There was another woman here that was in love with an SPS man but his issues with this caused him to ghost her on several occasions. At some point, something has got to give. It’s not an open door to mistreat someone. It seems like the women that are the most supportive get mistreated or constantly have to reassure, when the reality is there is a small percentage of women that would deal with a man facing this issue to begin with. 

I'm past the point of caring because I just don't give a fuck anymore. I'm 31 but feel older than that - I was a heavy drinker for a few years and spent time unemployed and lost my mother to cancer then rebuilt my life starting at age 25, also when I was younger like school age I got into a lot of fights and was bullied. All of this stuff ages you and wears you out. Some people just sail through life with few or no apparent problems at all. I've had more than my fair share.

So if someone doesn't like me, I really really don't give a fuck because they are not worth my time.

That being said, I still really struggle with my self-esteem and strong feelings of self-hatred.

Just because I may act like I'm confident on the outside doesn't mean that I feel alright on the inside.

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@BellaMeilan, the one thing you have that is beneficial is advanced knowledge. You know he has an issue before you commit to him. A lot of people don't have this and only find out later that their significant other is an emotional or physical burden.

Since you have this advanced knowledge then you are in the best position to make a decision. If he is worth it to you then be ready to deal with the baggage and have faith that one day, when you need his support, that he'll be there for you to. Your other option is to walk away and try to find someone who requires less effort on your part. Just keep in mind that just because someone isn't a burden on day one does not mean that they won't be a burden on year 2 or 5 or 15.

I think you're at a crossroads and you have to decide whether you're willing to put in the work or whether you would be better off waiting for someone a little less work, at least in the beginning.

 

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7 hours ago, Powerhouse8000 said:

That being said, I still really struggle with my self-esteem and strong feelings of self-hatred.

Just because I may act like I'm confident on the outside doesn't mean that I feel alright on the inside.

Well, apparently just as long as you hold up that facade of confidence, girls will dig you (that's what I am repeatedly told). Maybe after I have fucked a girl more than one time and know how to please a girl, I will have confidence, but until then I won't ever know if this "confidence is everything" shit is true or not. But like, why be that macho confident guy when you know what you are working with. All I know is if I was a girl (a slut, a size queen) and this guy was acting like he was a sex god (or god in general) and found out the "truth" when he got naked for me, I would be like "really?" At least with these girls I have been talking to, they know from the start I have NO sexual confidence whatsoever and that I will need a patient lover willing to accept a teaching position or what not. I just wish I could have been honest about my situation (like I have been with all three of these girls recently) back when those two fine looking girlies wanted me. They were nice girls, I'm sure they would have gladly accepted being a teacher, gladly accepted their semen-soaked role of sex therapist, gladly taken numerous premature jizzums, ect. because they liked me and liked being around me. My biggest regrets (sexually or romantically) is not doing sex things with those two girls or at least telling them my situation. At least then, I would be more than a 28 year old pseudo virgin and would have at least SOME real experience.

7 hours ago, lostboy1 said:

@BellaMeilan, the one thing you have that is beneficial is advanced knowledge. You know he has an issue before you commit to him. A lot of people don't have this and only find out later that their significant other is an emotional or physical burden.

And see, this is why I am telling the girls I have been talking to beforehand because that way they can make their own decision. They won't come into the relationship expecting a 7 inch sex God. Let's see if this approach actually works. I mean, this one girl who lives in my town, I have the feeling that she might be willing to accept this open position of patient sex teacher. I am almost thinking that when my grandpa (and roommate/landlord) goes out of town for 3 weeks here shortly, that there's a good chance I might FINALLY get a little more experience. But it is going to be really hard. I don't think you guys with wives and a lot of sexual experience can understand the level of stress and anxiousness I will be under when one of these 3 girls is down to fuck or what not (despite my condition) and I'm staring at a date with them. It's going to be...like I can't even imagine it. But this is what I wanted, otherwise why even try with these 3 girls?

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16 hours ago, Powerhouse8000 said:

PDX (etc) ...

The only reason I appear to have confidence on the surface is because I just don't give a fucking shit. Some people find me loud and annoying. But I don't care.

In a way I feel like I don't give a shit either because if I did, I don't think I'd be opening myself up to rejection by telling girls this before sexy time. Like I told the most recent girl, I'm trying to approach dating as "here I am, 100% honesty" and if they are down with it, cool, and if not then they're probably not girls I would want to be with anyways. I'm trying to not waste time. It's actually a pretty ingenious way to approach dating in my opinion and I don't know why most guys don't approach it that way. (I suppose because most guys don't have SPS and are just trying to get laid (usually) and then if a relationship happens so be it).

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