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"Outed" at Work/School: Coping


Klingsor
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Due to my inability to keep my temper under control and my gigantic mouth shut, I think I may have semi-"outed" myself at work RE penis size. Recently, Yoth informed us of his friend Tom's suicide because of SPS, a significant contribution of which was the harassment he suffered at his job. Yoth I believe has his own work-related experiences as well.

I thought I'd make this thread to discuss ways to cope with the consequences of SPS at the two places where I think it's probably most damaging - work and school - simply because they're both like prison. You can't get away in most cases, whereas we aren't forced to mingle at bars or clubs or voluntarily accept abuse in social or informal settings. Yet. 

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For years I've just assumed people know & it makes things better & worse all at the same time. The workplace is no different from the playground, and co workers are no different from co students. It took being in my workplace to make me conclusively see that most people don't grow up - they just grow old - with the same biases, beliefs, morals & values they had as adolescents.

 

It makes me angry that it's the most limited people that do the most damage to me. People too stupid to evaluate, reflect & put things into perspective. Dull but driven, like a cannonball fired from birth which lacks neither the incentive nor ability to change direction. These bastards smash through everything in their way - with no concept of where they are going or why. 

 

It pisses me off that despite all their limitations they do me so much damage to me. Their primitive weapons penetrate my versatile defenses time and time again. They are too ignorant to waver & i am too self doubting to stand my ground. So in every encounter i have with people at work - i am always running and hiding. Mentally, emotionally & verbally.

 

I'd love to get one of these guys in a situation where he are utterly hopeless. I want to look into his eyes at the very moment he sees his doom. Then I'd joke & jibe, prod & play. Show me how YOU run you stupid, fucking, bastard. 

 

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I found out the hard way, that even if it's suspected, people don't know. Confirming the suspicions is when the real fun and games start. If I didn't look small I genuinely wouldn't give a shit but that's not the case. If you can, flat out deny it and subtly change the subject. Men are annoying, but we're pretty much aware of how that works. But when women who you previously had really good relationships with start to look at you like a leper it really stings. I read something the other that I thought was really interesting. Try and remember a time when you were embarrassed. It'll take about a second. Then try and remember a time when someone else was embarrassed. It's a lot more difficult to do. Nobody else feels this intense shame and anger as much as we do, even compassionate people who see our pain don't understand how unbelievably damaging it is to our psyche. Ever hear a story about someone at work and it just blows your mind because it's so out of character? It's the same thing. We take an avatar to work and leave ourselves at the door and absolutely nobody thinks about us as much as we do. We think everything is about us, every conversation is about our cock, and although sometimes it is, more often than not it isn't. It was every day for Tom and he was taking pills to cope, but they'd stop working and he'd be back to square one. But I'm the wrong guy to ask, I should be asking you. Holding down a job for years is impressive. What has worked for you so far and what's changed? 

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I just thought I'd add a short story as you mentioned prison. I was always in trouble as a kid, blame ADHD, cock, whatever. But we just caused trouble from age 13 to 25. I ended up pushing my luck and after maybe 20 court appearances for a range of stupid shit with a slap on the wrist and community service. One judge (Dredd) had had enough and was publicly making a name for himself by being savage, and, he locked me up. My solicitor shot me a look when he found out it was Dredd that I'll never forget "sorry, mate. I can't help ya". I could cry about getting done for something I didnt do, which ironically was true. But I was so lucky on so many occasions to not get time that staying in that group of friends doing all the crap we did, I had it coming. Everyone else is worried about having their freedom taken, I'm thinking "how the fuck am I gonna hide my cock?" This was my main concern as I'd pictured rows of men showering together at a certain time and the absolute fucking panic had me in a haze from sentencing to walking through the door. The forced showering thing was a myth, people took showers whenever, but how the fuck could I get in and get out without being seen? I won't go into too much detail of how long I was there, but it was long enough. Only one guy that whole time saw me and I don't think I ever saw him again after that. Maybe he got out, I don't know. I noticed that about 98% of the people on my wing worked in one place or another, so the showers were emptiest just after 9am. I could maybe nip in, but there were still people milling about, I couldn't risk it. I dreamt about showers every night, I hadn't taken one for so long I was beginning to forget what clean felt like. The governor of my wing told me to work or move downstairs with no privileges. I said "ok, I'll move". He looked at me like I was mad, preferring to have no TV over working. I wanted to work in the laundry room, that meant I'd be on the wing all day, I could find time. I asked the guv to put me there, he said no. Two days later he came back. I'll put you there on one condition, you have to move into a cell with a really old guy. Nobody wanted to be in there, but I said "ok." I took a shower every day except weekends for my whole sentence and was seen once, the guy I mentioned earlier. I knew that upstairs was always empty unless the wing was back from work, anyone taking a shower on the block would use the middle floor shower, so the top floor was like my own private shower. I'd throw a towel around my neck so I could cover up quick if needed and that was pretty much that. If it hadn't been doable, I don't know what I'd have done. 

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6 hours ago, therebetruth said:

Confuses me why people at work care enough about someones dick size to ridicule them, seems questionable at best but people are just morons I guess

It isn't somebody coming up to you and saying, "hey man, heard you have a small dick." It's endless, constant "that's what she said" type humor. Constantly. They aren't interested in your dick personally, that would be accused as being gay. They do it through insinuation. If they can tell it bothers you or you're insecure about it, it's like a pack of jackals smelling weakness. Anything to provoke. I've seen the same thing happen to guys who are small in stature. It's about establishing dominance and provoking confrontation. Anything to provoke.

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This exact thing happened to me working behind the bar. We never grow up, it passed the time and it's fun when it's not about you. It gets old, fast. But the second I walked out of that door I left it where it belongs, with them, there. Harder when you're stuck and can't escape. Is there a live chat type thing? I'd love to speak to you in real time. I was hoping they'd do that privately here, I think I'd get a lot out of it. I'm all over place at the moment, I'm still hurting but I want peace. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I have to focus on what's in front of me and allow myself to heal. I'm going to record some audio and send everyone the unlisted link. I want you to hear me, so I'm not just a picture and text. 

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8 hours ago, Small said:

It makes me angry that it's the most limited people that do the most damage to me. People too stupid to evaluate, reflect & put things into perspective. Dull but driven, like a cannonball fired from birth which lacks neither the incentive nor ability to change direction. These bastards smash through everything in their way - with no concept of where they are going or why. 

That's the overwhelming picture one forms of the situation. You are dealing constantly with adolescents. 

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Hey Yoth - thanks for sharing that story about prison. That's one reason why I never tried out for any sports or hung around other guys a lot. I was terrified of the locker/shower room because of the torment I'd taken there in school. The only live chat I've ever used is Skype, it's a microsoft product that's kind of shitty. If you have other recommendations that are anonymous please let me know. 

P.S. I'm not suicidal right now or anything, at least no more so than normal. I hope it didn't come across that way, I just thought this thread needed to be created based on past experiences. 

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@Klingsor I wasn't thinking that before, but now I kind of am haha. It's an ok thread, unfortunately it's one of those issues with no answers but "quit your job" or "Go self employed" Other than that I've got nothing on this one. I never cracked the code or figured out how to make it even work even a little bit. It's act like an arsehole and overcompensate or get all weird about it and send up a flare. Either way, it's unnecessary agro on top of the already stressful job. 

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Although, I did have one idea for an extreme solution. Take a naked photo of yourself, doctor it until you're happy with the results. Then, create a profile of a fake friend (set up beforehand) and post it as if this guy is taking the piss "Caught ya changin" . Then make a big stink about it to a few select people as if you just saw it knowing damn well they won't be able to help themselves searching for it. When they do, it's embarrassing because you're naked, but not that funny because you're average. Jesus, this sounds like George Costanza,'s ménage a trois plan haha 

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Here's the catch-22 with all this stuff: the kind of people we're discussing are like adolescents, the kind of humor they engage in centers on bodily functions and sex. But if you focus on dick size to an excessive extent or make too much of it, you'll be accused of being gay, since "only fags care about that". Yet they constantly joke about it and make comments and any one of them will brag if they have a big one. 

From my perspective, the best advice I can give a young man is to do everything possible to become physically strong and learn how to fight within the limits of your genetics. It's the only way you'll ever be respected, especially if you're forced to work in a male dominated workplace. Usually those environments will be "rough" by default just because it attracts men, and it's usually the most stupid and adolescent. All they respect is force. Intellect and sensitivity are considered weakness. These are the types of people who search for "SHARK VS. LION: WATCH WHAT HAPPENS" type shit on YouTube. They live for confrontation.

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We have had some discussion recently about chat. Maybe it can be a possibility one day.

I think one positive thing about my work is that I'm always running so much that there is little opportunity for any kind of discussion that isn't work related. Is there any way to keep some space from the toxicity or does the environment make it impossible? :(Work is challenging enough as it is.

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I remember being "outed" in school. It was i 8-7th grade I guess. I cant remember the exact context, but this guy in my class felt it necessary from one time to another  to loudly shout out "yeah thats just because of your small penis" even during class...... the silence in the classroom after these outbursts has made permanent damage on my psyke.

I went from being a popular guy among especially one cool girl, to not so much....... as in the guy who didnt shower after gymclass thus disgusting..... especially due to both reasons. not showering+the reason behind.

 

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On 9/5/2018 at 5:53 PM, Victimorthecrime said:

Been there done that.  I try to say as little as possible.  

I basically got caught up in a conversation about hookup culture, how kids in middle school are sending dick and pussy pics to one another in the fifth grade or earlier. I got aggravated because I couldn’t get away and had to listen to this bullshit for an hour. So I cracked and made some comments that I otherwise wouldn’t have made. I work with people whose maturity stopped at 16 and it gets on my nerves. 

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The place where you work actually does sound like toxic masculinity.  They sound like the kind of guys I grew up with.  Take it for what it's worth.  

Hope things are good otherwise Klingsor.  Not to veer off topic but I hope you had a chance to get out to nature this summer (or other fun) I know that's something we both enjoy.  If not plenty of time.  September and October are beautiful months.  

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