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Now divorcing after wife had multiple affairs over my SPS


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On 12/1/2019 at 1:18 PM, Under5 said:

My wife and I have talked a LOT about a woman’s perspective.  Part of the problem is that we do have a society, maybe more so In the US, that emphasizes dominance, power and subjugation, particularly over women.  Women in our society are trying to take some control over their own sexuality.  Yet, some women are equally influenced by the societal focus on power and “big”.  So, when some women can express sexuality, they become overly concerned about size.

I am NOT claiming that a larger penis can’t  change the type of sexual experience for certain women.  Girth can add friction, no doubt.  And, for certain women, as a purely physical aspect, length can stimulate areas near the cervix.  I’m not denying that.

The devastating insecurities come when a man assumes, because his penis is small, that he can’t sexually satisfy a woman.   This problem can be significantly compounded if the woman is focused too much on size.  It’s more about finding a full sexual female partner who loves many dimensions of sex.  I’ve been fortunate with that but I also won’t accept less.

i will say it again, a man with a small penis can experience the same physical pleasure that a man with a large penis can.  That should matter.  We are all entitled to our own sexual satisfaction.  
 

As a couple, we use my small penis to our advantage as much as possible, like with oral and anal sex.  And, with vaginal sex, I vary everything including speed, depth, etc.  

The world has always been hip deep in blood and gore from war and slaughter, to day nothing of domination of women and other men, especially less masculine ones.

By what process do you know that a man with a small penis can experience the same physical pleasure that a man with a large penis can?  My experience indicated the opposite unless the experience of strongly stimulating the woman through penetration alone is not pleasurable for the man.  I know failing in that is distressing and a severe drag on recreational sex.

By DSM V standards a man with a withered arm who has problems adjusting has BDD just like man with an objectively small penis has problems adjusting to his handicap.  The "disorder" is not being able to ignore it or adjust to it.  The key is that no attention is given to the severity of the dysmorphia. 

Delusion regarding the degree of dysmorphia is clearly a mental problem requiring psychotherapy.  Learning how to proceed with objectively, significantly out of spec body part is a coping skill.  The 2 problems should not be conflated as they are in DSM V

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On 11/28/2019 at 12:02 PM, Toosmallforcomfort said:

I wanted to make it work because I wanted kids, I wanted a good relationship like my parents and I felt the commitment of marriage to be important, through both the good and the bad.

I don't know that smallguy has things right.

I am more prone to think, you didn't learn sexual performance because your wife didn't respond dramatically from the get go or later either.

How do you build confidence in performance if you don't have successes or don't even move toward success? 

Maybe I'm projecting, though.  If women would have responded to me dramatically like many men claim to experience immediately from women, I would have built on that.  Instead I built on my so so experience in the context of an already negative sexual self-image.

My 1st wife, after we split, said she didn't want to feed my ego, but didn't say what the reason for her withholding of sexual response was.  Lack of respect?  Resentment of my over-bearing ego?  Don't know.

Am I really to believe she was purposely hiding a more dramatic response?  Even orgasm?  Or was she just denying frigidity?  

Sometimes, I suspect she was simply insulted by my lack of desire.  She thought it was about her, but it was really about my lack of libido as compared to more virile men.  Probably, more often than not, she was the one to initiate sex.  I was never "up" for more than one go-around per session.

Or, maybe I "settled" for a woman, from my inferiority feelings, I didn't really find attractive.

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47 minutes ago, lbaker said:

I am more prone to think, you didn't learn sexual performance because your wife didn't respond dramatically from the get go or later either.

How do you build confidence in performance if you don't have successes or don't even move toward success?

I believe most men learn sexual performance in their teens and 20's, maybe even in their 30s.  Perhaps I'm wrong, but my sexual experience is very limited, mostly due to my own insecurities as stated above in previous posts.  After falling in love with my wife, I thought I could finally overcome my issues and she could help me to do so.  I was 28.

Your second sentence....  You don't if you have not had those experiences or do not try on your own to make them better.  Even if you do, that doesn't mean you'll be successful, as that depends on both you and your receptive partner.  You don't have control over what other people feel or think, you only have control over yourself.  I failed to act upon my own to investigate/try other options to increase/improve our bedroom life, nor did she offer advice.  Pretty much all other aspects of our relationship were good, in my eyes.  But sex was very important to her, more than me.  It degraded our relationship as she was the initiator and got bored.  She took it upon herself to eventually offer a suggestion to improve her situation that was ultimately unacceptable to me, an open marriage.  It went downhill from there.

I vividly remember one night, perhaps 11 or 12 years ago when we lived in Connecticut, were we were playing an adult board game with my friends from residency, where a question was in regards to "faking or lying" to your spouse.  She said orgasms.  While her response rendered laughter, it was devastating to me, even though she said she was kidding soon after.  Of course, I smiled and played along with it.  This is just one example of many things she has said over the years to push my buttons she knew how to push to sink me deeper in my insecurities.   

Edited by Toosmallforcomfort
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3 hours ago, smallguy said:

By what process do you know that a man with a small penis can experience the same physical pleasure that a man with a large penis can?  My experience indicated the opposite unless the experience of strongly stimulating the woman through penetration alone is not pleasurable for the man.  I know failing in that is distressing and a severe drag on recreational sex.

I feel, for us men, an orgasm is an orgasm no matter how large we are.  The physical pleasure we give based on our size is what differs, based not only on us, but by the women we are with. Now, do we as men, feel the worth of being a man is dependent on how deep we can penetrate a woman's vagina?  That ultimately depends on us, not her.  If she feels that deep penetration is important enough to accept you as a spouse, lover, bf, etc., then you won.  If she lets you know that it is not, then you need to suck it up and go elsewhere. Now, folks on here will tell you that penetration is not the most important aspect of sex, and I do have to put merit in that.  But, we are bombarded via media, society and porn, that it is, including things said by my spouse.  That is why I filed for divorce from my wife of 15 years, not even for recreational sex, but for married sex, knowing that I was no longer necessary or wanted.  

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On 12/1/2019 at 6:05 PM, Toosmallforcomfort said:

I feel, for us men, an orgasm is an orgasm no matter how large we are.  The physical pleasure we give based on our size is what differs, based not only on us, but by the women we are with. Now, do we as men, feel the worth of being a man is dependent on how deep we can penetrate a woman's vagina?  That ultimately depends on us, not her.  If she feels that deep penetration is important enough to accept you as a spouse, lover, bf, etc., then you won.  If she lets you know that it is not, then you need to suck it up and go elsewhere. Now, folks on here will tell you that penetration is not the most important aspect of sex, and I do have to put merit in that.  But, we are bombarded via media, society and porn, that it is, including things said by my spouse.  That is why I filed for divorce from my wife of 15 years, not even for recreational sex, but for married sex, knowing that I was no longer necessary or wanted.  

I am pretty small.  A bit  more than 4".  When a woman was very stimulated and secreting fluids, I would lose friction and not feel much.  I would have a hard time orgasming, but eventually would from banging pubes to pubes.  The orgasm was not very pleasurable.  Certainly, the woman, might be stimulated and experience some pleasure, but never have an orgasm, certainly not one detectable by me.

If a woman was not very stimulated and just lubricated enough to allow thrusting, my orgasm would be much better and quicker though it was very clear the woman was not reacting much and likely to be faking orgasm.

I'm under the impression that a longer, thicker penis can bring a stimulated and well lubricated vagina to orgasm by contacting nether regions or a combination of lateral and longitudinal stretch.  I don't think all the big guys are just bragging.

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On 12/1/2019 at 4:52 PM, Toosmallforcomfort said:

I believe most men learn sexual performance in their teens and 20's, maybe even in their 30s. 

I think large (not the huge or the inconsiderate or sadistic large who might hurt a woman) usually or often have very satisfying first experiences in terms of the woman have a strong reaction to penetration, if not actual orgasm.  Yes, it probably happens whenever they get started at the ages you suggest.   This does not  rule-out that they make great improvements, maybe more often achieving simultaneous orgasm and learning never to cum too soon and interrupt the woman's clear progress to orgasm, preferring to cum later than the woman,

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2 hours ago, Toosmallforcomfort said:

penetration is not the most important aspect of sex, and I do have to put merit in that.  But, we are bombarded via media, society and porn

But WHY are we bombarded? You either have to admit that it is a fundamental desire of human sexuality or there is some byzantine, conspiratorial reason to sell the videos and advertise it for purposes other than....advertising. Which I'm sure as a man of science, you'd ridicule the latter possibility. A definitive, comprehensive, conclusive study answering the clitoral vs vaginal orgasm question would put an end to this BS once and for all. But I doubt it will ever happen. 

As incredible as it may seem, I am not disputatious simply for the sake of it. I cannot understand this bootstrap mentality of self-blame and rollover to the status quo. Every time. I have been reading these mental contortions for five years, and it is truly unbelievable. In fact, I have to come to think this phenomena is more worthy of study than small penises themselves. 

I'm done, I'll stop posting to your thread. I will never understand this mentality. 

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3 hours ago, Toosmallforcomfort said:

I vividly remember one night, perhaps 11 or 12 years ago when we lived in Connecticut, were we were playing an adult board game with my friends from residency, where a question was in regards to "faking or lying" to your spouse.  She said orgasms.  While her response rendered laughter, it was devastating to me, even though she said she was kidding soon after.  Of course, I smiled and played along with it.  This is just one example of many things she has said over the years to push my buttons she knew how to push to sink me deeper in my insecurities.   

My interpretation is that she experienced sex with you much like women seemed to experience sex with me as I described--she got hot but not over the hump and was used to more.  

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Yeah, she would never say she was faking orgasm unless she was.

Reminds me that a number of women I was with would fake orgasm to get me to orgasm finally when I was stuck pounding away with no friction because of size.  The excitement of even what sounds like it might be orgasm in the woman can trigger orgasm in the man.  Usually did with me, but right away i'd realize another depressing failure.

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1 hour ago, Klingsor said:

You either have to admit that it is a fundamental desire of human sexuality or there is some byzantine, conspiratorial reason to sell the videos and advertise it for purposes other than....advertising. Which I'm sure as a man of science, you'd ridicule the latter possibility. A definitive, comprehensive, conclusive study answering the clitoral vs vaginal orgasm question would put an end to this BS once and for all.

I'd admit to both.  I am a rational and capitalistic man. Sex sells.

A study published last month in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that nearly 37 percent of American women required clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm, compared with 18 percent of women who said that vaginal penetration alone was enough to come.

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530

 

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On 12/1/2019 at 9:56 PM, Toosmallforcomfort said:

I'd admit to both.  I am a rational and capitalistic man. Sex sells.

A study published last month in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that nearly 37 percent of American women required clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm, compared with 18 percent of women who said that vaginal penetration alone was enough to come.

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530

 

I gather many experienced women expect to start-out with clitoral orgasms through preliminary oral and/or manual stimulation and then move on to a penetrative vaginal orgasm.  Whether they can have the vaginal orgasm without the preliminary clitoral stiumulation is not relevant, so the study is invalid, pure and simple.  Further, is the lack of vaginal orgasm a characteristic of the woman's peculiarities or the man's penil dimensions or the man's status or???

I don't think I've ever known a woman who couldn't have clitoral orgasms from my oral ministrations or sometimes just fingers.  The problem was I couldn't get them to the vaginal orgasm they wanted after that through penetration.  I gathered it was me, not them that was the problem.  Pretty clear they expected to orgasm from penetration, but couldn't do it with me due to either penile or other factors.  A few aggressive ones wanted more oral after my fruitless penetration efforts and seemed then to have more profound orgasm than the initial clitorals.  Vaginal?

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35 minutes ago, Toosmallforcomfort said:

I remember my wife saying that she'd never date an Asian guy.

The porn market can tell you a lot. Videos with Asian women and white men are popular in the same way that white women paired with black men are popular...white men are portrayed as more virile than the Asian men in the same way black men are portrayed as more virile than whites. You can find a lot of Asian cuckoldry videos with white men acting as the "bull" and "BWC" (Big White Cock). The Asian girls I knew in college loved white guys, specifically the Anglo or Nordic varieties. I look like afterbirth and prob radiate small penis vibes plus I have brown eyes which aren't exotic/purebred enough for them anyway. 

Again, the Incel communities discuss this in great and accurate detail...they regard East Asian (especially Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, etc) and Indian (including all of the peoples of the Indian sub-continent) males as holding the lowest sexual market value (SMV) of all ethnic groups. 

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55 minutes ago, KlingBro said:

The porn market can tell you a lot. Videos with Asian women and white men are popular in the same way that white women paired with black men are popular...white men are portrayed as more virile than the Asian men in the same way black men are portrayed as more virile than whites. You can find a lot of Asian cuckoldry videos with white men acting as the "bull" and "BWC" (Big White Cock). The Asian girls I knew in college loved white guys, specifically the Anglo or Nordic varieties. I look like afterbirth and prob radiate small penis vibes plus I have brown eyes which aren't exotic/purebred enough for them anyway. 

Again, the Incel communities discuss this in great and accurate detail...they regard East Asian (especially Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, etc) and Indian (including all of the peoples of the Indian sub-continent) males as holding the lowest sexual market value (SMV) of all ethnic groups. 

To save me time where can I go on the internet to read what the ICEL Communities are thinking.  I've only  heard from them in round-about ways.

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14 hours ago, TheDane said:

Story in a well respected Danish newspaper today about an Asian complaining about being targeted by men with smaller penises.

She is under the impression that it is because of the common belief that Asian women are more likely to accept smaller penises.

This is really too much.  Too telling.  Especially in the current "hook-up" culture, it certainly could be a real thing.  I can easily imagine less "confident" guys seeking hook-ups with Asian women because they are "used to small" while the Asian women might be seeking to experience legendary big penises and big confidence (big dick energy?) from other races.

It is kind of interesting that, in my case, since my sexual quests were based on "denial w/alcohol assist", ie. pretending size didn't matter and I was at least average, I got involved with quite a number of large women I had gotten to know, and never got involved with Asians though they were around--I don't think any were ever interested in getting to know me though some were around places I frequented and I can recall trying to talk to several.  This was pre-hookup culture, so I would have months or even years of getting to know women before I broached or accepted them broaching sex.  I gather, but I am not certain, that in the current hook-up a culture, a guy who doesn't broach sex quickly is just dismissed as a loser.  In my day, the dismissal was after sex, sometimes after of "few tries", or even a disastrous marriage! 

It has occurred to me that Reichian prescriptions for sex to achieve an important "orgone energy release function" in the human body would recommend the "hook-up culture" for finding compatible partners.  Reich seems to have been naive, however, in postulating such a panacea.  He seemed to dismiss the obvious hierarchical nature of human society based on male competition and its ugly results.  Instead of perfect orgasms, "hook-up culture" appears to lead to chaos.  Maybe I'm wrong--no personal experience.  Of course, their was a "pick-up culture" or "one night stand" culture in my day that might have overlapping great similarity to the "hook-up culture" of today.  I wouldn't know because I didn't participate.

Is hook-up culture and "dating app sex" just the spread of the old "pick-up bar" culture to the masses?

 

 

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On 11/1/2019 at 9:51 AM, Toosmallforcomfort said:

She has told me multiple times that I am a "little man".

Has she ever come directly out and said your dick was too small or was it always just beating around the bush?

The gf I mentioned in the other thread had a little diary tucked in her bookshelf that I found one day while I was looking for a chemistry handbook I’d loaned her. Curious and nosy, I pulled it out and began to flip through it. On one page, she had listed out like a grocery list the pros and cons of two dudes she had obviously been banging at the same time (before she met me). Apparently, trying to maintain secret liaisons with both at once had begun to be stressful, so this was her way of attempting to make a decision - when all else fails make a list like a livestock auction. Under one of the dudes, right there in bold letters were the words “Big Dick”. Big dick’s competition must’ve had a pretty face going for him because beneath him she’d written “Hot”. Further investigation (wasn’t too difficult) led me to the identities of the two broskis. Her facial assessment was accurate - one of them was very good looking, the other (Big Dick) merely douchebag-face average. I’ll leave you to guess which one she ended up choosing for an exclusive relationship.
 

I really think this was the moment when my sps shifted into overdrive. 

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1 hour ago, KlingBro said:

Has she ever come directly out and said your dick was too small or was it always just beating around the bush?

The gf I mentioned in the other thread had a little diary tucked in her bookshelf that I found one day while I was looking for a chemistry handbook I’d loaned her. Curious and nosy, I pulled it out and began to flip through it. On one page, she had listed out like a grocery list the pros and cons of two dudes she had obviously been banging at the same time (before she met me). Apparently, trying to maintain secret liaisons with both at once had begun to be stressful, so this was her way of attempting to make a decision - when all else fails make a list like a livestock auction. Under one of the dudes, right there in bold letters were the words “Big Dick”. Big dick’s competition must’ve had a pretty face going for him because beneath him she’d written “Hot”. Further investigation (wasn’t too difficult) led me to the identities of the two broskis. Her facial assessment was accurate - one of them was very good looking, the other (Big Dick) merely douchebag-face average. I’ll leave you to guess which one she ended up choosing for an exclusive relationship.
 

I really think this was the moment when my sps shifted into overdrive. 

I'll go with the "big dick" guy.  Do we get to find-out the "right" answer?

This reminds me of when I shacked-up with a woman I had known for quite awhile earlier during my 1st divorce.  Since I was broke, I wasn't a "betabux" guy at the time, but was "beta-career-childsupport" guy, getting her through college, serving as baby sitter, and getting her career going.  She claimed she was totally in love devoted to me and I was the only guy she could orgasm with. . .  I wasn't quite fool enough to believe that as the only time I felt she MIGHT really orgasm was during oral and for a time pressed working-student-mom she seemed to have way too many unexplained hours out of the house especially between 6pm and 2pm supposedly working on class projects with other students and such.

After a year or more the truth started to emerge as she to tried to educate me on how to be a better sex partner often recounting what other guys had done with her "years ago."  Apparently, she decided that maybe jealousy would would arouse in me the competitive spirit vs. other males that would redound to her sexual satisfaction.  1st she tried just bending over for rear entry to her vagina like "other men" and she, apparently, enjoyed.  Of course, my short erection didn't reach comfortably past her ass cheeks.

She tried quite a number of things including claiming that other men always wanted to penetrate her anally, but she never let them, but wanted me to.  She described having to fight-off some guys who tried to take her anally by force.   I wasn't interested due to my beta orientation and sanitary considerations, but I tried it anyway eventually.  For someone who had never allowed it, her orifice seem awfully easy to penetrate.  I didn't see the attraction maybe because I wasn't long enough.  I mentioned that and she never brought that up again.

There were a number of other experiments on her part that got us nowhere.  Once she suggested going to a local club to experience group sex, but I refused saying I din't want to compete with other men.  She said disappointed,  Spoil sport.  That'[s the fun.  She said the worst that could happen is that you discover you are gay and enjoy a new kind of sex.

Eventually, she accidentally left a large rubber penis dildo out.  Oh, I said, what's that.  You want me to try it on you?  She said no, I want to try it on you.  After a few days I agreed.  It took a long time and lube to penetrate me, but eventually she got the whole thing in.  She worked it and managed to give me a powerful orgasm that she said proved I was at least bi-sexual.  She ridiculed the idea that prostate stimulation from the anus is experienced as erotic by all men.

Not long after that, she asked that I use the large dildo on her after I gave her oral.   Yup, she made all kinds of involuntary noises and then had multiple orgasms accompanied by deep vibrations and fluid discharges I had never witnessed prior.  Our sex migrated to oral as it had with other women.

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4 hours ago, KlingBro said:

Has she ever come directly out and said your dick was too small or was it always just beating around the bush?

The gf I mentioned in the other thread had a little diary tucked in her bookshelf that I found one day while I was looking for a chemistry handbook I’d loaned her. Curious and nosy, I pulled it out and began to flip through it. On one page, she had listed out like a grocery list the pros and cons of two dudes she had obviously been banging at the same time (before she met me). Apparently, trying to maintain secret liaisons with both at once had begun to be stressful, so this was her way of attempting to make a decision - when all else fails make a list like a livestock auction. Under one of the dudes, right there in bold letters were the words “Big Dick”. Big dick’s competition must’ve had a pretty face going for him because beneath him she’d written “Hot”. Further investigation (wasn’t too difficult) led me to the identities of the two broskis. Her facial assessment was accurate - one of them was very good looking, the other (Big Dick) merely douchebag-face average. I’ll leave you to guess which one she ended up choosing for an exclusive relationship.
 

I really think this was the moment when my sps shifted into overdrive. 

I remember this story.

what a silly little cunt. I would be ashamed of myself if I was her. unfortunately she is not. nor does society at large consider her that.

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