How to best support a partner who is dealing with past and present abuse?

[crowyhead]

My fiance', who is in his early 30's, has long had a very strained relationship with his father, who has no ability to control his anger and who was physically abusive toward my partner for most of his childhood and young adulthood. My partner has already done a lot of work in dealing with this, in particular going through therapy to learn to control his own hot temper, although conflicts with his father really cause him to lose his temper easily -- since his father hasn't changed anything in the way he communicates with my partner, my partner has a very hard time not playing out old patterns.

Recently, though, things took a decided negative turn. My fiance' and I were at a family function when he and his father, who is in his mid-60s, got into an argument and his father physically attacked him. We left the situation, but the next morning (we were staying with his father) when the previous night's incident came up, his father denied any culpability, and when I contradicted him, he attempted to physically intimidate me.

This was pretty much the last straw as far as my fiance' was concerned, and since this incident (which was a little over a month ago), we have had little to no contact with his father. In most ways, this seems like a good thing, but I know my partner would like to somehow reach some sort of peace with his father, because his father is in poor health and my partner doesn't want to have any regrets. I support this to a point, of course, but I also have grave concerns about it because it's become evident that my partner's father has systematically undermined my partner for his entire life, and not only does this make me angry, it also makes me nervous and leery of any contact with the man.

I guess there are several issues I'm concerned with here. One is how I can best support my partner as he deals with estrangement from not only his father, but the rest of his family (they have chosen to believe that my partner is the violent one and initiated the conflict). The other is, how do I express my nervousness about any contact my partner has with his father, without making him feel that I am undermining his desire to come to some kind of reconciliation? I am frankly afraid of my partner's father, I don't particularly want to see him again, and I worry about the negative effect he has on my partner's self-esteem and psyche -- and yet, I can sympathize with the urge to make peace. The problem is that I doubt that any kind of lasting peace can be achieved, unless my partner's father makes some major effort to change (unlike the short-term token efforts he has made in the past).

I read Susan Forward's books "Toxic Parents" and "Toxic In-Laws," and while both were helpful in understanding what my partner is going through, neither one offered much guidance in sorting out my own conflicted feelings (although I did pass "Toxic Parents" on to my partner). Any advice on this sitaution?

[Chou-Tonbo]

What a tough situation. You have clearly thought through things quite a bit. Books are very helpful, but they have a hard time answering questions for each situation. I'm not familiar with the books you've mentioned, but the names are interesting. I might have to find "Toxic Parents".

I was in a situation where I was the abused child and had to make a break from my parents (mom and stepdad). In my situation, there had been a level of continued manipulation and then something happened that scared me so badly my husband had to hold me for what seemed like forever while I calmed down. That pushed me into protecting myself and ending my relationship with my parents. I knew when I did this that I could lose my brothers, and I did end up losing contact with my younger brother eventually.

I kept hoping my parents would wake up. I finally faced the fact that they did not think that anything abusive happened or "if it did, it isn't a big deal". I had to look at my hopes and realise that they were false. This was heart breaking for me, as I believe strongly in forgiveness being the best way to deal with things. However, with outside input, I realised that forgiveness does not automatically mean reconciliation. One is internal, the other requires at least two people. And with one person refusing to admit a problem exists and take responsibility for their actions, no reconciliation is possible.

I found great comfort in my husband's family and their support. They made sure I knew I was part of their family. They called me their daughter, etc. That helped me realise I didn't need to rely my parents; I'm sure my mom knows I am getting my needs for family met through my husband's family. She didn't care about my needs, even though she claimed she did. If she had cared about my needs, she would have acted differently. Therapists, my husband and his family, our friends, and my older brother have pointed this out to me.

A couple of things to mention to your partner. One is that his father is willing to attempt to physically intimidate you. Studies show that once a line is crossed, violence escalates quickly. He is already violent with people, and now he has opened a door by attempting to intimidate you. Will he hit you next time? One hit can kill; we have had a manslaughter-type case going on in my area where one person was killed from one hit. It is not safe for you (or your partner) to go back to where he can physically harm either of you.

Another thing you might mention to your partner is that he can send a letter inviting reconciliation should his father want to address the abuse issues. It would have to be worded carefully, but the door would still be open to his father. I'm very interested in the thoughts of the folks who study psychology on this suggestion, as this has potential for serious manipulation by either party. The biggest motivating factor for this would be so your partner knows he did reach out and that attempt at reconciliation was rejected (I am making assumptions). Your partner would not be guilty of destroying the relationship. His father is the one who made the choice to be violent and not get help. Your partner is chosing to be healthy and positive.

I hope this has been helpful. Please do stay safe.

Chou-Tonbo

[crowyhead]

I kept hoping my parents would wake up. I finally faced the fact that they did not think that anything abusive happened or "if it did, it isn't a big deal". I had to look at my hopes and realise that they were false.

*nods* M. (my partner) is going through a lot of this right now. Mostly what I do is listen a lot and offer my own observations. Perhaps the most telling thing is that after a month of no contact with his father, despite all the stress involved in both of our lives right now (and the emotional stress over such a stormy blow-out), M. is in a much better mental state than I've known him to be for quite some time.

A couple of things to mention to your partner. One is that his father is willing to attempt to physically intimidate you. Studies show that once a line is crossed, violence escalates quickly. He is already violent with people, and now he has opened a door by attempting to intimidate you. Will he hit you next time? One hit can kill; we have had a manslaughter-type case going on in my area where one person was killed from one hit. It is not safe for you (or your partner) to go back to where he can physically harm either of you.

Definitely. We made the decision the day the sh*t hit the fan that unless things change in some very significant ways, I am not going to have any more in-person contact with him. There's really two reasons behind this; one is that you're very right, he's shown himself capable of crossing a line, and there's no guarantee he won't take things father next time. The second reason is that M's father has learned that the fastest way to provoke M's anger is to make disparaging comments about me or to me, and I refuse to be a button to be pushed. At this point, I've also repeatedly urged M. not to meet with his father alone, and he's in agreement with me. This week he needs to go to his father's house to pick up some of his belongings that were stored there, so one of his friends is going to accompany him. His father has said he won't be there, but we don't quite trust him not to "happen" to show up while they're moving stuff.

Thank you so much for your response; it's good to get some reassurance that we're both doing the right things to keep ourselves and each other safe.