Can't turn my mind off

[Proverbs31:28]

After sitting here and crying for the past 2 hours, I am tired of hearing my own thoughts. My mind won't turn off and all I hear is this swirling of thoughts and emotions and frustrations going round and round.

Tonight, DS tells me he hopes he can be "successful like you" when he grows up. I immediately tell him he will be WAAAAAAYYYYY more successful than me and he should NOT aspire to be anything like me. He wants to know WHY? I can't exactly TELL my kid I am a freaking failure who lost everything to depression and anxiety and that most days I don't know how I will make it to the next!

Yesterday, DS and DD are both telling me what a GREAT mom I am and how there's no better mom in the world. I SUCK suck suck big time! I HATE that my kids think I am some sort of role model. That they look up to me and WANT to be LIKE me!

So, now I wonder??? HOW do I ensure that they don't end up like me? DS already has had several panic attacks and last week he was diagnosed with migraines- JUST LIKE ME! He is beautiful and smart and funny and compassionate beyond words- he has so much going for him. I fear he is going to limit himself if he sets his bar as low as mine!

All I do now is think about everything I have given up, all of my mistakes, my failures. How there is sooooo much I would change if given the chance. The ONE thing I would not change is having my kids. I HATE that I married their dad but, obviously, I would not have them without him.

NOTHING seems to matter to me anymore. I exist. I breathe in and out. I pretend day in and day out. But, in the dark moments, when the house is quiet and no one can hear, my thoughts get tangled and abusive and keep me in tears and in fear. I am so sick of having no control over my thoughts and emotions.

[nightfalls]

HI Proverbs31:28

OK First I just want to say I understand the self thoughts that are completly against us, I get them too, but these thoughts you are having are yours thoughts and not really the whole reality. To your kids you HAVE been a great PARENT! how amazing is that to hear you kids say you did great, I can only hope that one day my kids will feel the same for me. You feel what you feel and think what you think for you, but all around us everyone has there own thoughts and feelings, and sees us in a big picture that we might not even see. We really do HAVE to remember the things we are told by others especially our family and really especially our kids, they are the ones that say the truth, not our possible depressed view of ourselfes, we may see one side of all the things in life we didn't do, or didn't try or failed at or what ever but life has MANY SIDES TO BE SEEN if we can just remember to look around and really see them all. Our kids are also a bit of ourselves and if we see how amazing they are and are turning out that is because of us too.

Anyways just my thoughts, take care and listen to your kids they are right!