Not leaving the house

[mscat]

For the past few months I have no desire to leave my home, ever. Every time i absolutely have to it is extremely stressful and maddening .I can't deal with the slightest provaction. Especially when trying to drive or deal with other people. I absolutely hate it. The only thing left is to stay locked up in my place. I feel secure and peaceful. No one to bother me expect for my kid, who at times is extremely obnoxious. He has Asperger's and only repeats everything a half a million times a day. The probelm is that he goes to school all day long, and then I am alone with the pup. It is nearly impossible to be by myself too It is a no win situation. Hating to be alone and hating to go outside or around others.. It is depressing beyond words. Have not even seen the counselor in three weeks. He just called today and i have told him and he knows i have a hard time leaving the home , even though the office is about about three min away, it can be too much to get there at times.

I am stuck , and really have not enjoyed life for quite a while. Only Suzi the pup keeps things real and nice. She is adorable and wonderful , thankfull y we have her. A little Yorkie pup saving my life, seems pathetic.

There have bee too many unpleasant, hateful, bad experiences with people throughout the years , and it has left me incredibly cynical and full of rage. Tired of being taken advanatge of, and tired of hating oneself. There is nothing left, and that is the horrible reality.

[Mark]

mscat,

do you have a sense for what keeps you in the house? You say it is stressful and maddening when you leave; that makes it sound like you get very anxious. Are panic attacks involved? Are there specific fears? Are you knowledgeable about Agoraphobia, which is an anxiety disorder chiefly characterized by a "fear of the marketplace" (e.g., a fear of leaving the safety of the home).

How does this "can't leave the house" stuff play into the other issues you live with. Do you have any sense that one issue drives things more than the others?

I guess I'd appreciate some more detail if you care to share it, as I might be able to point you in the direction of some specific stuff that could be helpful.

Mark

[mscat]

I'll try and be more specific. It is more because it is stress related and anxiety.. This is new to me and has come up in the last several months... It also has to do with not trusting anybody and fearing I'll lose control of myself, do something stupid say the wrong thing look like an idiot, be stared at, and always being different then everybody else... Like being lokoed at as if i was from anther planet, not human , and people can see that, look right through me, and know there is something not quite right , there is a lot of dissassociation too when not being at home and or going numb.

It is not being able to cope and the anger always is intense. Something always goes wrong leaving the house and it is such high anxiety to have to deal with leaving. No panic attacks though, just extreme stress and anxiety.

I can take Klonipin for anxiety, but seem to want to take too many of them, or forget that i have them. either too many or none at all, and even two of them knock on on my ass. We live in a very small town , so it is a 45 min. drive to the nearest big grocery shpping, that is always an ordeal to have to deal with.

My brother comes and helps us everyday so I have him get the things we need and get Matthew out of the house. Just know things are not going so well and waiting for time to go by each day just so i can take the night meds and sleep. Very hard not to OD sometimes. Can't though cause of Matt.

[pokets]

Hi Mscat...

Sorry to hear u r going thru such a difficult time with ur anxiety and stress, i can relate to you and understand where u r coming from. Its like a vicious circle u dont go out coz of the feelings u encounter at the thought, so u stay in then each time u dont go out it makes it harder for the next time and b4 u know it u r stuck because u cant leave the house...I too fear that i will lose control in going out, so being in is safer tho very isolating. I hope u can soon break this cycle, which is not easy by any means...How are your thoughts say for example if u were to go out with ur brother and u werent alone? just a thought. U take care and keep safe....

Jo x

[mscat]

Thank you Joanne for the nice reply and support. I did make it to therapy whish is only A few min. away from home... I was so anxious and it was difficult... Had not been out of the house in a week, then went so it was nice to talk about stuff, however, not so great getting out .

Glad that is over. My son just got home too, and did manage to take the dog out for a 15 min walk. She loved it. now back inside and just calming down from all the "excitement"

[Guest ASchwartz]

mscat,

Good work and, try not to lose the momentum. Continue to go out each day. It really helps.

Allan:)

[2002to2009]

Hi, Mscat. My Mom had extreme agoraphobia and debilitating panic attacks, and I too have to fight to participate sometimes. But it's so worth it, and it does get easier. Good work!

[Proverbs31:28]

Oh, hon, I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I get the same way when my depression is bad or my anxiety is out of control. I totally understand about the double edged sword of wanting to stay home but not be alone!

Panic attacks can definitely lead to the type of avoidance you describe. I wonder if there is ANY place you feel safe outside the home? A park, library, church group? If so, I would encourage you to try to spend a little time there. I know- easier said than done, right? But, it sounds like you want to fight your way out and I think it is easier to get out in a safe environment than to push yourself into an uncomfortable one.

I had a therapist tell me once that, to beat the agoraphobia I was dealing with at the time, I needed to go to the mall on a Saturday and hold conversations with anyone who wanted to talk to me! Thankfully, my pdoc said this was akin to throwing someone who can't swim into the deep end of the pool!

I definitely thinking easing your way back into society is best. In the meantime, you know we are here to listen and support you in whatever way you need. HUGS

[mscat]

Good Lord ! GO to the mall and talk to people? No F***** Way! If my therapist told me to do that I'd be pissed.

The thing is I do feel forced to have to go out and have to see others:( I am getting more and more hateful towards going out.. Having a son, I have to go out and so I have to take him once a week to get movies and Burger King. Well today he did want to go to the damn mall. It was for him, I hated it, but did because it was a motherly thing to do.

i also had to see the therapise on Thur. becasue he had called me in after three weeks of not talking to him. That sucked ass, just going down the st. ANd not been outdoors for a week. THAT was extremely bad for my anxiey. He knew it, and I hated that he new it too .

That is the thing, I do not like people looking at me, staring at me, and watching, even se them laughing in my head all the time... not that they may be saying stuff about me, just looking and staring, and why i see the laughing? No idea? Also , when talkin gto Steve the Counselor after a few yrs. i STILL can't look at him. i just can't.

This is why I like computors. No one knows you really, and it is safe .ALso since I have severe burns from Self injury that are seen even though I wear a sweatshirt, my right hand fingers and wrist and fried... Also I have several tattoos and a eyebrow piercing... Seriously, I do . LOL .The tats were orginally for people not to stare at the burns all the time .Anyhow, i do not like going out AT ALL and now much into talking to others .But today, was the most talking I done in ages.... It is that all or nothing thing again.