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Porn,Alcoholism,Pedophilia


Bewildered
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First, please accept my apology if this is inappropriately located.I am new to this community, but scared and desperate.

I'm about 45, and have been masturbating since 13. I have had 4 significant relationships, including a marriage of 15 years, and a live-in of about 2.

I've had an increasing interest in porn for the last 5 or 6 years, and have more recently developed a fetish for panties (generally stolen from laundry rooms). I've found that i need porn and the tactile, visual stimulus of lingerie to get off.

I find that unnatural and shameful.

In each new relationship (exceept the first, when i lost my virginity) I've initially had a problem getting erections. This eventually passed, despite the fact that i was drinking or smoking plenty of pot.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, with 11 months sobriety. In my most recent (2-month) relationship, just ended, I was never able to have intercourse. She understood masturbation entirely, having made good use of it herself. She was sympathetic and encouraging about the ED or performance anxiety, or whatever. But it was my embarrassment that caused me to withdraw emotionally, til she ended it.

Another, very disturbing development, is that I've begun to develop an attraction for a 13-year-old girl. I've stolen her panties, photoshopped her face onto porn, and written long fantasy prose about sexual encounters with her.

I don''t know if I should try complete abstinence. Don't know if I can, and am afraid things will escalate. I haven't seriously thought of acting on the pedophilic impulse, because i don't want to damage her, or-of course- suffer legal consequences!

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Another, very disturbing development, is that I've begun to develop an attraction for a 13-year-old girl. I've stolen her panties, photoshopped her face onto porn, and written long fantasy prose about sexual encounters with her.

I don''t know if I should try complete abstinence. Don't know if I can, and am afraid things will escalate. I haven't seriously thought of acting on the pedophilic impulse, because i don't want to damage her, or-of course- suffer legal consequences!

I would strongly suggest that you deal with these issues! Why steal her panties? Where's that going to get you? Not inside them I hope!

Sorry, but I cannot fully answer this post!

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This site is my first attempt at dealing with this F-ed up behavior/impulse. I'm unemployed without insurance, but have spent the day looking for free or sliding scale help, both on-line and IRL. Honestly, i stole them from dirty laundry to sniff while I jack off. I think about having sex with her (intercourse or other). After I come, I feel disgusted, etc. She's a sweet kid (precocious and very sexy, considering her age.) I recognize that as a potential rationalization to do something unforgiveable though. I seriously doubt I'd ever do such a thing, but the point I'm trying to make is that my sexual behavior has gone so out-of-bounds that I'm physically unable to have a normal sexual response.

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I AM trying to deal with this. I'm honestly just grateful to have someone with good intentions respond. Thanks again. I'm really sick of porn, and am pretty concerned that years of moderate alcoholism have left me broken. I just want a normal relationship with a real woman. I guess I'll start by getting rid of all the props I've been using to get off sexually.

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I AM trying to deal with this. I'm honestly just grateful to have someone with good intentions respond. Thanks again. I'm really sick of porn, and am pretty concerned that years of moderate alcoholism have left me broken. I just want a normal relationship with a real woman. I guess I'll start by getting rid of all the props I've been using to get off sexually.

Why are you fantasizing about children, because legally, you will never have them? What is it? The fact that you cannot have intercourse with them, that turns you on!

I understand that you are only sharing your experiences with us, but com-on, you know this is wrong, so why go ahead and do it?

Do you know, I am dead against Pedophilia & if you have read through the forums, you will see my views on this, but I realise now that all you are doing is asking why you feel the way you do & I'm sorry but, we are not qualified doctors/Psychiatrist/Psychologist/Therapist...

Have you looked at previous post on Pedophilia, on this site. You may be able to get some help through reading of past experiences, that members on this site have had!

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Actually made an appointment for Monday with a sliding-scale counseling service.

Between the porn and the pedo-fantasies, I recognize the unobtainable nature of what seems to turn me on. For crying out loud, throw in the fact that I seem to be more excited by panties than what's in them, and it's pretty clear that there's something very wrong here.

I'm pretty dismayed that It's come to this at this point in my life. I've heard about guys who substitute this sort of thing for real relationships when their alcoholism has left them unable or unprepared to deal with the give and take involved.

Miraculously, I recently was in a relationship with a woman who was sympathetic to the porn thing, and i even admitted to the panty fetish, which she understood. She accepted my inability to have intercourse, but we still had a decent sex life, since I was willing (and quite happy) to satisfy her in other ways. Not wanting to totally drive her away, I never opened the topic of pedophilia with her. After a month of wonderful getting-to-know-you phase, it took about 4 weeks of my unwillingness to commit more time to her before she ended it.

It's this relationship and the break-up, especially in light of the tolerance and accceptance she showed in helping me overcome embarrassment in looking at these issues that has gotten me over a threshold of admitting that I need help.

I don't want to be some sad, creepy old guy living a sick existence (and committing unforgiveable damage to another), and I'm grateful for the willingness to take steps toward changing. This forum is my first stop, and I am SO GRATEFUL to have someone listen and respond to my venting!

Thank you!

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I'm pretty pissed off that I've just typed a long reply to this post & lost it! Bugger it! Shit happens!

Actually made an appointment for Monday with a sliding-scale counseling service.

Between the porn and the pedo-fantasies, I recognize the unobtainable nature of what seems to turn me on. For crying out loud, throw in the fact that I seem to be more excited by panties than what's in them, and it's pretty clear that there's something very wrong here.

You have probably done Two of the hardest things, that a man in your position, could possibly do!

1 - You've had the guts to admit your fetishes & perverted ways &

2 - You've done something about this and se-eked help, by way of getting help and booking yourself an appointment with the Counseling Service. "Well Done!"

I admire you for doing that! Now, all it needs is for you to get out of these nasty ways of thinking that a child can turn you on!

If you don't mind me asking, "How old are you?"

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I'm 46.

Again, I can't thank you both enough for your replies. It's given me hope, and courage to go ahead and attend to this sick thinking, which is holding me back in my quest for a normal life (whatever that means!).

Understand, I don't look at this girl and think 'I want to F--- you'. The impulses are more along the lines of wanting sexual contact- the sort of holding, kissing and caressing that are only appropriate between (consenting) adults. She's a beautiful, girl, from a culture where girls her age seem to begin exhibiting sexiness-sexual awareness at a young age.

The fantasies about intercourse, and serious sexual activity have developed since I began writing these notes to myself in which I seem to get off by crossing lines. Just because I'm crossing lines, you know. The disturbing thing about crossing lines is that they become easier to cross again.

I haven't made any advances toward this girl, and with the help of a counselor, you people, and a power deeper and greater than myself, I hope never to do so. She's a sweetheart, and deserves to develop normally into adultthood.

Having just come out of a relationship with a wonderful adult woman who (as I said) was very understanding of the masturbation, porn interest and panty fetish, I'm realizing that I'm not a COMPLETE monster, and those things are not entirely abnormal. She helped me at least get honest with myself.

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As im reading your posts Bewilder several questions come to mind.

1. As for the ED do you think you are so fixated on the porn and the fetishes sexual intercourse is no longer interest to you?

2. Do you proclaim to be a selfish person? As in not wanting to share(what I mean by that is go out and buy her undergarments that you both like etc... )your fetishes with your relationships?

3. Why not have them share your fetish with you? Or would you not like it because it's not a stranger's undergarment?

I think you are really tough on yourself with these conflicting issues. I feel if people use their fetishes in a responsible way they would be very happy and have great marriages/relationships. I feel there is nothing wrong with fetishes unless you lie or hide it from your love one. I have come to find out first hand being emotionally withdrawn do not make relationships better. You will need to search deep inside you and find out why you're that way. As I have done with my husband. We have been thru alot together these past years. Good luck in what you do. Just make yourself a very good support system.

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I'm 46.

Again, I can't thank you both enough for your replies. It's given me hope, and courage to go ahead and attend to this sick thinking, which is holding me back in my quest for a normal life (whatever that means!).

Well to capture the meaning of life in one sentence I’d rephrase Abraham Heschel’s words. Life without wonder has no meaning, so the meaning of life must be wonder itself.

Next time you see a rainbow, stop what you are doing and just sit and watch it... It's true colors come to life... You will never see colors as beautiful. That is what life is all about. Being beautiful and of being alive as well.

The fantasies about intercourse, and serious sexual activity have developed since I began writing these notes to myself in which I seem to get off by crossing lines. Just because I'm crossing lines, you know. The disturbing thing about crossing lines is that they become easier to cross again.

They will be a lot easier when you are working with your Counselor trust me. You will be able to face your dilemma, head on!

I haven't made any advances toward this girl, and with the help of a counselor, you people, and a power deeper and greater than myself, I hope never to do so. She's a sweetheart, and deserves to develop normally into adultthood.

I am so glad that you see it this way

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It's not quite as simple as having a willing partner re: the lingerie. It seems I've become more interested in the panties than what's in them. I think it's a combination of the taboo of being stolen, and the sensation of having layers sliding between my hand and um...... my bidness.

There's a definite lack of physical sensation (hence, the term 'desensitized', I suppose), which, in addition to serious guilt and shame, since I've come to associate masturbating with nasty things. Pedophilia, various forms of voyeurism, "cheating on" my partner with porn- not to mention stealing other people's stuff,etc. -this all starts running through my mind before and during foreplay.

Particularly duirng this last, recently ended relationship- nada, (and I certainly saw her as a sexy woman). I actually prayed that I be able to perform, for her benefit, leaving aside my desires. Ironically, she assured me she understood, didnt mind, and (I believe her when she told me) was quite satisfied in with other techniques. So,my prayer WAS answered.

She assured me that the shame and guilt was unwarranted, or certainly not unforgiveable. (I doubt she would have felt the same way about the pedophilia, had I told her.) Unfortunately, I took that as license to keep whacking off using stolen women's panties. That didn't help things.

Grateful to have a place to talk about this, and your comments.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Is it the things running through your head during foreplay causing ED?

you said its gone away previousley, this makes me think its anxietey killing your libido, which is causing the fetish for pantys cause you still want sexual pleasure but cant vent it with a normal fantasy.

If thats the cause then theres LOADS of ways to prevent this happening, for one, try just not becoming aroused atall, think about something else other than sex, that could give you the drive to get off on normall stuff again.

Understand that guys need sex, its like a valve thats constantly building pressure, and if you shut it off then its going to get stronger, maybe strong enough for you to get off on something acceptable.

Theres anti anxietey meds which could make you able to have normal sex again, theres relaxation techniques that can make you feel comfortable with thinking that stuff during foreplay so you can get it up, a quallified sexual therapist is best.

Some things you say make me laugh :)

good luck!

Edited by scared
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Bewildered,

It is unfortunate that your recent relationship ended without you entering into psychotherapy to help you deal with your intercouse problems. The way I see it you are definitely NOT a pedophile and you are NOT a fetishist. Instead, you are a very sexually frustrated 45 year old man who is not dealing with adult relationships very well at all and, so, you are spinning in every direction possible in order to find some sexual stimulation. Instead, what you need is an: Adult Sexual Relationship with a Woman with whom you can have a full and satisfying Relationship.

I want to urge you to refer yourself to a good clinical psychologist or experienced licensed clinical social worker and start getting the help you need.

What do you think?

Allan

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