desperately seeking.....

[karig]

...a way out of the dark. My grief is taking over. My world has been shattered. My husband was my world. He was the only person that loved me entirely and made me feel valued. The whole thing is so hard because his mind is going,going,gone. I haven't seen him for weeks because he's so volatile and every time he sees someone from the outside world he automatically wants to come home. He doesn't even realize he has cancer. I know I don't want to see him like this because he's losing weight and I know he'll look even worse than the last time I saw him. And his doctor says he probably wouldn't recognize me anyway. But I miss him so much!

To add the the pot, the only support I have is my mother that calls every night. I have three grown children, one lives within walking distance. I wonder how long it would take for them to realize it if I dropped off the face of the earth. I'm hurt because I've always been there for them. My husband isn't their father but don't they care how I feel? I realize they have their own lives but how long does it take to pick up a phone?

Then there's my sister. The sister I've been through thick and thin with. The sister I haven't heard from in weeks now and the last time I saw her she asked to borrow fifty dollars and has apparently ripped me off for.

I don't know how to cope with all this. I'm trying to take care of myself but not doing a very good job.

I want to say a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to Paula, who sent me a lifeline last night!!

[paula]

Listen Kari, I'm always here if you need a shoulder to cry on? We all are!

It must be so hard for you at the moment!

I understand where your coming from with regards to your family! My family are exactly the same, honestly!

My son lives with me who's 21yrs old called Brad. He goes to College through the day. He's not bad, but he has his off day's as well! He puts up with a lot from me, but likewise! But at the end of the day, he's there if you know what I mean? And just there!

Then I have my other son who's 27yrs old called Lea. He works with PC's and I never see him from one month to the next! Only when he wants something?

Then there's my family: Mum, 2x brother's & 2x sister's. I am the middle sibling. 2x older brothers & 2x younger sisters. Again, I never see them, not as if I want too anyway!

I understand how your feeling, all alone! That's exactly how I started with my Depression. With feeling lonely all the time! I got so depressed that I tried to take my own life 2x times, thinking that no one will even notice whether I'm here or not?

One thing to remember...

Life doesn't hurt until you think about... How much things have changed, who you've lost along the way and how much of it was your fault...

It's the things that you don't see coming that hit you the hardest... & keep you down the longest...

[karig]

thank you once again! So good to know other people have brats too! I know about the depression circle. Started when I was ten. I made a half-hearted attempt when I was about 14. Had multiple meltdowns, or emotional breakdowns as one doctor called it. honestly, the kids are the only reason I'm alive. I was a single parent and even tho I really wanted to jump off a bridge I wouldn't do that to my kids.

I do know about the just there part. Someone sitting on your couch watching tv and picking his nose is better that an empty couch!!

But I guess I'm a survivor because I always know when to get help. I will be getting into a depression group,which helps every time(been there 3 times already). Just hope they don't decide to lock me up this time!!haha!

Can't tell you how much you've helped already. Guess it's good to know someone understands and cares.

[paula]

Hi Kari

Ohhh! I understand alright! I suppose I get help, if you can call it that! I see a shrink on regular occasion's & I've just started to see a Therapist. Don't know why though, because I tell them nothing?

My bigest issues are TRUST Because I don't trust anyone, I won't talk to anyone, if you get my drift! I have got a lot of issues, & I mean ISSUES, locked up in my brain & I won't tell anyone about them. I keep thinking that there my problems & I'll sort them! The truth is, they might be my problems, but I didn't cause them to be a problem in the first place, but yet they've ended up being my problems. The end product! Am I making sense?

[mscat]

Hi you guys,

I am a single parent, and although my son is not grown yet I can relate to wht the both of you have written. Matt has High Functioning Autism and is also developmentally delayed. He catches a bus at 6:30am and does not come home until 5:00 pm.

I'm on full disability and do not like leaving the house much. I have a little Yorkie who is here with me, and the computor. I am not much for talking to others either and people have described me as a hermit, or even A loner, which I dispise.

I do not like being alone though , so theres the problem. feelings of abandoment hit hard, and fear that something freadful is going to happen to my boy. He is 15 by the way and goes to a special class out of town . During the weekend i love him dearly, all he does is repeat everything he says, and loves dates of movie actors , dates of deaths and births, and when such and such movie came out. then compares those dates to when I was born, and then says, I wish I was born in 1992... He never is quiet and does not know how to modulate his voice:eek:

So when he is home can be draining . Not his fault one bit though, it is just so difficult not to be able to carry on normal everyday conversations with him becasue they are often all one sided.

It takes me a hard time just to do everyday tasks, even taking a shower cleaning myself up, and jsut a fight to feel a "little bit" good . SOmetimes i jsut can't stand anything at all, and wonder why I should be alive ? For my son who is always chalenging, and obnoxious? I love him with all my heart, it is just so hard to be happy and content. I do not feel lonely becasue I really do not like people much, maybe it is trust issues, but a lot of it is becasue sooner or later I get screwed by them. I am very leary of others, becasue I've been "hurt" way too much and sometimes even feel like I could blow all their brains up, but never know I will, and therefore the self injury takes place. Self injury is to not due anything to others, but tun it all against myself to avoid hurting people, often times there is nothing to feel anyway, so self injury is do able in my case.

Sorry for the rambeling:eek:

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Mscat,

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you on this. I have to let you know that you DO NOT RAMBLE. You write really well and express things clearly. Sorry, but I have to deliver the news to you: You are terrific.

You know, that little Yorkie is someone you should take with you everywhere you go. In fact, the doggie can help you get out of the house and feel more comfortable with people. You do not like being alone because you are a people person. You are struggling with huge social anxiety and self doubt. Your doggie can help you with these.

Allan